Forgive me, it has been a while since I posted here. I have been in and out of touch with my writing, my thoughts on a hazy horizon that I did not understand how to depict.
I mix wine with my vitamins,
and my lack of medicine with my audacity,
for I am not broken;
I have only tripped drunk,
from today back into infancy.
The storm that raged inside ripped off the labels to my ingredients,
and I began to fall in love with the solemn colors that made me,
lying in faux green to hide dead gray,
soft blankets to trick the quiet prey.
For I pompously prowl, crippled cries and hateful hunts,
covetously crave,
recklessly ravenous,
and I am
still
starving,
As if I should be ashamed for my preference—poison shamed.
My shaking hands sketch lazy thoughts,
and I tremble under the weight of dwindling dreams,
for if I ignite enough flames with my liquored breath,
will oxygen learn to speak my name?
Or will it sputter choked smoke,
curling disgusted,
mocking the faux and hollows I carry inside?
I wander between sips and sparks,
of what I consume and what consumes me,
and in the gaps,
I stumble,
audacious,
intoxicated,
a broken child and a dying storm at once.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I think it’s saying something that I don’t know if the first 2 lines are an A/N or part of the poem. Something abt me for sure.
I like how the first misaligned lines are almost as if the text itself has stumbled down the stairs.
And the other times it kinda conveys a certain unsteadiness, as alcohol is wont to do.
The middle part with the starving? That one’s feeling almost haunting, from the phrasing and also how compact the misalignment is.
I think this is my fav line here: “I began to fall in love with the solemn colors that made me” Lots of room for interpretation!
I really liked this. I like the leading of the readers eyes around the page, I think it puts a really nice emphasis on words whilst keeping up and adding to the momentum of the tone.
Some of the lines I really liked was
"lying in faux green to hide dead gray," I love the sound of this line, the assonance of 'dead gray' and 'ly' of lying with 'hi' of hide and the 'ing' of lying with the 'ee' of green is so smooth and I think helps and adds a bit more to the kinda sly characterisation of the speaker.
'I have only tripped drunk' with the line mimicking the tripping by falling to the side of the body is very well done. I think the word choice makes the seperated lines more normal and connected to the poem instead of it maybe being a harsh and 'artsy fartsy' kinda thing so good job on that, that's very clever.
'My shaking hands sketch lazy thoughts,' the contrast is really subtle between shaking and lazy, it gives so much character and honesty.
This was a really good read.