Secrets that haunt,
memories that taunt,
He loved what she was, not who she is.
~~
Praying for solace and security,
Cleansing his skin in purity,
Wading in deep waters and fishing for hopes,
Only to discover he walks the tight ropes.
~~
Now he peacefully dreams with Osiris,
of puzzles
and
papyrus.
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138,610 Literary Works • 672,179 Reviews
Hey Hawinay! looseleaf here with a review.
First off, I really liked this poem! The theme I interpreted is great and I enjoyed reading this poem. I may go as far as to say I wish it was longer. >.> I also love your formatting! It helps the poem flow more than it would if you orientated it to one side/the center of the page.
I don't have any grammar critiques, but I did find one capitalization issue.
This is my favorite line in the whole poem. The imagery and meaning you convey in this single line are incredible and it brings the whole piece together (the contrast in it is also great!). But, because the line before this one ends with a comma, this "he" should not be capitalized. It shouldn't be capitalized unless it is a proper noun, which I don't think it is because "he" is not capitalized later on in the poem. This is the same in the second stanza, where the first letter of every line is capitalized. It may just be an artistic choice, though!
As much as I love this line, it also throws off your incorporation of rhyming. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if every other line didn't rhyme, but because it's the only instance where the words don't rhyme, it ruins the groove.
I would suggest adding another line to rhyme this bit with, or un-rhyming (is that a phrase?) two other lines.
I love the openness this poem has with how it is interpreted BUT, if you want it to have a clear message, I highly recommend the following thread by @lliyah: Specificity in Poetry. Even though you are very specific with your adjectives and verbs already, I would suggest adding some more background to tell the reader what went on between this couple that led him to go through the events of this poem.
Anyways, overall, this poem was great! There are a few things you can spiffy up (only if you want to), but it was incredible to read. Please have a great day and disregard any of my critiques if you want to!
Hello!
This is a very interesting poem with many possibilities for interpretation. The first portion, I think, is about a man who realises that, this whole time, he's been loving a memory of someone who has since changed. He's taunted by who she used to be, wishing desperately that she would come back, but she can't.
The next part is more interpretive, but I did a bit of research into the Egyptian underworld, and I learned that the first step to get to 12 gates of hell is a river in the sky. When the man was praying, his soul separated from his body, and he entered the river, but he wasn't focused on returning to his body - instead, he worked to cleanse himself of everything. Perhaps he saw the river to bathe in and didn't realise it was a part of the Underworld until it was too late.
In the end portion, the man has found rest after completing the trials and judgement, and has found peace. I'm not sure at all how to interpret puzzles and papyrus. I know that they wrote on papyrus at the time, so perhaps he was able to see his poems, the things he wrote for the woman he'd loved, and was unable to make them out. However, I did do some further research and discovered that papyrus represented new growth in ancient Egypt, so the man maybe started again in the Underworld and did his best to forget the woman he'd loved, though who she'd become and his love for her still proved a puzzle.
Overall, this poem was very lovely (and a puzzle to itself)! Your writing style is very soothing, and the formatting adds abstraction, which is very significant in a dreamlike poem such as this one. It's fantastic!
Keep writing!
Wayward
Hello!
Wadding - Wading
fishing for hopes - fishing for hope
walks the tight ropes - walks the tight rope
Now that's done! I agree with the analysis of vampricone6783, and I think this a feeling that - sadly - a lot of people have.
'memories that taunt' I think is him looking back on good memories and bad. The good taunt because its a 'what could have been' type thing, and the bad being 'why hadn't I seen this happening sooner' type thing.
The 'tight rope' could be him choosing whether to stay in the relationship or leave.
Overall, a nice little poem!
I think that the first part of the poem could be the guy discovering he doesn’t love someone as much as he thought he did or at all.The second part is him appreciating peace but loving danger more.The last part is him not rushing into things but dreaming as much as he can.I think this poem was about someone discovering their inner self.I hope you have a fantastic day/night.