Be Careful Who You Trust Chapter 9.2

Yeah my favorite vampire is back!!!!!! I love zander what left is there to say.
Please, Zander. Leave her alone.” I pleaded. Something in his eyes told me that that was the last thing on his mind. I am confused who is the other he. “His features seemed normal but his fangs extended in the blink of an eye and were dug deeply into my Mom’s neck. I screamed, my heart lurching forward as Mom gasped and began to choke on her own blood. I tried to move to get him off of her but some invisible force held me tightly in place. I was stuck there, unable to help her as blood trickled out of her mouth and down her neck. “ WHATT no zander bad zander you did not just kill her mother!! ““Katie! Wake up! Katie, don’t you leave me. Please Katie, come on.” PHEW thank god thank god thank god, it was just a dream guys. I really couldn’t have loved zander if he really killed her mother! Good jon honora my blood pressure was elevated my heart was thundering and I was terrified. Thank god! “Being the chicken I am, I waited until his lips left my own before pretending to wake up gradually. Wow…it was so like in every Disney movie out there. You know, the girl’s “true love” kisses her and then she wakes up. How cliché.” God damn honora who am i supposed to love to trust, nathan or zander nathan or zander. Is this your biobloical writer plan, you have every single anwser. “he helped ma lay back down.” Me not ma I assume. "Where's James?" I asked” no this totally ruins the moment katie. KISSSSSSSS HIMMMM KISSSSSS HIMMMM KISSS HIMMMMM!!!!! “He kissed you? Zander asked in an angry disbelief.” hold the phone we have a jelly vampire. AHahahaha. Zander went after Mom. HONORA HONORA! I I nooooooo he can’t go after her mom!

Okay this is more of a rant then review I am sorry I loved this.

Hey Honora!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get right into it, now, shall we?

Alright, so... Heck, Zander what the hell is wrong with your freaking life? You're messed up! One second, your threatening Katie, the next second you're pleading for forgiveness. WHAT. THE. HECK. Like... Oh my gosh.

Lol, that kiss. XD I find that funny, for some reason.

To be honest, I have a feeling Zander might like Katie, ya know? He saved her, he's in her mind, he checked her out in that weird place Katie went in when she fainted or something. Maybe. I'm not sure. I still hate him, though. And you can't change that.

I exhaled deeply and let him support me as he helped ma lay back down.

Wesh! professor Jade here to review this. I'm so sorry i haven't gotten to this sooner but I hope I'm not too late?? Anyways, you know my style.... Line by line. Let's just go.

2 QUICK NOTES: This is going to be long, this took me an hour to write. I'm so sorry, please read it all! You might want to grab some popcorn before we begin. And, you're really good at getting your readers to react. Zander is literally killing me!

Previously: Katie is at the Bordens' while her Mom is on the mend in the hospital. An awkward morning with James making her breakfast and teasing her about her past with Nathan ends with her almost passing out and waking up in a strange land. But where is she?

I think I might have said this before, but previously is unneeded. If people like our story they'll remember. if they want to read it they'll go back and re-read to remember. That's just my personal style, though, and don't feel pressured to not do that.


My knees buckled from underneath me and I collapsed on the dying grass beneath me. It felt rough against my skin and I could smell the stench of rotting flesh. I gagged; my stomach threating to spill its contents. The feeling of bile rising in my throat made me gag again but this time, I didn’t quite manage to keep it down. My head spun as I vomited and every muscle in my body strained with effort.

OK, in the same sentence you say underneath and beneath. It disrupts the flow and feels choppy. Also, you don't need to say "from beneath me" I would say, for example:

My knees buckled and I collapsed on the dying grass beneath me.


You spelled threatening wrong! I'm sorry for pointing out tiny mistakes and I know how easy it is to look over the littlest things. I liked the first paragraph though, an instant hook!

I collapsed again to the side of what had filled my stomach and gasped loudly for air. The air around me seemed to lack a healthy amount of oxygen and every breath I took became harder than the last. My lungs ached and my body heaved in an attempt to replenish my oxygen supply.


TIME FOR AN EXAMPLE, PUPILS!

You reuse the same words. Here are a few synonyms for the words you use too much as a sort of guide.(this might come in handy!)

AIR: Oxygen, element (XD, it is hard)

COLLAPSED: slump, fell, settle, crumple, fell faint on me backo. (XD I made up the last one)

OXYGEN: Air, element, atomic number eight. (I made none of these up)

Well, you don't have to use these , but you see what I mean? Using the same word is repetitive so spice it up!

