memoni

I realize this is a little old but I hope you don't mind a review.
The rhythm of this piece is very nice, with the 5-4-5 line structure the symmetry of it works very well.
I would recommend that you move the phase "That grows up" to the next line, because how I read it initially I was left wondering what type of grass doesn't grow up?
Imagery here is perfect: Although I am not going to pretend I understand half of it, I am sure it's all very beautiful. I certainly like the way you have snippets of jumbled memories.
Anyways, well done,
Take That You Fiend!

I'm doing a review. My review won't take it line by line, ain't nobody got time fo dat. I really enjoyed the whimsical feel of this poem. It's so nostalgic and beautiful. I'm a big fan of paying attention to detail and this poem was basically only detail. I didn't quite understand the relation of each stanza to the next, except that there was a reference to some kind of nature in each. Unlike other reviewers, I really like that nothing is capitalized. Little choices like lowercasing all the words gives a different effect to the whole poem. It made this one feel quiet and smooth. I liked it!

Just a comment for now! Usually I like some capitalization, but not in memories. I think your decision to leave it out gives the poem a feel of glancing over snippets of memories. Nicely done!

I daresay I like this piece quite a lot.

Thanks for sharin'

Laminated

I see a need for capitalization.

Hi Hannah! I'm here to do a review!
Mind if I take this line by line?

"the kind of grass that grows up" I'd appreciate it if you capitalized where you should capitalize. I'm not going to bring it up again, but It looks like you didn't spend too much time in finalizing the poem if you don't do something easy like that. Unless, of course, the lack of capitalization was purposeful, (I looked up the title as I wasn't familiar with the work "memoni" and saw that it was a language. If it's a language where nothing is capitalized or something, that is fine.)
This is a very interesting first line. It sparks the reader's curiosity an makes them want to read more, leaving them with questions like "what kind of grass doesn't grow up?" It gives the reader a sense of wonder.

"by the edge of the house where the siding doesn't quite touch the ground" this is also a great line, it gives an image of a house where the one detail we know is something not many people would notice.

"and i am skipping, too --" This line doesn't make sense to me, although still leaves me with a sense of wonder. "Too" usually means "as well" and neither the grass nor the house nor the siding is skipping. So what or who else is skipping? If the answer is 'nothing' then I'd get rid of the word "too" and it works out just fine. I like the image of skipping, carefree, youthful, and childhood IS a time of wonder.

"my body had velocity" another great image. I'm imagining the narrator feeling the wind on their face, feeling as if they're moving so quickly that they feel like just a blur.

"and i have not stopped moving since." I love the symbolism, and again, the imagery of this. I'm imagining a good life, moving forward.

STANZA ROUND UP! this was a beautiful stanza that could practically be a poem all on its own. Great job with imagery and the mood of wonder.

"a speeding ticket right into the body of a deer," OH NO! We've moved from happy days of wonder to a bad accident! As is life, I suppose. again, great imagery.

"and while we waited for the tow truck:" Hm. I'm left wondering weather this is more than symbolic. Maybe it's both symbolic and literal. Is this line necessary? can we add more to it to make the next lines bridge over nicely?

"a high score on a bowling game in the midst of a pool of browned smoke" ...wait. what? I don't understand the connection. It sounds nice, but It just doesn't make any sense. did they visit a bowling ally while they waited for the tow truck?

"and water rings on counters small hands slid over quick." If my last guess was correct, then this line makes some sense, but you need a tie in.This is a stunning visual again.

STANZA ROUND UP! You have good visual sensory details, but I'd like a few more smells and touches and sounds, in all the poem, not just this stanza. I've stated my confusion at what happened. But your writing style of subdued emotions is very interesting too. It allows for a marvelous inner sense of mystery at who this person is and why they do what they do. It makes the reader want to know more about these people. Which is an admirable quality to have in any piece of writing. I hope that makes sense.

"the last time my hands pass yours:" oh no! more sadness. These changes in pace DO ring true in my ears, per-say. You were able to keep a little bit of the wonder that started in the first stanza.

"not to drop a lily on the casket," ooh, this was one of my favorite images! Very sad and bitter, but hopeful and beautiful. I like your choice of "lily" instead of just saying "flower." This was a great little detail when you include the previous and next line in your understanding of the poem.

"but over and over again in the dark with a life rolled out before me" I'm not sure exactly what this means, but to ME I feel it means that "the last time I ever touched your hand, was not to put a lily on the casket, but I held your hand all our lives and never let go until the lily was on your casket and you were gone." which is a very beautiful and powerful thought. And the "rolling out of life" is an interesting way to put how life flows by.

"leading into the dark under the house," Ooh, more mystery! More great images! The reader wonders what's under the house? and why has all of life led to what's under the house? What events took place there, or what is there?

"where roots take shape that you know nothing about." Ah. So we see. This is a great last line. To me, it seems that the narrator is speaking to whoever she put a lily on the casket of, and she's telling him, "there are things, back at the house with the siding a little way off the ground, that made me who I am. Things you know nothing about." and if that's what you meant, then this is an absolutely gorgeous way to end this poem.

STANZA ROUND UP! This was another beautiful stanza. I can't decide whether I like the first one or this one better. This one seems deep and dark and mysterious while the first one seemed bright and full of wonder and care free. Those are two very different moods to have in a poem. I really like the message of this last stanza, that everyone has a past. Or at least that's how I interpret it.

POEM ROUND UP! I really like this poem. It has great potential. I just think that some parts aren't as clear as they could be. I really applaud your talent in imagery, although I wish there were some sensory details that appealed to the other senses. I really want to know what inspired this poem. I don't see what the title has to do with it either.

This was really great, and with a little work, it could be better!
Keep writing!
~Fortis

<3

Here to review for something that is above me and out of my reach.

My name is Aquestioning, or Omni to you, and I am being made to review this. So let's begin, shall we?

Before we start, I want to say that I am not the best at reviewing poetry, but for the chat games' sake, I'm willing to review this to the best of my abilities.

and i am skipping, too

my body had velocity
and i have not stopped moving since.

small hands slid over quick.

Hey there!

I'm here to review. This is my first time reviewing poetry and I'm going to give it a go. So if I'm completely missing the meaning behind what this really means, please excuse me!

So, I'm just going to go off and say that I really liked this. I read it a few times to get a better understanding of what the meaning to me was.

When I read it, at first, I thought it was telling about a girls car accident. But then when I reread it a few more times I feel like its telling me more of this girl's journey away from this world.

Like she gets into a car accident, and ends up passing away. And the un-known under the house is the after life, and she doesn't know what's in store for her when she reaches that place.

The only thing I would like to see is capitalization. Even poetry has sentences and no matter what after a sentence you capitalize. And "I" should always be capitalized.

Your punctuation is good, you used commas and periods and you gave hints on how it should be read, making it easier for the read to understand the piece.

Other than that, I really didn't see anything wrong with this piece at all. Now, if the meaning I got out of this was just total rubbish, and incorrect I would like to know. I would love to know the actual meaning because I don't want to be miss-interpreting this.

This piece was very nice, and I enjoyed it! I hope what I said about capitalization helped since that was the only thing I could actually see wrong with this.

Thank you!
-Laura(:

Hey Hannah!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening. I apologize if it's not very helpful. I tend not to review poetry, but as the people vote, the host does.

Okay, so...

I admit. This confused me a bit. But, then, poetry tends to have that effect on me, so I'm not particularly surprised by that. I think I understood the general gist of the poem, and really enjoyed the imagery you used.

a speeding ticket right into the body of a deer,