Hi there,
Lehmanf here with a short review.
Personally, this poem is nice. A few spelling mistakes etc.
Unto my lover whose eyes flow cold rivers and melt temporal cores,
I give my earthly body and transcending soul,
A gift, not mine to bestow,
But with Greed, I do what I must.
I love the mystic feeling of the line, "I give my earthly body and transcending soul." It almost sounds like a letter. "Unto my lover..." The word choice is perfect. Incredible. I love it. The feeling of "cold rivers" is a really great description of his eyes. And I'm not sure what a temporal core is but it seamlessly fits. "... Not mine to bestow." The first feeling of a controlling relationship. "But with Greed..." This feeling of you don't have the right, you're so greedy to do what you want your body is absolutely clogging my throat. I really hope I'm not misinterpreting.
Against the wishes of my lover,
Whose breath caressed my cheek from dusk to dawn,
I crave to be a leaf in the winds that rage between mountains lows,
All but consumed in the Wrath of the air.
"Against the wishes..." I almost start to feel that she isn't faithful to him. "Whose breath caressed my cheeks from dusk to dawn." Someone who loves her. It almost reminds me of It by Stephen King. To quote: I worry about you, I worry a lot.
"I crave to be a leaf..." I really like the metaphor of a wind left to float, as if the storm outside is better than their lover. "All but consumed in the Wrath..." Consumed and already drifting away in the rage of the wind. As if already broken and floating away.
With my lover whose skin is everchanging,
Paling against the Moon at her brightest,
Darkening against the whaling of his Majesty's Sun,
I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body.
"Paling against the Moon at her brightest." Shouldn't this be he? The comparatives here are also really nice. "I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body." She really does care for him. No matter how she seems to be controlled or hurt. She really wants to be a protector.
For my lover whose frail and almighty,
A constant change in nature and mind,
I would demolish the armies that welcome disgrace,
Dismantle governments, obliterate worlds, Gluttonous I am made to be.
"For my lover whose frail and almighty." Her lover like a power of nature but fragile. In need of her love. Dependent on her. Someone, she would do anything for, no matter what. No matter who. She seems to be more than a lover. It's part of her life. She sees it as a responsibility to do almost everything for him.
Behind my lover who moves with glided grace,
I stand still in time and motion,
Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me,
And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move.
"Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me." And she seems stuck by the fact she has to stand still. That she has to be stuck in never-ending waiting. Waiting for him. "And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move." Too scared to move. Too scared to do anything without his permission.
Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me,
I wished upon everything that eternity could stay,
For I longed evermore to belong,
Envious to every fiber of that being.
"Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me." And yet he's always the one waiting for her. But as soon as he leaves she's waiting. Stuck for him. "I wished upon everything that eternity could stay." Maybe that's why she never wants it to end. It's horrible to think she wants to be stuck to solve her problem of being stuck. And just to belong. "Envious to every fibre of that being." So jealous just to belong in a world that doesn't make sense.
Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole,
Whose arms embraced me one last time, whose passion warmed my bones and cooled my skin,
Decorated in the scars of my sins, bleeding, healing,
Wearing my Pride as a dress of comfort, an impregnable armor.
"Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole." Is the poem a contradiction? Every single verse contradicts her feeling and her duty. And she needs him. She needs his embrace, his passion, his brilliance. But it pains her to have to experience it. It hurts her to want to do so. And wear a mask to protect her. But she hurts inside. But she wants to hurt. She just wants him.
I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark,
Running with hope to a light that glows at the end of all halls,
So that maybe I could be graced with a slight chance, a glimmer of hope,
That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins.
"I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark." She's dead it seems, hurt. By him? She really wants him. But how did she die? "That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins." But she wants him so bad. There's no conflict in her mind. "Lying in the wake." And she sounds like she's drowning in all her wrongs. But what were wrongs? Or does she finally sense her problem?
I really loved this poem. It was brilliant. Check your spelling where I suggested. But I love, love, love it.
Lehmanf
Points: 155
Reviews: 30
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