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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi Horus!
This was interesting, but I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. Who or what is the Turtle? What's so special about a hug?
Introducing a romance as a subject and from then on talking about "it" made me think that the "it" was the romance, but the last lines seem to say that the "it" is the mysterious Turtle. Unless the Turtle and the romance are the same thing? So who is the "she" referred to here?
The rhyme scheme is very good, and when I read it out loud it all seemed to run smooth, and it sounded pleasant. I didn't like the repetition of "it"; it got rather repetitive, and because "it" sounds so impersonal, it didn't engage me or let me connect to any kind of character. It gives the whole poem a very cold and detached tone, which makes it difficult to find any emotion in the language.
I guess overall, add in greater variety in the language so it's more emotive and engaging and creates a better picture of what you're saying, because at present it's a little empty. Also expand more on the mysterious Turtle because I'd like to see more of it, or at least understand it better.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
"The Turtle shies from acts of love
displayed by means of touch.
Then cries at night, its mind in flight,
for even just a hug."
Really. It's brilliant, beautiful, well-written. I'd easily quote that last line, just to do. Very very very good. I'm sorry I'd have to read it over and over again to find something I don't like, I like it too much. Very good job.
Ah, I dislike the title though. That, I would change.
That was beautiful. Really, I found it well written, and the rhythm was consistant throughout the piece. I think there are lots of people who can relate to this, be the person in this poem. On so many levels this piece could speak to you, and I loved it!
Yours psychotically,
- thelocalmaniac