This is my first poem really to speak of. I wrote it in like 2 minutes, because I wanted to make a point on something I really feel strongly about. I usually use my stories to do this, but I didn't feel like writing a whole story to express this. I hope you like it! Let me know!
Dying Heart
Gone are the days when the heart would not stop,
Gone are the times the heart pushed on,
All that remains is a black hole,
Taking over every soul.
Gone are the days when the winner won,
Gone are the times one can't move on,
All that remains is the dying heart,
Taking the remains of the now lost art.
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I know, I don't quite like the black hole line either.... I'm trying to think of a way to change it. The message I'm trying to convey, relates mostly to sports for me anyway. It can mean a lot of different things however. What I think of with it, is how people don't play for the love of the game any more, how people don't give it their all anymore. How nowadays, people just don't try like they used to. Hence the line "Gone are the days when the winner won," There are few who survive that go out there to win, and give it all they have anymore, and many of those people don't get the win anymore because of the people around them who don't give it their all. Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
-J.R.S.
Hello, hello. I'm Knightly. Nice to meet ya.
Let's see. I love your concept. At least the way I understand this is that it's about a loss of feeling for anything. Apathy, in short. Apathy for everything. The art and the beauty of feeling is then taken away. The loss of feelings is like the loss of a person's humanity, the loss of life, the loss of his heart. Very strong concept.
Now, the first two lines of your poem hold strength. The next two lines that follow aren't so stellar. First because they throw off the rhythm, second, the idea of a dying heart as a 'black hole' is overdone. I suppose that if you really want it that way continue to use black hole but you have to make the rhythm work at least. Add a few more syllables. The reader stumbles at this part of your poem because the rhyme is off. I would suggest you read it aloud to yoursself and hear that it flows cleanly without you forcing it to.
"Gone are the days when the winner won" ~hmm... rather weak line, I must say. Although it might also be because I don't quite grasp your meaning by this. haha. Forgive my dullness, dear.XD
The second stanza was not as good as the first. The last line though, about the 'lost art' is great.
Good luck.
--Knightly
OK so this is an awesome poem, but don't forget one little thing:
PUNCTUATION!!
Adding punctuation makes sure your reader has a chance to breathe in between lines, as a line does not count as a pause. To check if it flows well, and allows your reader to breathe, try reading it out loud before you post/print.
Apart from that though, a really awesome poem.
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x