Elizabeth 1 was very lucky. She had found all of her clones – at least the ones she had been able to round up, but she was fairly confident that was all of them – and had taught herself to make scented soap. The six of them were building a business out of their three-room apartment, and the old women just down the street from the Elizabeths appreciated that the soap scents didn't overpower the smell of the cut grass Wednesday mornings.
It seemed they had accidentally happened upon a niche by not ordering enough essential oil and making the batch of soap anyway.
Elizabeth 1 still had her day job to attend to. None of the others could get a legitimate job, but Elizabeth 1 would trudge off to City Grill each morning. After a while, she had invested in a monthly bus pass so she could take the express buses and get back home more quickly. She rubbed soap on her skin to get the stink of grease out, rinsed herself off, then stuck her hands back into soap business as soon as she got to the living room.
Elizabeth 1 tried to remember what the main room had looked like before she had found them. She’d had two fewer sofas. She used to have a large desk up against one wall. There, she would half-heartedly study languages of the countries she wanted to go to and make water-rings beneath cups of lemonade. But when Elizabeth 2 asked for a couch instead, so casually she didn't take her eyes off the television or bother to swallow her mouthful of pizza first, Elizabeth 1 couldn’t think of a reason not to do a little rearranging.
Then came the cots, stacked up against the wall and covered with the blanket Elizabeth 2 had had since “birth” when the girls were busy during the day. Elizabeth 1 always meant to buy a new sheet to cover the cots, but just bought a new blanket for Elizabeth 2 instead.
And everyone helped carry the last couch up the three flights of stairs from the alleyway to the apartment. Soon afterward they found and rescued Elizabeth 6 to fill it.
***
It was hard for Elizabeth 1 to fault any of her roommates. It had really been Elizabeth 3 who had ordered the wrong amount of essential oil for their first batch. They weren't the kind of people to embark on an important business venture without actually knowing how much essential oil they would need. But then Elizabeth 2 started thinking to herself that when the recipe said "trace amounts" of fragrance, she'd have bought the sample size as well. And later that evening, it smelled like lavender and didn't really matter.
And so after that they let mistakes go. They were easier to carry divided in six.
***
Elizabeth 3 didn't really know what to say. She sat on the bed and picked flakes of soap from under her fingernails and thought about the proposition: Elizabeth 1 would sleep on the cot and Elizabeth 3 would have a room full of someone else's things around her while she slept, but a door to close between her and the breath of the other girls.
"You can bring your pillow in, too, if you want," said Elizabeth 1.
Elizabeth 1 felt sick to her stomach. She had felt this way since she asked Elizabeth 3 into her bedroom and had started speaking. The picture of Icarus was just over Elizabeth 3's shoulder, and Elizabeth 1 kept thinking of the look in her old cat's eyes as she told him to go to sleep. The vets wouldn't let her see the tumor later, even though she asked. To the others, it was just a picture of a cat.
"It would be weird if it were just me," said Elizabeth 3.
"Oh, I know. I'm just asking you first if you think it would be an okay idea, and then we can rotate or make a schedule or something."
"How do we even do that? Do we go in order of number?"
***
"You know, I'm not saying your situation was a good one, but you're lucky," she said. The lady behind the front desk had the shadow of a cream stain on the front of her sweater. The wrinkles around her lips made wakes behind her dialogue; she shifted her mouth like she was chewing her tongue between words.
"I would get cloned now, for my grandchildren, but it wouldn’t be fair to them, would it? They'd come into the world already old and live like mayflies. They'd live a little and die over and over again. It'd make everyone tired and sad, not just me."
"Yeah," said Elizabeth 1, "but you wouldn't have to worry about your clones being used."
The woman nodded shallowly, chewed her tongue for a long moment, and then said,
"You'd be surprised.”
Elizabeth kept her eyes open in the alleyway for the nursing home receptionist's second version. She shivered when she saw varicose veins. She couldn't be in the house when they made orange soap for months.