I started to panic, not knowing where I was or why. I stood up and ran sluggishly towards a dead tree. The sky was filled with clouds and showed no signs of sunshine anytime soon. The thought of being in the shade where anything could get me wasn’t helping my rising panic.

Maybe add in she felt dizzy. Sometimes a comparison to how the protagonist feels can make everything so much clearer (albeit seeing it as, uh, well, dizzy...)

TIME FOR ANOTHER PROF. JADE EXAMPLE!
YOU: I wish there was a dislike button....

She walked along the river bank, staring at the clear water. She looked up the the forget-me-not blue sky and the dark green trees. She wished she wasn't so tired and energy-less.

Or, I could put it like this:

The ground swayed beneath her slightly as she paced along the riverbank. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to reduce the dizzyness. She wished she wasn't too tired to enjoy the scenery.

See, I'm showing the reader how the character feels, not telling them. Saying, the ground swayed, makes us know how they feel instead of saying: she felt scared.

Moving on.


As if reading my mind, an unfortunately familiar voice boomed from behind me, “Hello, love.”

OoOo, another hook.

I spun around and stood face to face with Zander. I cried out when I saw my Mom’s body, crumpled by his feet. He held her hair in his hand and jerked it back roughly, exposing her neck like Vitruvius had done to me the night Zander saved me.

If this is narrate from her point of view, why is she saying my mom. Mom sounds a bit more fresh and raw. My mom sounds more polished and prepared.


He grinned smugly, making me feel sick again.

All your sentences are roughly the same length, which is disturbing the flow. Making them a mix of short and long can almost being soothing to read. ANOTHER EXAMPLE:
You: Oh, gosh, someone save me.

Ok, so read this.

She went to the store and bought fruit. "Thank you" she said to the clerk there. She hoped to enjoy her juicy, delicious fruit. Then a mean man stole her only pear.

NOW. Read this:

She went to the store. Two pounds of fruit was on her list. "Thank you" she said. Her plans of enjoying it was destroyed when a man stole it from her.

Not a good example, but you see when the lengths vary it sounds better?

Moving on.

“Please, Zander. Leave her alone.” I pleaded. Something in his eyes told me that that was the last thing on his mind.

Please and pleaded forces the rhythm. Maybe sub the latter of them with begged, groveled, etc...
That that is unneeded. You could use just one that.

His grasp faltered a bit and hope rose in me. Maybe he would have mercy on her.

I love your writing style. Seriously. I feel your characters are believable and you have a talent for getting your readers' reactions!

His features seemed normal but his fangs extended in the blink of an eye and were dug deeply into my Mom’s neck. I screamed, my heart lurching forward as Mom gasped and began to choke on her own blood. I tried to move to get him off of her but some invisible force held me tightly in place. I was stuck there, unable to help her as blood trickled out of her mouth and down her neck.

Ah, you made me feel. Congrats!

Tears streamed down my face as I watched him drink her blood. Every ounce being drained from her. The color in her face disappearing with each gratified gulp he took. I tried to close my eyes but found that I couldn’t.

The description feels forced. I PROMISE I AM NOT TRYING TO WRITE YOUR BOOK FOR YOU, but this is how I would have put it:

I screamed as I watched him drink at her blood thirstily. Her rosy cheeks becoming paler for every gulp he took. Her smooth skin wrinkling faster every second. I tried to close my eyes but I couldn't look away. I could feel tears soaking my cheeks, bile in my throat, and I was shaking and gasping for breath. But I could only think of what was before me.

When I write I try to put myself in the character's head. Forcing myself to think how'd they feel. Like, the horror, saddness, regret of the mother/daughter fights, relationship memories, etc, all at once. Feel it!

He threw back his head and sighed in content. He let Mom’s hair go, letting her body drop to the ground lifelessly. My body trembled as I sobbed silently, looking into her clouded brown eyes.

I would no way in heck be silent. I would scream at him, punch him, kill him. SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO PRY HIS LIFELESS BODY OUT OF MY HANDS FOR KILLING MY MOM! HOW DARE HE BREATH! Wow, your writing is making me angry. (In a good way! You made me feel liek the MC. Bravo!)

“Aww, Katie. This really is a shame,” he said, his voice soft as he took small steps towards me, “I didn’t want to kill her but you left me no choice. You wouldn’t listen to me. I did try to warn you about that Hunter boy.”

