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The Sins in Which I Part from You

by Hawinay


Unto my lover whose eyes flow cold rivers and melt temporal cores,

I give my earthly body and transcending soul,

A gift, not mine to bestow,

But with Greed, I do what I must.

---

Against the wishes of my lover,

Whose breath caressed my cheek from dusk to dawn,

I crave to be a leaf in the winds that rage between mountains lows,

All but consumed in the Wrath of the air.

---

With my lover whose skin is everchanging,

Paling against the Moon at her brightest,

Darkening against the whaling of his Majesty's Sun,

I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body.

---

For my lover whose frail and almighty,

A constant change in nature and mind,

I would demolish the armies that welcome disgrace,

Dismantle governments, obliterate worlds, Gluttonous I am made to be.

---

Behind my lover who moves with glided grace,

I stand still in time and motion,

Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me,

And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move.

---

Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me,

I wished upon everything that eternity could stay,

For I longed evermore to belong,

Envious to every fibre of that being.

---

Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole,

Whose arms embraced me one last time, whose passion warmed my bones and cooled my skin,

Decorated in the scars of my sins, bleeding, healing,

Wearing my Pride as a dress of comfort, an impregnable armor.

---

I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark,

Running with hope to a light that glows at the end of all halls,

So that maybe I could be graced with a slight chance, a glimmer of hope, 

That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins.


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26 Reviews


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Fri Mar 11, 2022 6:37 pm
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Moonglade says...



Hi there,

Lehmanf here with a short review.

Personally, this poem is nice. A few spelling mistakes etc.

Unto my lover whose eyes flow cold rivers and melt temporal cores,
I give my earthly body and transcending soul,
A gift, not mine to bestow,
But with Greed, I do what I must.


I love the mystic feeling of the line, "I give my earthly body and transcending soul." It almost sounds like a letter. "Unto my lover..." The word choice is perfect. Incredible. I love it. The feeling of "cold rivers" is a really great description of his eyes. And I'm not sure what a temporal core is but it seamlessly fits. "... Not mine to bestow." The first feeling of a controlling relationship. "But with Greed..." This feeling of you don't have the right, you're so greedy to do what you want your body is absolutely clogging my throat. I really hope I'm not misinterpreting.

Against the wishes of my lover,
Whose breath caressed my cheek from dusk to dawn,
I crave to be a leaf in the winds that rage between mountains lows,
All but consumed in the Wrath of the air.


"Against the wishes..." I almost start to feel that she isn't faithful to him. "Whose breath caressed my cheeks from dusk to dawn." Someone who loves her. It almost reminds me of It by Stephen King. To quote: I worry about you, I worry a lot.
"I crave to be a leaf..." I really like the metaphor of a wind left to float, as if the storm outside is better than their lover. "All but consumed in the Wrath..." Consumed and already drifting away in the rage of the wind. As if already broken and floating away.

With my lover whose skin is everchanging,
Paling against the Moon at her brightest,
Darkening against the whaling of his Majesty's Sun,
I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body.


"Paling against the Moon at her brightest." Shouldn't this be he? The comparatives here are also really nice. "I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body." She really does care for him. No matter how she seems to be controlled or hurt. She really wants to be a protector.

For my lover whose frail and almighty,
A constant change in nature and mind,
I would demolish the armies that welcome disgrace,
Dismantle governments, obliterate worlds, Gluttonous I am made to be.


"For my lover whose frail and almighty." Her lover like a power of nature but fragile. In need of her love. Dependent on her. Someone, she would do anything for, no matter what. No matter who. She seems to be more than a lover. It's part of her life. She sees it as a responsibility to do almost everything for him.

Behind my lover who moves with glided grace,
I stand still in time and motion,
Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me,
And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move.


"Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me." And she seems stuck by the fact she has to stand still. That she has to be stuck in never-ending waiting. Waiting for him. "And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move." Too scared to move. Too scared to do anything without his permission.

Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me,
I wished upon everything that eternity could stay,
For I longed evermore to belong,
Envious to every fiber of that being.


"Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me." And yet he's always the one waiting for her. But as soon as he leaves she's waiting. Stuck for him. "I wished upon everything that eternity could stay." Maybe that's why she never wants it to end. It's horrible to think she wants to be stuck to solve her problem of being stuck. And just to belong. "Envious to every fibre of that being." So jealous just to belong in a world that doesn't make sense.

Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole,
Whose arms embraced me one last time, whose passion warmed my bones and cooled my skin,
Decorated in the scars of my sins, bleeding, healing,
Wearing my Pride as a dress of comfort, an impregnable armor.


"Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole." Is the poem a contradiction? Every single verse contradicts her feeling and her duty. And she needs him. She needs his embrace, his passion, his brilliance. But it pains her to have to experience it. It hurts her to want to do so. And wear a mask to protect her. But she hurts inside. But she wants to hurt. She just wants him.

I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark,
Running with hope to a light that glows at the end of all halls,
So that maybe I could be graced with a slight chance, a glimmer of hope,
That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins.


"I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark." She's dead it seems, hurt. By him? She really wants him. But how did she die? "That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins." But she wants him so bad. There's no conflict in her mind. "Lying in the wake." And she sounds like she's drowning in all her wrongs. But what were wrongs? Or does she finally sense her problem?

I really loved this poem. It was brilliant. Check your spelling where I suggested. But I love, love, love it.

Lehmanf




Hawinay says...


Thank you for your review! It is most welcome to see how you interpreted this piece. There is no specific gender in this poem for one another, I made it to be somewhat ambiguous. To feel as if someone could make it for a woman to another woman, a man to a man, or straight.

I called it the moon her, and the sun him to be a part of the picture that a moon is deemed feminine and the sun is masculine in most ways.

I am so glad you loved it though! It warms my heart to see how it influenced your way of interpretation.



Hawinay says...


To me there is no wrong interpretation, the only thing I care for is how it makes you feel inside. How it reaches to you and speaks to you through the words and between the lines.



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Fri Mar 11, 2022 6:37 pm
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Moonglade wrote a review...



Hi there,

Lehmanf here with a short review.

Personally, this poem is nice. A few spelling mistakes etc.

Unto my lover whose eyes flow cold rivers and melt temporal cores,
I give my earthly body and transcending soul,
A gift, not mine to bestow,
But with Greed, I do what I must.


I love the mystic feeling of the line, "I give my earthly body and transcending soul." It almost sounds like a letter. "Unto my lover..." The word choice is perfect. Incredible. I love it. The feeling of "cold rivers" is a really great description of his eyes. And I'm not sure what a temporal core is but it seamlessly fits. "... Not mine to bestow." The first feeling of a controlling relationship. "But with Greed..." This feeling of you don't have the right, you're so greedy to do what you want your body is absolutely clogging my throat. I really hope I'm not misinterpreting.

Against the wishes of my lover,
Whose breath caressed my cheek from dusk to dawn,
I crave to be a leaf in the winds that rage between mountains lows,
All but consumed in the Wrath of the air.


"Against the wishes..." I almost start to feel that she isn't faithful to him. "Whose breath caressed my cheeks from dusk to dawn." Someone who loves her. It almost reminds me of It by Stephen King. To quote: I worry about you, I worry a lot.
"I crave to be a leaf..." I really like the metaphor of a wind left to float, as if the storm outside is better than their lover. "All but consumed in the Wrath..." Consumed and already drifting away in the rage of the wind. As if already broken and floating away.

With my lover whose skin is everchanging,
Paling against the Moon at her brightest,
Darkening against the whaling of his Majesty's Sun,
I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body.


"Paling against the Moon at her brightest." Shouldn't this be he? The comparatives here are also really nice. "I Lust to be but a fragment of light that adorns such a celestial body." She really does care for him. No matter how she seems to be controlled or hurt. She really wants to be a protector.

For my lover whose frail and almighty,
A constant change in nature and mind,
I would demolish the armies that welcome disgrace,
Dismantle governments, obliterate worlds, Gluttonous I am made to be.


