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139,693 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
Hi there
It was so cute, and left me with a big smile on my face 
Just keep writing 
This is the sweetest thing I have read
I think your rhyming was good, not perfect, sometimes it seemed a bit forced. I don't usually think you should force the lines to rhyme, but in this piece a lot of the charm comes from the rhyming, and I dont think you should change anything
It's not a really powerful poem, filled with a lot of imagery, but the poem was pefect for what is was intended at: Asking someone out on a date. So I really think it was a fantastic poem, my favorite stanza is the last one. So sweeeet!
Amazing job, I look forward to reading more from you
Hey, Host-of-Horus! I'm back here for your second review. Hope I can be helpful once more~
So, let's see...
What you did right with rhyme in the other poem, you kind of faltered with here. It's especially obvious to me in these lines:
When you have to insert meaningless and unnecessary words like an auxiliary "does", you know you've maybe chosen the wrong words for the rhythm. And it doesn't seem to get much better. At one point, you contract and, but you can't really contract and because it's a single syllable word! That, too, is a red flag that says you have to consider another way to get to your goal.
Maybe try approaching the request from the different way. You could describe a scene of her accepting your date proposal, or a scene from the date itself, and ask her at the end if she'd like to fulfill the poem. You could describe a moment you've shared with her before and the reasons why this makes you want to ask her out (because it's easy to just describe what she looks like...). Either way might give you a chance for a complete rewrite. Beware of your rhythm! Don't force your words for rhyme! If you do, she'll know and the poem will come off a little silly. If you don't, it will all fit together just right and hopefully be impressive enough to land you that date.
I know this poem's a little bit old, so maybe you've already seen the results or non results of this experiment, but hopefully my review can be helpful to you in the future anyway!
Good luck and always keep writing!
Hey Host! You totally have a shot with this gal. Last I checked, chicks dig poetry. Now, to the actual review. I'm going to do a stanza by stanza review and follow up with my overall thoughts. I hope it helps!
Stanza One
Here are the weaknesses I see in this stanza.
I am no good at words to speak
This line was sort of a poetic sounding way to say you are shy. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, other than the wording is awkward. You should rephrase it, maybe say something like, 'Sometimes it's hard for me to speak', and get the same message across.
Other than that, this stanza is pretty good.
Stanza Two
While commenting on someone's beauty is nice, it can also come across as shallow. Some of your descriptions are a little overused. Try to find a new and unique way to express her beauty, and it will come across better. Use your creativity!
Stanza Three
There's only one problem I see with this stanza.
‘nd we’d closed the door.
Why didn't you just say 'and' here? Unless this serves some purpose I don't see, you can just straight up say 'and'.
Stanza Four
This stanza was the best in the poem. There's not much I would go about changing in it. Nice!
Well, keep up the good work, and good luck Host! Overall your poem is great, just try to make it more your own. Use some unique descriptions, and watch out for the poet speak. Good luck, and keep writing!
I suppose it would be best to take it stanza by stanza, little pieces are easier to chew or something....
I am no good at words to speak
and so I sit and write, you see?
To tell you I’m in ecstasy,
whenever it is you I see.
I often find that the best parts of my poetry, come at the start. There aren't any rules at that point, so you kinda just let go and hope whatever comes out has some sort of recognizable structure that you can work with for the rest. I think this first stanza is excellent because of the clever little rhyme with "ecstasy" and "you see." Very original. Very pleasant. Oh, and I can definitely relate to not having words to speak. Writing is significantly easier when it comes to communicating with loved ones. One minor quibble is that you're rhyming scheme gets thrown off by "you see." but I think that's okay since it adds a bit of cute voice to the experience that makes the poem more personable.
Your radiant face to me does beam,
your glistening locks do curl and gleam.
Your short and matchless form I deem,
the girl for me, the one of dreams.
The last two lines of this stanza felt a little bit unnatural. I see what you're going for, but I feel like you didn't quite make it there. Since "dreams" has an s at the end, it makes for a bit of a conflict with "deem." A difficult problem to fix, and perhaps acceptable if no alternative can be found. I just felt that it was a little out of place here, though not an egregious error at all. As for those first two lines, I like them a good deal. Especially the word "radiant." Quite a good one.
I wanted you to know before
the year was done, ‘nd we’d closed the door.
For sometime now and then still more,
it’s you my heart’s been longing for.
The first line of this stanza feels like it got cut short too early. Like what you would say if you were trying to break the ice on an awkward date. So you sort of stammer out that you wanted to know her before know, halt, next line, carry on.... There aren't a whole ton of alternatives, and you could definitely say I'm nitpicking at this point just to say something that somewhat, however remotely, resembles criticism. You wouldn't be entirely wrong, but anyways, that's how I feel about that line. The last line of this stanza is excellent. Rhyme flows well with the line before it, culminating in that exact feeling of longing that she would get if you were to actually give her this.
I wish for us to have a chance,
a romantic track in life’s short dance.
So I’m writing now a wishful chant,
and asking for a date… per-chance?
Maybe you could say something like
"I wish for us to have a chance,
beneath the stars, to slowly dance,
I'm writing now this wishful thing,
My heart has gone and made you king."
Overall I enjoyed the carefree style, and the casual voice that this poem had to offer. Several others seemed to think that the deliverance of this note would lead to the requested date becoming a reality. However, I am skeptical of that viewpoint. Since you're unlikely to deliver it, and also because I know both subjects of this poem personally. At any rate. You've done a bang up job here, carry on Horus!