I don't know if I can remember everything about this series but I know hate Zander.

“Aww, Katie. This really is a shame,” he said, his voice soft as he took small steps towards me, “I didn’t want to kill her but you left me no choice. You wouldn’t listen to me. I did try to warn you about that Hunter boy.”

Maybe put soft and mocking, soft yet edging. Something to describe how he feels. Like, does he regret it? Is he about to kill Katie? Is he going to threaten her?

I was taken over by a rush of fear as he came steadily closer to me. He had retracted his fangs but it did little to hide the blood covering his mouth. My Mom’s blood.

Don't capitalize M in mom if you say my mom. You only would if you just said mom.

Something about him was different. He didn’t seem the same as he had any other time I had confronted him. The way he moved was different. Each step was controlled and I felt like he was going to give me the same fate as Mom and I couldn’t do anything to defend myself.

I feel you say different for lack of a better word. When you write, try to describe more.

He was right in front of me now, close enough that I could smell the blood on his breath. He sighed and stroked my face tenderly. My body jerked in an attempt to get away from his touch but with whatever was holding me in place, I didn’t move an inch.

I love your hooks!

His hand moved from my face, down my neck and now he was holding me with one arm. He put his lips to my neck and sighed again. His hands roamed my waist and I prayed silently that was all he was going to do.

Creep! I hate him! (Sorry, but I do!)

Tears streamed down my face and I tried to tell him to stop but I couldn’t find my voice. It was gone just like my will to move.

Is it a spell of some sort or her being scared. Elaborate!

Zander pulled away, a disgusting grin on his face as he watched me struggle. He chuckled, biting his lip as he gazed at every inch of my body. I felt like I was being violated in so many ways and I prayed to God that all he would do was look. I didn’t want any vampire offspring.

That honestly made me flinch.

Any lore to be found on vampires says that they can’t have kids but this was the real deal. I didn’t want to take any chances.

XD I love how you mix your dry wit with the complete seriousness of the situation. You make it so it's not too much or too little. And very fun to read!

Finally, I was able to move and speak again, “Zander, please,” I cried, “I don’t want this.”

No comment.

The freedom of movement came so suddenly though, that my legs went limp and I fell to the ground. He took a step toward me and I looked up to his face. His grin was no longer there and he extended his hand to help me up. I kept my hand to myself but against my will, my arm slowly accepted his.

Maybe comment on his facial expression. does he look ready to kill, remorseful, expressionless?

I didn’t even have control of my own body? What type of screwy was going on?

XD. For the first sentence, don't do a question mark. NEVER convey how the character feels with a punctuation mark. EXAMPLE TIME, CLASS:
You: I never enrolled in this class. Get off my laptop!

ANGER: I was bubbling over, trying to take deep breaths to soothe my beating heart. I unclenched my fists.

SADDNESS: I felt tears prickling in my eyes, my head hurt.

EXCITEMENT: Ahhh. (Ok, maybe you need one for that)

QUESTIONING: I hoped I was able to move my body, but I was unsure.

I know I'm saying, not showing, but I'm tired, OK. Let's continue:


I stood up slowly. I tried so hard to keep my gaze away from his but it seemed the harder I tried, the easier I was forced to do the opposite. I fearfully stared into his dark eyes.

Aww, this was almost romantic.

Something in them had changed, as if a veil had been lifted and he was back. His eyes had softened and the small whimper that escaped his lips told me something was very, very wrong. I could feel it in the air, in the ground and in his manor. Everything I’d seen was wrong.

Maybe say she felt goosebumps prickling on her arms, and be more specific on how his manor changed. His posture? A huge difference in facial expression? DID HIS HAIR COLOR CHANGE? (I use caps for drama, I'm not yelling!)

I wasn’t sure whether I was relieved or not. His old self wasn’t exactly an angel but it seemed he was compared to the beast I’d just seen.

That statement sums up a lot. In a good way.

“I’m sorry Katie. I shouldn’t have done that,” he exclaimed as he fell to his knees, “Please forgive me. Please!”

OK, so I get forgiving someone for cheating, or lying, or something like that. But for sucking all the blood out your mom. Is this just me or is that a HUGE red flag?

He clung to my legs and despite how freaked out I was, I couldn’t help but feel awkward. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to get him off. He let go but still knelt in front of me.

SO HE SHOULD!

