Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Author's note: This is a completely different genre then my other book and I'm trying out a lot of different stuff so I apologize if it's rough! (I would love tips if it is!) Also, this is rated +16 for mature content but I promise it will never go in depth about anything. I may hint at things but I will never outright talk about stuff.
Chapter 1
It was night when I decided to go for a walk on the outskirts of the sleepy town. I glanced up at the stars and inhaled deeply, hoping, just hoping that maybe Nathan would drive by. Hoping that maybe he would stop and offer me a ride; that we would talk and our friendship would somehow, magically reappear. I knew deep down that he was gone. He would never look at me the way he did when we were kids or be comfortable enough to call me on the phone. All those years of sweet innocence were gone and I didn’t even have a chance to be grateful for them.
I wasn’t over it, that I knew for sure. But why? I knew what he was like. How much of an asshole he’d become. Why couldn’t I come to terms with the way he was now and just let him go? He wasn’t the same boy I had played with as a kid. Those years were long past.
It was at least five years since we stopped hanging out. Five years already, I thought to myself, and I still haven’t let go. I scoffed and rolled my eyes in frustration. What I saw in him, I didn’t know. I realized I was in love with his memory and not him but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
It didn’t help the case that my best friend, Jennifer, was his sister. I couldn’t even run away from him and ignore him. I was stuck seeing him all the time. Having to hide my true feelings from everyone every time I went over to Jen’s house wasn’t easy. Just the other day, I was playing a game with Jen and her sister and Nathan came to help me with my turn. Since the game was a hush-hush kind of game, he had leaned in close with a smirk on his face to whisper in my ear. I shook my head as I remembered how my heart had leapt to my throat.
“Stop it. He doesn’t even know you anymore. You don’t know him. You don’t like him. He doesn’t like you. Your family hates him which means you should too.” Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, our families have had a long lasting family feud and I’m the only one that held onto my friendship. Jennifer and I have a pact to never speak about the dumb fights our parents have all the time. We decided it wasn’t healthy for our friendship and that we wouldn’t agree on anything anyways so why bother?
My phone buzzed, causing me to jump. Fumbling in the cold, I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the contact. Speak of the devil, it was Jennifer.
“Hello?” I tried to keep the depression out of my voice as I answered and hoped she wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.
“Hey, Katie! Whatcha’ up to?” Her voice was chirpy, almost making me grumpier.
“Oh not much. Just out for a walk. How about you?” I meant to be as happy sounding as she did but failed miserably. Just get off the phone before she realizes something’s wrong.
“Okay, spill it.” Too late. I could just imagine her sitting on her bed, her curly black hair a mess and her green eyes rolling.
“Spill what? Jen, I’m fine. I promise.” I lied. How was I supposed to tell her that I was still madly in love with her brother? No thank you. She would get it but she would freak at the same time.
“Uh-huh. This is about James isn’t it?” James? Oh thank God that’s what she thought.
I forced a sad chuckle, hoping to mislead her, “Yeah okay, not so fine. Ugh, I have such luck with guys! Honestly, I don’t get it why every guy I’ve ever liked always has a girlfriend. What do I do to make guys notice me!? What’s so wrong with me that makes them avoid me like the plague!?”
Silence.
After what seemed like forever, Jennifer answered me, “Nothing is wrong with you. As cliché as this is, it’s just that they don’t appreciate how awesome you actually are. Ignore the bastards. You are friends with James and that’s a step towards something more. You also have Austin who your friends with. See, guys don’t avoid you.” I almost chuckled as she sped up when talking about her ex. Yep, one of my best friends dated my other best friend, Austin, and now they hated each other. Not to mention, Jen basically went behind my back for months because she knew I liked him. I don't blame Austin for not telling me because that was before we were really close. Why does drama love me?
“I guess. It just gets me that James knows that I like him and it wasn’t even me who told him. Well, no one deliberately told him but still. And like I've told you before, Austin is just a friend. I don’t mean guys avoid me completely but they don’t look at me the way they would look at you.” I no longer had to fake my exasperation. These are all valid things that I hate about my life. Funny how all of them revolve around stupid guys.
“Okay, look at it this way. There’s no way Austin doesn’t have any feelings for you. You’ve told me enough stories and I know how he acts around people he likes. He may not realize it yet but he does like you. James has talked to you over the phone a couple times for a few minutes. That’s a step in the right direction, is it not? Just stop being so picky!” I appreciated her attempts to make me cheer up but all she was doing was confusing me more.
I looked up ahead, where the street light lit the road up in a yellowish tint. To my surprise, a group of guys were starting to walk towards me. I was getting a little nervous. It may be a small town but it definitely had its fair share of weirdos. Completely forgetting about Jen for a minute, I turned around and started walking back the way I’d come. My heart beat faster and I could barely resist the urge to start running.
“Hello?” Jennifer’s voice came from her phone in a sing song tone.
