"Too fat," they said, now she's gonna wind up dead.
She used to like candy but now she loves cotton.
"Get over it they said," it's all in your head.
So why were they surprised when they found her lying there, dead?
Silly girl, thought she could make her own choices,
little does she know that if you want to fit in,
you have to follow their voices.
Places, places, it's a constant curtain call.
Can't be yourself at all.
Society damns us all.
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140,438 Literary Works • 673,188 Reviews
Hey, Writer (nice profile pic). Gladdy here for a review!
If you're going to use a reference to something someone else said, put it in quotations. Such as this: "Too fat," they said. Same with this line:
"Get over it," they said.
You need a comma between "there" and "dead" to properly separate them. "Lying there, dead?" As well as a comma here:
Silly girl, thought she could make her own choices.
And another thing, separate this into stanzas and place it too the left, it's too long to be centered. To see a poem that should be centered (because it's so short), use my poem "Ignored" as a reference. But please, place this to the left,.
On another note, there are some really long lines and some shorter lines, try to shape them to make them the same size. It's not required, but it looks a lot better.
I like the poem! It's extremely relatable.
~Gladdy
Thank you for your review! I am kinda new to writing poetry so I am not that great at it yet so I don't know a lot of the formatting so this was really helpful! Thanks!
No problem! And thanks for the follow <3
You're welcome
This poem is amazing, I really love the message behind it. What you wrote is entirely true, and I really enjoyed reading it. Although I don't completely understand your second line. What did you mean by, "She used to like candy but now she likes cotton."? I gather that she doesn't really like things that will make her 'fat', but I don't get the second half. Loved your poem though.
It is a dangerous way to feel full but stay skinny. You loose weight because you're not actually eating something nourishing but you feel fuller.
Ohhhhhhhh okay.
Hey there, gonna leave you with a brief review!
So, overall, your poem has a great message. It's true, societal expectations are very unrealistic, and practically destroy people's self-esteems. Bullying and peer pressure can have a major effect on people, and your poem expresses this.
My only suggestions are as follows...
The first part of the poem refers to a girl, who winds up dead because of bullying. I think that a bit more emotion with this part would make the poem have a stronger impact. Then the last three or so lines just state how society basically ruins us. I think the poem would have been better, had it remained specifically about the un-named girl, as it was almost a universal symbol for what happens when someone is bullied.
Also, "Society damms us all."-- This should be "Damns", as far as I am aware. Correct me if I'm wrong >~>
My last issue, was the rhyme scheme. It was inconsistant, and normally that wouldn't bother me, but it just messed with the flow of this poem, in my opinion.
So, other than my minor suggestions, I really enjoyed this poem. It has a serious message behind it. Good job, and I hope to read more of your work soon!
Thanks for your review!