“Zander, I just want you out of my life. Please, just leave.” I said, not knowing what else to do. I wasn’t about to forgive him for everything he’d done. In reality or whatever freako place this was.

She should have a more physical reaction, in my opinion. Maybe a slap, or a kick, or even just tensing up and scowling.

He stood up, wiping at his tears with the back of his sleeve and simply said, “I’m sorry that I brought this on you. I will do as you asked.”

(ExAmPlE tImE:))

YOU: I am NEVER posting again now.

Now he is talking out-of-character. Like, he goes from this Draco Malfoy kid to this old man. Keep it consistent.

Just like that, he walked away. I sighed in relief and slumped against the dead tree. Exhausted, I felt myself drift into a light sleep, despite the surroundings around me.

I feel his character would be more grovelly. He would pester her for forgiveness, not just quit and walm away. of course, they're your characters and you know them better! I'm not trying to get you to change their personalities.

I stayed in a light sleep, aware of everything around me. I felt the change as I awoke slightly when I heard Nathan’s voice, filled with urgency, “Katie! Wake up! Katie, don’t you leave me. Please Katie, come on.”

I think it's odd she could sleep right after her mom died. Wouldn't she be up all night in turmoil, not being able to get that thought out of her head. Maybe at least call the police? I can't remember too much about this series so I don't know if that's an option for her or not.

I drifted back to sleep and didn’t hear anything else. It felt peaceful where I was. Nothing was wrong and I felt no worry about the times to come. I didn’t care where Zander was and I didn’t feel threatened by his existence. Vampires didn’t seem like a huge surprise and honestly, I wanted to stay wherever I was.

That's a pretty calming paragraph and I congratulate you on that.

That desire changed drastically when I felt warm lips press against mine in a desperate plea. I felt myself snap back into consciousness and I was painfully aware of Nathan. I kept my eyes shut, not sure if I should return his kiss or pretend I was still sleeping.

Jeez, that man took Snow White way to seriously. Kiss of Life, not wake up the girl who has just had her life ripped apart.

Being the chicken I am, I waited until his lips left my own before pretending to wake up gradually. Wow…it was so like in every Disney movie out there. You know, the girl’s “true love” kisses her and then she wakes up. How cliché.

Just kiss her to wake her up, as you do! XD no, this was cute and I kind of ship it!

“Nathan? What happened?” I asked, my voice surprisingly hoarse. My throat was dry and I could feel it crack as I spoke.

Good, thorough detail.

He sighed in relief and exclaimed, “Oh thank God! You’ve been unconscious for like, an hour! I don’t know what happened but don’t let it happen again.”

A hard poke would have been sufficient at most, Nathan.

I moved myself into a sitting position and despite being "sleeping" when he kissed me, I felt my cheeks warm up as I looked into his eyes. Those hazel eyes hid so much from me in the past and I was sure there was more I had yet to learn. There was no way he told me everything in one shot.

Woah, cute!

He put his hand on my forehead and frowned, "You've got a fever. I think you should lie back down and rest for a bit."

Really? Why didn't you check her temperature before slobbering on her? (BTW, the he's a creep remarks are a joke. I ship this and it's cute, I just think it's weird he had to kiss her and watch her sleep.)

I nodded my head and instantly regretted it as it caused the world to spin. I exhaled deeply and let him support me as he helped ma lay back down.

Maybe tell us what she smelled. Like, his musky cologne, or the smell of wet grass.

After a few moments of just lying there in silence, I looked around slowly and noticed James wasn't around.

Maybe instead of saying around twice say something along the lines of:

James wasn't there.

"Where's James?" I asked.

"He went to go find Mom. I didn't know what to do and I knew she would have a better idea. They'll probably be here soon." He replied, taking my hand into his. I tried not to show how nervous I was at the movement but I was sure it was on my face as plain as day.

Nice description.

I nodded my head again and decided to change the subject by saying, "Okay. Well, while they're gone, I may as well tell you about what happened to me while I was out."

He tipped his head to the side and raised an eyebrow in questioning, "What do you mean?"

I sighed and told him everything that I'd seen and what had happened to me. Dang, maybe say how hard it was for her to get through it, or his reaction during. The transition throws of the flow and regains it shakily.

When I was finished, he looked at me and said, “Well, that’s definitely troublesome. I’m going to go to Jim’s and see if he’s found anything that I asked him to look into. I'll tell him about all this too.”