You always seem so confident in my chances with her
Sorry, heh. I say go for it, nothing to lose really. Thing is you'll be shedding tears over it if you get rejected, or when you leave. Perhaps that's cynical, but I would wait until you hit college to go for a relationship.
i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.
Hey, I'm Willow. Here to spread Joy and wonder. Plus saddness because this is a reveiw.
Okay first, the 1st stanza is a little sappy. It's a poem, have a little fun with it. If this were really a note saying you like someone, what would you say. Honestly I don't think you'd be so sappy. Well I would, but I'm a little sappy on a general basis.
Second stanza, the Vocab and rhyming were great. Though the rhythm seems a little Shakespeare. I do like the imagry though.
Third Stanza, I love the thought and the story. But again it feels a little Shakespeare.
Fourth Stanza, love it. I love the feeling and the story, but I think it could feel a little more like you're a person who actually feels like this about her. It sort of feels like you're just writing words. Try to show your voice, less rhyming more personality.
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem. I definitely felt strong emotion in each stanza. I visually see the rhyme scheme, but when I read the poem, I tend to stop my lines at the commas, but this does not detract from the poem itself.
I really liked the organized stanzas, and the story reads quite clearly. This is obviously by choice, but what was your motive for the abbreviated and in the line:
"the year was done, ‘nd we’d closed the door"?
Feel free to PM me or reply with any questions or comments.
Keep writing, I enjoy your style.
Thanks! I shortened that so that the the rhythm would work a little better. I felt like with the abbreviated "and" it would help push readers into the next word a little faster when they spoke it rather than speak slowly on the and. It may have been unnecessary, I'm not entirely sure :S
Aww, why is this poem so sweet?! I would ask you out just for this one poem of yours! The rhyme scheme is perfect. The way you talk about the woman you love is so beautifully divine. I trust you are a very genuine speaker. It clearly shows here.
Your poem has some originality which I am not a huge fan of, but I don't have a problem with it. Some stanzas can be worded differently to make the poem stand out more. That's just a sudggestion from me.
Awwwww! Why can't anyone be this sweet to me?
This was so lovely! I got all mushy inside! The last stanza for me was the best. It was just so perfectly pieced together.
"I wish for us to have a chance,
a romantic track in life’s short dance."
AHHH! So cute! I love it!
Extremely great! The words rhyme and you have a great vocabulary! I enjoy your poetry.
First things first. I don't usually review poetry, but give me some slack if I do a really horrible job. You, however, did your part and wrote a marvelous and original poem centered around the idea of being too shy to ask a significant other out on a date.
This title grabbed my attention while browsing through all the works posted by other members and fellow comrades. "A Note For a Date" follows all of the grammatical rules for titles, the first and last words are capitalized, as well as important words in the middle. When the title is posted using proper English, it helps me feel more at ease knowing that the writer most likely uses our language properly.
“I am no good at words to speak
and so I sit and write, you see?”
Bringing the main idea of the poem in right away is always a good clear way to begin. Twisting this phrase into a sentence is a masterful way to engage the audience and help them understand the feeling of anxiousness in this poem.
“To tell you I’m in ecstasy,
whenever it is you I see.”
The use of vivid words like ecstasy brings metal images to readers’ minds. There is one minor grammatical error; the comma should have no space after the last word on the first line.
“and so I sit and write, you see?
To tell you I’m in ecstasy,
whenever it is you I see.”
You begin to see the well-planned rhyming scheme laid thoughtfully throughout this poem. I like the creative way you continued the sentence even after the question mark. This gives a unique and creative look on the rest of this work.
“Your radiant face to me does beam,
your glistening locks do curl and gleam.
Your short and matchless form I deem,
the girl for me, the one of dreams.”
On the very first line of this stanza, I believe you could word the phrase better. And again, there should be no space between the last word and the comma. Try re-wording the stanza like this.
?Your radiant face to me does begins to beam,
your glistening locks do curl and gleam.
Your short and matchless form I deem,
the girl for me, the one of dreams.”
The third stanza could also be worded just a bit differently to make the poem even better.
“I wanted you to know before
the year was done; ‘nd we’d closed the door.
For sometime now and then still more,
it’s you my heart’s been longing for.”
Again, the third stanza has a few minor injuries, but they can be fixed easily, and without the aid of a doctor.
“I wish for us to have a chance,
a romantic track in life’s short dance.
So now I’m writing now a wishful chants,
and asking for a date…per-chance?”
Over-all, I genuinely loved this poem. I have the same issue, as I’m sure every teen or young adult has or will have. You portrayed the unique idea of writing this poem to your crush and if some guy had written this poem for me, I would have fallen head over heels for him. Keep up the good work, HostofHorus, and good luck.
Happy Review Day,
yubbies21
Hey little author here!
This was a really sweet poem :3. I do agree with paula about giving this to a the girl you like, if this for a special person. This poem just shows how much you love and care for her so if she really doesn't like you back, win her over with this beautiful poem. I mean if any guy would give me a poem as perfect as this, I would defiantly go out with him. This was super cute and could tell that you put a bunch of time into making this perfect just for this special person.
Keep writing
Well, this is great. I don't know whether it is true or not about being shy to ask the girl but well, if it is I recommend to give her this poem. It is very romantic and sweet and I am sure you'll get the girl after she reads this. I love the sincerity that you began the poem and ended it with. This shows how truthful you are. The rest of the poem seems to me like it's a romantic way how to confess the passion you have for the girl.
It is a really great poem so keep it up!!!