“Oh sorry. Hey, Jen? I’m gonna let you go but if you don’t hear from me in half an hour, come looking for me.”
“What? Hey, don’t you hang u-” Click.
I stuck my phone in the pocket of my jeans and glanced behind me. They weren’t there. I slowed to a stop, looking around. Where did they go? My heart sped even faster. Before, I at least knew where they were. It was even more unnerving not being able to see them.
Seeing nothing, I turned back around and ran right smack into one! I yelped, surprised. Panic rose in my throat as I caught a glance at his face. I didn’t recognize him but with that god-awful, wrinkly mask, there was no way I would be able to. He had long brown hair and his cat-like eyes shone through his mask. Long, sharp canine teeth protruded from his mouth. It looked so real it was terrifying. His little group stayed well behind him, giving him space. Space for what!?
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
I want to review just for points but to be honest this is perfect. The way you were patient with your writing and the end makes you want to keep reading. THIS IS HOW YOU HOOK A READER.😁 I feel like I need to take some notes from this chapter.
Really amazing in all honesty. I see no flaws, none I think the average reader would care about. Once again really great job, well done.
Thanks for the review!
Oof this was REALISTIC AF!!!!!!
Dang! You are a literal queen! You had me totally hooked by the first paragraph. I especially loved your line:”I decided to go for a walk on the outskirts of the sleepy town”. There is just something about this that really got me going. Already in this first paragraph, you have characterization going. And the imagery! I felt like I was watching a movie of words. Also, I loved this line: . “I realized I was in love with his memory and not him but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.” It really captures her emotions and feelings. “Her voice was chirpy,” I like this to people (me included) use said far far far too much. You really had a variety of ways of describing one's dialogue and tone. Okay, i think this is my last quote of your work: “Yeah okay, not so fine. Ugh, I have such luck with guys! Honestly, I don’t get it why every guy I’ve ever liked always has a girlfriend. What do I do to make guys notice me!? What’s so wrong with me that makes them avoid me like the plague!?” This is soooo relatable and really helps me connect to the reader. It has a nice kind of humor to it. At the same time, I want to jump in your book give your character a massive hug and say me too:) GAWK and that suspense at the end… I need to sleep but I just want to binge the rest. You are a very strong writer and should be very proud of this work. I am so glad I get to review it for you:) Please never stop writing!!!
Thank you Raelyn! (Love the new username btw!)
I really appreciate the review! I%u2019m super glad you like it! The only reason I could write her emotion properly was because this is all WAY too freaking relatable for me too. *sends air hug to you*
I love that you love it! Thanks for reviewing!
No problem %uD83D%uDE09 I am reading ch.2 rn:)
Hello! Here is my review. I cans ay that I like how deeply you go into the protagonists' thoughts and emotion and how you are careful not to reveal everything immediately in order to make me hungry for attention. The style is fine and clear too, I can't think of anything problematic. But after such a chapter one would not think it is fantasy. It all sounds so perfectly normal, a story everyone else could have, that who is interested in fantasy may go away.
That's all for now!
Hi there! Thanks for the review! It isn%u2019t really Fantasy in this chapter but it does get to it in future chapters!
Hello, Professor Jade here for a brief examination (professor talk!) I'm here to give a review. I'm afraid it won't be too long because I have to study two languages. Not of my own free will, but I HAVE to know them so... (Excuse my little rant.)
I'll just give you my overall and I promise my review of part two will be over 2000 words. Let's begin, shall we.
So, you have a good tension between the character relationships, though you could explain it a bit better.
Maybe add a few more details in certain parts to help the story flow and get the point and picture across.
Space for what!?
That line seems ametuer. Don't EVEREVEREVER Do two or more punctuation
marks. It gives the vibe of texting a friend than a professional story. You also don't see them in published books, right? I also saw that in a few other spots.
ALSO, imagine a pizza. A pizza with gooey, golden cheese. So much tomato sauce, stuffed crust and whatever toppings you want.
Imagine you take a bite and find out it tastes burnt and sour.
That's what I think of this....
DON'T TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY!!! THE STORY IS AMAZING AND I LOVE IT, I'M NOT BEING MEAN, I SWEAR!
I mean, the title just sounds like it was thought of before you wrote the book. A bit off.
I do like this book and it lives up to the writing reputation you've gained from readers (an amazing rep). Good, you gave us a tease and tension. You made me feel excited and scared at the same time. How??
Anyways, Good luck and I will get to part two soon!
Professor Jade
Thank you Professor!
Now that you point that out about the double exclamation marks it makes sense! Thank you for pointing that out because I never would have even though about it otherwise.
And yes, the title is just a temporary one lol. I just needed something so that I could post it
Thanks again!
Glad I could help!
(Also, do you have wattpad?)
Yep! Your sure did!
No I don%u2019t. What is that?