He stood up and grabbed his jacket but stopped in mid-movement and asked, "Will you be okay alone until Mom and James get here?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I said, nodding my head. I winced as it sent everything spinning...again.

Refrain form three dots. Just a personal tip... it throws the flow off... though... I hope you see what I mean...

He raised his eyebrow in doubt but didn't argue with me as he walked out. I stayed where I was, not trusting myself not to vomit if I got up. My head was spinning and my stomach lurched in every which way. If it was a normal day and I had the symptoms I had now, I'd say I had an extreme case of sun stroke but I knew better. This was some sort of after effect of being in some weird land in my head.

XD I love this book way too much.

He kissed you? Zander asked in an angry disbelief. Why did he care?

Yes.

You’ll regret letting him.

Great. Now he was threatening me…again!

Yes, you describe the voices in people's head perfectly without over-doing it!

I doubled over in pain and dropped off the couch onto the ground where I lay motionless. I felt my body tremble as a blurry image of the hospital flashed into my mind followed by another of my mom lying in her hospital bed. Pain racked my body as I lay there, trying to make sense of what was happening.

I somehow knew what was coming next. This had only happened twice before when I went into some sort of vision thing and saw an image of Zander.

The only difference about this time was that I couldn’t feel what Zander was feeling and the pain was way more intense. I couldn’t sense his aura the way I had before. There was nothing and yet I knew Zander was sending me these images on purpose. It's not like I'm connected to everyone and this was no accident.

Another image of my mom came flying in, more detailed this time.

No!

Her face was pale while her bloodshot eyes were wide open and full of fear. A trickle of blood stained the white sheets covering her arm and after a moment, the image evolved into another more brutal. This one was of Mom’s face. Her eyes lay half open and glazed over, like there was no life left in them.

Just like that, I snapped back out of it. I gasped for air but as soon as I filled my lungs again, I realized something.

Zander went after Mom.

But why?

That ending is soo hooking!


OVERALL: I have spent an hour and a half typing. My arms hurt, I'm tired. I had to though! I love this series and it has great potential. Please post again soon. I'M SO SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG! If you want me to dial down I will. I only get a hundred points no matter the length of the review if it's over 1,00 characters so I'm doing this because I like the book. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything I said, because I'm not very good at explaining. I honestly hope this helped.

-Professor Jade.

P.S. I'll let you know how long this was XD, for boasting purposes.

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this out the Green Room now.

I'm very glad that you got Katie out of that world but dang, that was intense. I hope there's going to be some analysis because I'm not sure what that was. Some kind of vision? A mental kidnapping? *Shudder* the inside of Zander's mind? I must say, it was actually refreshing to see this side of Zander. Before this point, we've only seen him be kind and protective and more or less benevolent to Katie, and he hasn't seemed nearly so dangerous as Nathan considered him, so seeing this side of him definitely added depth to his character and made us better understand why Katie should be careful of him and needs him gone. I actually had thought that he was gone when he walked away, though, until he started talking to her again.

I did not understand the latter vision. It seemed rather strange and I wasn't really sure what was going on in that scene. I actually think there was one too many visions in this scene, and that they began to run together too much. Maybe having more conversation, particularly between Katie and Nathan with Zander interluding and then Katie and Zander, would help break up the visions.

I also find it interesting that Nathan left Katie alone after she was unconscious for an hour. I would expect him to be more worried about her. My guess is that no vampires or monsters have been invited into his house (though I still suspect James of being a vampire; Katie's invitation was too pointed and clear to be otherwise), but wouldn't he worry about what Zander might do again in her mind? That seemed odd. Maybe more justification for him leaving her, such as deciding that she's safer if he gets help sooner or something like that?

Overall, this is a great chapter! Very well written and nicely done!

H

Are you trying to mess with my mind on purpose?! First you have me liking Zander, then despising him, then liking him. What's going on? I'm so confused. Part of me hopes that something is making Zander behave so horribly. But he is a vampire and has killed thousands without a single scruple. Ugh. This is tearing me apart.

And that kiss - oh my gosh! So cute. Why'd you even bother bringing James into the picture. Get rid of him. This is obviously a triangle - not a rectangle. I don't care two hoots what happens to James (though he apparently makes good eggs for breakfast). I care only about Nathan and Zander.

Right now its mostly Nathan.

Hurry and post the next chapter. You are such a great, fantastic, fabulous writer and I can't wait for more.

-Shieldmaiden