***
When Elizabeth 4's sometime-boyfriend asked if she'd be mad if he slept with one of her roommates, she slapped him and locked herself in the bathroom. She sat on the lid of the toilet for twenty minutes and blocked out his voice while she read the book of poetry Elizabeth 5 kept on the tank. Exactly twenty minutes, just like Elizabeth 5 had told her to.
"You have to pretend like you care to get back into a real relationship. If they think you don't care, even if you really don't, they'll just treat you like a thing," she had said.
"I didn't mean it. It's just something you think about, you know?"
"I mean, I think about skydiving, but I'll probably never do it."
"I was just wondering."
"I was just asking."
Later: "We're just not all the same."
"I know."
Elizabeth 4 kept her fingers crossed while she fell asleep with him in Elizabeth 1's bed.
***
Elizabeth 2's laptop was the only one with a password, but Elizabeth 6 had seen her type it in once. One night, when Elizabeth 2 and 3 had gone out to get bagels for breakfast, Elizabeth 5 and 6 slipped into a corner and opened it to find Elizabeth 2 was searching for ways to get a debit card, and she'd even gone so far as to put in Elizabeth 1's name and address on an application form before closing the computer.
Elizabeth 5 used a baby wipe to erase their smudgy fingerprints from the keyboard. Elizabeth 6 asked Elizabeth 2 to go out for coffee with her some time.
***
"I love sheer blouses," she said.
"I do, too," she said.
"Are you sure?" she said, "Or do you just think you do?"
"I do," she said.
"You can't borrow mine," she said.
"I know," she said. And she wore it when she was out.
***
When Elizabeth 4 left the apartment, the only thing she took with her was a box of soap. The other girls felt very strange putting signs with their own faces up on the neighborhood's telephone poles, and after a while they thought,
"She's a real grown woman. She can deal with herself."
And they put a cot in the back of the entryway closet and bought the right amount of essential oils. They knew it was Elizabeth 4’s fault they made weak-smelling soap, but stuck to the recipe so they could still get the fragrance of the fresh cut grass Wednesday mornings.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
This was almost like a Philip K. Dick novel! I loved it!
A month in the life of a clone family. It's interesting to think about but I feel like this doesn't really focus on something in particular. It's snapshots tied together of interesting things that might happen to people who have clones, not a real climax, plot story. Also, all of the snippets were so short that it was hard to get into completely. I felt like I just kept jumping from day to day instead of really experiencing everything that would happen. I'd almost like to see this as a journal of when each one was found, and how Elizabeth 1's life changed with the addition of each one instead of the aftermath with the soap company, although it's really cute that she taught them all to make soap, I'm curious about the individual personalities of the girls instead. With this, I'm not even sure I know Elizabeth 1, when I really should. I can see that they each have their quirks, but I want to know more about them.
Reading this really made me want confetti cake. Each one can be exactly the same, but because it's confetti cake, they all have different speckle patterns. They all are unique in their own way because of their experiences. Now I want to study them each so I can tell them apart and learn the dynamic of the situation.
Hannah!
I adore such sci-fi! Some people label it soft, and maintain the space/war/alien to be dominant of sci-fi, but these are the kinds I love best!
Anyway.
I loved this (albeit a bit in bits. IN the sense - I loved the beginning, was a little confused in a narrow middle, loved the end as well)
Love your take on clones. Very refreshing, and I'd love it if you do come back to this piece and work on it//expand this world.
And yeah, I am wondering if soap and cut grass are metaphors for something?
As for a review, I had a few points chalked out in my head; and it's been covered here, so I'll just leave you with what I felt while reading through the story.
-you started with a hint of maybe there are more Elizabeth clones. I thought you'd perhaps hint at that topic later in the text.
-I too got the sense that the story had some maternal feelings, and I liked the way you started to hint at it in the beginning with the search and the blanket. I really liked the minimalistic, sort of, approach here.
- "They were easier to carry divided in six" Do you use this line to signify the resultant confusion in the sentences further below? I got quite confused like Skinsy.
And, I am really interested in if you have more details about this world in your head. I'd love to hear them!
Thanks fore a great read, Hannah!
Much loves!