It's another writing site where you can post books and they have covers and people can support you and sometimes it'll be made into a movie and you can win awards.
I just joined and I'm so overwhelmed. So many talented writers have been discovered so I thought you might wanna check it out!
Cool! That sounds like a good place to be!
Do I just look up watt pad and sign in?
Yep! You'll have to create an account but tell me when you do and I'll follow you
Ok! I%u2019m having a hard time with my email but I will let you know as soon as I figure it out!
Cool! I just posted the cover and the revised (a lot) version of Abnormals XD
Can't wait to see the cover for this and the prophecy on there
Cool! Can%u2019t wait to see them!
Lol I will have to figure out what to do for them!
Love it! I really like your character's relationship with Jennifer. However, how did she end up dating Austin behind Katie's back? And how does James know that she likes him? That sounds like a really great back story - hopefully you go into it a bit more.
Those group of guys disappearing like that - creepy! It gave me chills. And I was super frustrated with your character for hanging up on Jennifer. Though I know that these boys are probably supernatural, one of the best rules to protect oneself against creeps is to be on the phone.
Really enjoyable read! Can't wait to read your next chapter.
-Shieldmaiden
Thanks Cecy! Lots of stuff will be explained as it goes. For Austin and Jennifer's relationship, I was meaning that they kept it hidden for a while before telling her about it. Going behind her back was more or less because Jennifer knew Katie liked him. That's what I was meaning.
Hey hey! This was so good. I love the emotion and relatability that you write Katie with. The first paragraph especially had a powerful punch to it, for me.
I'm just gonna start with the nitpicks!
"You also have Austin who you[']r[e] friends with." Just the use of "your" instead of "you're."
This was the only typo I saw, so kudos to you for that haha.
Another thing I saw that I personally would change was at the end of the third paragraph when she says, "but I couldn’t bring myself to say it." I would maybe change it to something like, "but I couldn't seem to accept it" or "but just knowing that didn't stop my heart/emotions/affection toward him" or something along those lines. Saying she "Couldn't bring herself to say it" comes off kinda contradicting since, technically her narrating the story, is her saying it, yaknow? So the issue isn't saying it, it's just getting herself to really believe it on a foundational (apparently that's not a word? lol) level. That's just my opinion though.
Another thing, I personally feel like the ending of the chapter kinda falls flat. I think ending on her getting caught by some mysterious dude with canine teeth and an ugly mask is a really suspenseful way to end it, for sure. But I think just the sentence you chose to end on almost comes off... I don't know, almost comical to me? I think I would take out everything after, "Long, sharp canine teeth protruded from his mouth" and maybe you could even add, "so realistic I almost wasn't sure if they were fake" if you still wanted to add in that detail about how real they looked. But then, I'd say, maybe end it on him lunging for her or reaching out to grab her, or maybe a sentence that shows her helplessness in the situation, like, "I looked around for help, but all I saw were his friends, standing a few paces away [all wearing the same kind of masks]."
Of course, I haven't read the part after this, and I don't know where you're taking this. But that's just what I was thinking.
Overall, this was really interesting, and you've managed to make a really cool character that keeps me engaged. And this part was written so well, with a really nice flow, and keeps me wanting to read more, so good good job!!
- Pom!
Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate the help! I will take what you said with me when I keep on writing. I have had people tell me about that ending too, so I can understand where you%u2019re coming from! Thanks again!
First off, this doesn't seem like a rough piece to me. I think it's pretty good, especially since you're saying this is a new genre for you. The majority of the problems here seem to be grammatical, which is good because you don't need to focus on the story as much.
Things I would change:
I would remove the comma after the "somehow."
I won't point out every error, but really the only big problems are the commas. Most times, there isn't one where there should be. Also note that sing-song has a hyphen between the two words.
Overall, I really liked this chapter. Good job on the cliffhanger! I'm interested in the rest of the story now. Good luck!
Thank you! I appreciate the feedback! Everything you said will help me so thank you again!
No problem and thanks for replying!
I love it!
You did really great on this Honora!
I'm actually glade your trying a different genre than usual. I feel it will really help with your other works, and its great to try new things right? Anyway lets get into the review.
This is really great, I love how you started it, it really caught my attention. I love how you transitioned it as well it was really great. It flowed almost perfectly! I was disappointed though of how you ended it. It didn't really make me want to read more. Maybe if you had cut it off around the part were she explained the cat eyes, sharp teeth it would have been better. Also i did find a few grammar and punctuation errors, watch out for those!
Either than that you did great!!
Keep up the good writing!
I'm looking forward for the next chapter!!
Sincerely Anma
Thank you so much! I do have to work on my cliffhangers lol. Thanks for pointing it out!
WOW. This is great!! Tag me for these!! <3
Thank you and I will!
I'm grateful that you still tag me to this very day. :p
Aww! Thank you Lib! <3