Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Expressions slip through my oiled hands like thinned water,
Averting me diseased, fouled death rainbows in the ocean,
Choking life in dark despair, clayed ash and salt on my scarring tongue.
Murderer of flora and fauna, excessive nitrogen my breath,
Asphyxiation of life is my kingly chess piece,
Depravity, my shaking trembled queen.
I am a starved man in a droughted hell,
A desperate, depraved sailor weary of siren lures,
The vaporous phantom sighs, drifting with contamination,
Haughtily whispering, bring me to shore,
For I am sinner and sovereign dominating,
I am faith and exhaustion frolicking,
And I am rage and silence roaring,
A wraith in the tided brine, lingering where faith and fury meet.
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139,372 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Hi Hawinay!! Happy review day! I'm hop! Please excuse me as for I am not the best at writing these reviews and I am writing this in the notes app on my phone 😅😅 Anyways, into the review~~~~
First, let's go over the title. I really like to look at the titles of poems to see what I can pull from the literary piece before reading it. I really love your title. "Salted Skin and Ashes" provokes descriptive imagery and this is going to sound weird but it like gives a taste to it. Exactly like the name, I taste salt and ashes. That was a really weird way to explain it but yeah lol. I feel like this title really matches the poem as well. It tells you exactly what this poem is about without giving it all away. That's hard to achieve so great job on that.
This poem is very descriptive just like the title. You use words that aren't in a daily vocabulary such as "Asphyxiation" and "Depravity". That makes the poem come off even stronger and helps invoke emotions. It makes the reader interested and makes people continue reading. I like reading free verse because it really shows a bunch of depth and overall is just an amazing work. For this being such a short poem, it really goes over different waters. That leads me to my next point. I love how you added words correlating to the ocean. It really does paint the salt part.
I wish I could review this more but alas, I got to go! Thank you for writing this amazing poem and I hope you continue writing! You are an amazing poet and I would love to see more work from you! Have a good day/morning/night/evening!
Stay amazing! Stay writing! Happy review day!
Love,
Hop
hey there!! here to give you a review on this lovely poem in honor of review day <3 (this is also my 100th review, yay!!) sorry if the review is a little short!
this is such a strong poem!! i adore the imagery and your strong style throughout. my first impression, actually, was how much this reminded me of an older style of poetry, one that was much more common in the victorian era. it's a bit of a throwback!!
firstly, your imagery truly brings me in, and the vocabulary only lends to that more. "oiled hands like thinned water" just dragged me in!! it only gets better from there, and your very last line ties it all up wonderfully. it really packs a punch.
i'd say my only critique is I don't exactly know...what it's supposed to be about? it's beautiful, and I might just be a little slow, but it does jump around a lot. however, this does not impact how much I enjoyed it!!
overall, I really loved this!! have a great day and keep writing <3
<3, chem
Hello,
Congrats on your 100th review! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem. I%u2019m thrilled you picked up on the older poetic tone. I find a lot of creative freedom in that style, where the language can expand without needing to stay contained.
As for the meaning, I actually can%u2019t offer a single answer. I don%u2019t write with one fixed message, image, or direction in mind. I write like the ocean amidst chaos; rageful, calm, precise, and damaging. My work is meant to overwhelm a bit, to let readers bring their own thoughts, memories, discomforts, and interpretations into it. The meaning shifts depending on who is reading it. If I were to explain what it means to me, I would be placing a boundary on what it could mean to you.
That confusion you felt, that reaching for meaning, is the very experience I want my writing to stir. The understanding isn%u2019t in my words, but in what they awaken in you. Thank you again for reading with such care.
I am not sure why it added those weird numbers.
Congrats on your 100th review! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem. Im thrilled you picked up on the older poetic tone. I find a lot of creative freedom in that style, where the language can expand without needing to stay contained.
As for the meaning, I actually can't offer a single answer. I don't write with a single fixed message, image, or direction in mind. I write like the ocean amidst chaos; rageful, calm, precise, and damaging. My work is meant to overwhelm a bit, to let readers bring their own thoughts, memories, discomforts, and interpretations into it. The meaning shifts depending on who is reading it. If I were to explain what it means to me, I would be placing a boundary on what it could mean to you.
That confusion you felt, that reaching for meaning, is the very experience I want my writing to stir. The understanding isn't in my words, but in what they awaken in you. Thank you again for reading with such care.
Hi there! Happy Review Day!
Wow! I feel like there is so much going on here. For such a short poem, you've managed to squeeze in a lot of potent imagery. I also really enjoy your style of writing as it reminds me of more formal poems, while embracing the flexibility and freedom that free verse affords you. It's an interesting marriage of styles, but I'm kind of liking it.
Funnily enough, what I enjoy the most about the poem is simultaneously the thing that I think is holding it back. There's such strength in the voice and metaphors, and yet I do feel that in many ways it convolutes the meaning and the reader's ability to really grasp onto a singular image. Sometimes less is more, and paring down some of the language might actually increase the effectiveness of the piece.
For example:
"Fouled death rainbows" just seems like a lot of descriptors for "rainbows". I would choose one because otherwise it's getting verbose, at least in my opinion. There are other instances throughout where maybe you could just one or two words - sometimes it feels like you couldn't decide and just threw in everything. Which is okay! In the end, it means you have more options when it comes to editing.
I enjoyed a thing strand of ocean-related metaphors and references throughout (water/ocean/salt/siren/shore/tided brine), and I think that this should actually be the focus for your imagery. If you can strengthen those while paring back on the less thematic ones, I think the meaning would be more consistent!
Overall, it feels like I've written a lot of constructive criticism, but to be clear, I really love what you have going on here. It's provocative and evokes strong emotions and with some edits here and there, I think this would be even better
Wishing you all the best,
Lavvie