You took a very different approach in dealing with clones. Most sci-fi clone stories concern the exploitation of clones -- sometimes for labor, sometimes for body parts. Here, you do that a bit, but I think you wisely avoid the issue. It'd turn the story into one about ideology rather than characterization. Instead, I found this story to be about a mother hen searching for her children and bringing them all other one roof. Except, of course, the children here are her clones.
With the focus on soap and the issue surrounding clones, I'm guessing that you mean for it to represent something else. Elizabeth 2 seems to represent laziness, Elizabeth 3 clumsiness / forgetfulness, Elizabeth 4 the need to be loved, Elizabeth 5 advice and common sense, and Elizabeth 6 may represent cleverness. I'm not totally sure if that's what you were going for, but it seems like. Meanwhile, soap may be a metaphor for Elizabeth 1 wanting to cleanse a part of her past.
In any case, I wish you would go into the soap making some more since you keep referring back to it. For an example of this, check out Fight Club -- you can get very intricate in describing how its done, their reasons for doing so, and their process for selling it. Plus, Fight Club consistently uses soap as a metaphor too (in that case, it was an extended metaphor for the evils of capitalism).
Also, you take great pains to differentiate the Elizabeths, but you go back and forth on this. Elizabeth 2 and Elizabeth 4 stand out as the most different, but in the second to last vignette, the conversation between Elizabeth 2 and Elizabeth 6 (I think?) is too undefined. If you were stressing the similarity of the clones the entire time, that'd be one thing. But instead, you've been discussing how they're different, and then you switch back at the end.
I'm also not sure if you meant to say Elizabeth 4 at the very end -- wasn't it Elizabeth 3 who messed up the order? The reference to cut grass also seemed odd; it was more or less a throwaway line at the very beginning, but you're referencing it again gives it added importance. If it is important, then use that throughout the piece.
Overall, I like the approach you took with clones; it's fresh and different. The stark imagery is good, as is the way you deal with the separate clones. If you return to this, expand more upon it. Make us care about Elizabeth 4 and her leaving the nest.
Hey, Girl on Fire! Iggy here as requested.
Just a warning, I can't be of any help with the genre itself, because I haven't a clue about what's right and what's wrong in Sci-Fi.
So, I generally avoid Science Fiction as a whole, but just for you, I read through this willingly.
I went ahead and skimmed the reviews below, and I agree with a lot of the things Skins and Penguin said. Especially the personality, you suggest that they are starting to branch out and define themselves as a different person, like Elizabeth 4 and her boyfriend, but the other clones seem blah and somewhat monotone.
Another thing is the apparent society they live in, and the mistreat of clones. It seems that anyone can get a clone at anytime, right? And all that's every really done is using them for labor. I felt that that was kind of weak, that you could have explained it more, given some more background history. "Every since x happened, the only use for clones was for labor.." or something along those lines.
Overall, it was fabulous, Hannah! You are an amazing writer, with no grammar errors and a steady flow, as always. Great job!
~ Iggy.
Haha, says the girl now writing sci-fi stories.
My love,
So you already know I like this because I liked it while you were writing it. And I have to say that now, reading it after some time, I'm just as impressed by this sudden science fiction story which is actually very removed from your usual style. It has all the same elements of a piece of your writing, the stark honesty wrapped in 'events', but doesn't have that simply rich imagery which usually saturates your writing. This is a good thing, as that rich saturation wouldn't work for this story, wouldn't work for almost all sci-fi stories because we're meant to believe in the science of these worlds, so stark and frank is the way to go for that.
I have only two nitpicks on the whole:
In the first paragraph after the first set of stars you say; "It had really been Elizabeth 3 who had ordered the wrong amount of essential oil for their first batch." However, you end with "They knew it was Elizabeth 4’s fault they made weak-smelling soap," Is that a typo or are you doing a very clever thing about sharing out the blame and also about blaming people who aren't around?
This also followed: "But then Elizabeth 2 started thinking to herself that when the recipe said "trace amounts" of fragrance, she'd have bought the sample size as well." We were initially reading about Elizabeth 1 not being able to fault her roommates, is this an extension on that or is this a mistaken number?