"For my lover whose frail and almighty." Her lover like a power of nature but fragile. In need of her love. Dependent on her. Someone, she would do anything for, no matter what. No matter who. She seems to be more than a lover. It's part of her life. She sees it as a responsibility to do almost everything for him.

Behind my lover who moves with glided grace,
I stand still in time and motion,
Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me,
And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move.


"Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me." And she seems stuck by the fact she has to stand still. That she has to be stuck in never-ending waiting. Waiting for him. "And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move." Too scared to move. Too scared to do anything without his permission.

Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me,
I wished upon everything that eternity could stay,
For I longed evermore to belong,
Envious to every fiber of that being.


"Beside my lover, whose smiles and confirmations awakened me." And yet he's always the one waiting for her. But as soon as he leaves she's waiting. Stuck for him. "I wished upon everything that eternity could stay." Maybe that's why she never wants it to end. It's horrible to think she wants to be stuck to solve her problem of being stuck. And just to belong. "Envious to every fibre of that being." So jealous just to belong in a world that doesn't make sense.

Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole,
Whose arms embraced me one last time, whose passion warmed my bones and cooled my skin,
Decorated in the scars of my sins, bleeding, healing,
Wearing my Pride as a dress of comfort, an impregnable armor.


"Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole." Is the poem a contradiction? Every single verse contradicts her feeling and her duty. And she needs him. She needs his embrace, his passion, his brilliance. But it pains her to have to experience it. It hurts her to want to do so. And wear a mask to protect her. But she hurts inside. But she wants to hurt. She just wants him.

I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark,
Running with hope to a light that glows at the end of all halls,
So that maybe I could be graced with a slight chance, a glimmer of hope,
That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins.


"I crawled in wonder towards their light and walked in fear behind their dark." She's dead it seems, hurt. By him? She really wants him. But how did she die? "That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins." But she wants him so bad. There's no conflict in her mind. "Lying in the wake." And she sounds like she's drowning in all her wrongs. But what were wrongs? Or does she finally sense her problem?

I really loved this poem. It was brilliant. Check your spelling where I suggested. But I love, love, love it.

Lehmanf




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Fri Mar 11, 2022 5:29 pm
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LostWriter wrote a review...



Hey there! Lost here with a review! :D
First of all, great work. I loved it a lot. The way you portrayed the feelings and emotions of lovers is just beautiful.<3

"Behind my lover who moves with glided grace,
I stand still in time and motion,
Past, Present, and Future dance their golden threads around me,
And I, in my ever betraying Slothfulness, dare not move."

I personally really liked these lines, you used really alluring poetry in here. The way you said that the narrator's time is based upon their lover is just beautiful and relatable in a lot of ways actually.

"Without my lover, I leave this world, broken and whole,"

Hm... indeed, fellow love never fails to tie two people in fatal bonds like this. One cannot live without the other.

"Whose arms embraced me one last time, whose passion warmed my bones and cooled my skin,
Decorated in the scars of my sins, bleeding, healing,
Wearing my Pride as a dress of comfort, an impregnable armor."

These are hella beautiful too. The way the narrator's lover heals and accepts the narrator's sins, insecurities and fears and handles them flawlessly is just what a true love bond should look like.

"That I could once again see my lover, lying in the wake of all the unforsaken woes of my sins."

Yes, a sad ending in a love poem is like the perfect cherry on top of a cake. Beautiful too. Love is indeed something more fatal than wars.


Anyways, once again, very well written poem, neatly done. A solid 8.5/10!

Keep up with your writings!
Good wishes!<3 :D




Hawinay says...


Thank you for your review! I appreciate the rating, this was my first poem in quite a few years and I had to gain my flow back.



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Fri Mar 11, 2022 5:16 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I think this poem might be about not caring what other people think about you,because your lover loves you.As long as your lover likes you,then you don’t worry about others.You don’t even think about your own well-being.All thoughts are on the lover.I have enjoyed this poem.I hope that you have an amazing and awesome day and night.




Hawinay says...


Thank you for your review! I can see how that was interpreted for you, a very interesting path to take. I hope you have an amazing day as well!




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— alliyah