I feel really sorry for Elizabeth 4 for some reason. There's just this weird thing about how she wants to be real pretty badly and it's not happening and so she has to leave? I'm not sure but it makes me sad. I feel for the other characters in a different way, probably because I don't feel that same sadness because they haven't left yet. I do feel like they will all leave after a time, except maybe Elizabeth 5 because we don't get much of her.
I disagree with what your other reviewers are saying about meeting the central concept of the story. The central concept of this isn't the idea of clones being used - the idea of this is collecting all the parts of oneself and keeping them close. This isn't a story about the exploitation of clones and I think that if it were made into that, it would change the hazy light of this kind of narrative. It's a one shot into part of the life of this woman and her clones, and how they learn to live together and learn about the kinds of freedom they can have, the kind of freedom they want. It has the right kind of nostalgia sadness to the end that we need, as readers, to connect and feel sad. Not all stories need some great political concept and necessity, and I think your story doesn't need all that guff. It just needs people, existing, and you do that beautifully.
Thank you for writing this, I love it.
- ♥
I love your review, Pingu. Thanks for the strength. <3
Righteo, as you're just a generally epic person who writes bucket loads of epic reviews whose also reviewed one of my pieces epically, I shall try and return the favour!
I won't bother with nit-picks because they're pretty time consuming, and I know you're capable of finding any yourself, so imma get straight to it and hit you (not literally) with my overall opinion. I'm slightly afraid because I don't know if I'll manage to find much to critique, but hey ho, I'm going to try my best for you.
Okay so before I get into any critiques, I just want to say that I think this story is so cool. It's one of the weirdest things I've ever read, probably partly due to me generally avoiding Science Fiction as a genre, but that's probably why I like it so much. I like weird stuff. Weird stuff is fun. With regards to grammar and punctuation and all that jazz, you're pretty much flawless, so go you! I felt that the story flowed nicely, if a bit choppy at times, but it was overall a smooth read. You certainly have an original idea and concept here, and if there's one thing I love then it's originality. So basically, the general consensus is that this is pretty awesome.
Now then, onto critiques! I've skim read your previous reviews and I have to admit that I'm not sure if I really have anything new to say. Nonetheless, I shall battle onward and find something.
Right then, there is something I don't think anyone's mentioned that I'd like to point out, and it's related to good ol' characterisation. I kind of feel that personality and character is a very important aspect of this piece because it's all about clones becoming individuals and all that, right? The problem I'm having is that while I can see you differentiating the clones' characters, they do have a tendency to merge into one person at times. For example, I couldn't explain how Elizabeth 4's personality is different to Elizabeth 2's personality, and so I think there is definitely room for you to emphasise each personality some more. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Elizabeth 4 to become a raging lesbian who likes eating bark while Elizabeth two is a heavy metal lover who collects roadkill because that would just be unrealisitc. And creepy. Really creepy. I just think you should consider emphasising the differences between each clone some more.
Something else I want to mention is kind of me related really, and could 100% be down to my own stupidity and attention spam of a disfigured goldfish. Basically, every now and then, I found myself a bit confused at what was happening. As a result, I did reread some paragraphs and what not to try and grasp a better idea of what was going on. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that because I doubt your readers mind double checking things they've just read, but it did get a little distracting at times. Like I said, this could be an entirely personal issue related to me rather than the story itself, but chances are that there are more disfigured goldfish attention spams out there, so you do need to think of them as well.
Let me find an example of where I got kind of confused.... Hmmm... okay, let's take the scene where Elizabeth 1 is speaking to that receptionist. At first, I thought she may have been requesting more clones or something, but then you mentioned a nursing home. That left me feeling kind of confused, and I'm going to dropkick my pride to one side and admit that I'm still unsure of what that scene is actually about, where Elizabeth 1 is, who the receptionist actually is e.t.c. As I've mentioned plenty of times by now, in your defence, I am very easily confuseable. Nonetheless, I think it is maybe something for you to think about because you want to be able to please as many people as possible with this, I'm sure.
One last thing I want to bring up is something BadNarrator actually brought up, and that's the whole idea of clones being mistreated and used. Like BadNarrator stated, you mention it quite often and you hint at it, but there's never really an explanation of how some clones are used. Heck, for all I know, it may be very literal and they might be, like, strapped to poles and used as dusters and stuff like that. But then they could be used as sex slaves. I've no idea really, although admittedly I doubt it's the former. I don't want a massive explanation of what you mean by 'used' exactly, but I want more of an insight so that I can empathise more with the clones, and see how horrible them being used really is.
And I think that's it! Critiques and suggestions aside, I really do like this. It's so unique and weird with an underlying darkness to it, and I love that about this story. Tweak a few things here and there, and it'll be as epic as you are, my dear old chum! I hope I've somewhat helped, and if you have any comments or questions regarding this review, drop me a PM, post on my wall, or reply to this review and I'll respond as soon as I can.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thanks a lot, Skins!
as with all stories there are things in here that I liked and things I didn’t care for very much. I like that you took a somewhat tired science fiction premise and made it fresh. the soap company is great. and I love that Elizabeth is letting her clones stay with her. the bit about the unfaithful boyfriend was a good idea, but I personally think you could have pulled it off a little better. I think the thing I liked the most about this story though was the fact that each one of Elizabeth’s clones had her own unique personality quirks. it speaks to how much a person’s experiences shape who they are.
now, for some of the weaker aspects of this story. first of all the dialogue needs a major overhaul. I felt it was interesting in some places, like the conversation between Elizabeth 1 and the old lady (although I was a little confused as to who that woman was). but pretty much everywhere else I felt that the dialogue was either bland or confusing. case in point the talking-head after Elizabeth 4’s breakup scene. I had no idea who was talking in that string of dialogue.
also, the ending just didn’t cut it for me. trust me, nobody knows more than I do what a pain in the ass ending a short story can be, but you can’t walk away from a story you care about until the ending fits it. I always like to think that the endings of my stories address the central conflict in some way. for this story the central conflict seems to be the issue of people’s clones getting “used” as Elizabeth put it. there is something very dark and unsettling about the idea of using people’s clones in ways the “original” wouldn’t approve of. as a reader it makes me wonder how exactly those clones were being used as well as who it was that made them. you hint at it in some areas but you never address it head on, which is a mistake many author’s make. your conflict is the driving force of the story, you need to address it all the time, every time, from the first capitalization to the final punctuation mark.
I sincerely hope you do that in revision, because I honestly think you have what could potentially be an amazing story on your hands. good luck.
p.s.
consider changing the title. “Exchange” to me was kinda…blah. you know? I was thinking something like “Elizabeth 6” or something along those lines. something more old school science-fictiony.
This is a great and really helpful review. Thank you for mentioning what interested you and what put you off!
This was an interesting read. I was interested by the fact that it dealt with clones and I liked how you gave them all the same name, but put numbers to identify witch ones came first. I lied how each of the girls were different in their personality's, but they were always trying to figure out who they were because they all looked alike. The only thing I have a complaint about is the way it flowed, it was a bit choppy and at times it could be hard to follow. For instance, when they are discussing the sleeping arrangements there was this line, "Elizabeth 1 felt sick to her stomach. She had felt this way since she asked Elizabeth 3 into her bedroom and had started speaking." it is just a bit jumbled, I think it would flow much better if you had it phrased like this instead, "Elizabeth 1 felt sick to her stomach, she had felt this way ever since she and Elizabeth 3 had started to talk about sharing the room." Small changes like that would help the flow a lot. Try reading the story out loud to yourself or others and you will catch a lot of tiny mistakes that you wouldn't have caught before. Another trick I find particularly helpful is reading the story backwards. if you read it backwards, the flow is interrupted, so you can tell if a word or phrase doesn't fit. Sometimes you will catch things reading the story backwards that you didn't catch reading aloud before because, its your story, you automatically fix the mistakes sometimes. It is always interesting to see how different people perceive living with clones, and your story was no different. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for pointing out some tangled sentences. I'll have to try reading it backward!