Hallways make echos long and thin
like they haven't eaten or been drunken in days.
You are beneath the arch
of the prism's tail
and you shout to me
what you've always needed to say.
Off the walls: euphony.
I am tugged by the undertow
as the glass breaks.
Voluminously.
Expectedly.
Shards and shredded echos.
And a gush of silence.
(Afterward, you are nowhere to be seen.
Afterward, I walk across rainbows
as the sun rises at last.)
You're looking for a more detailed word than "echos" in the first line. Echos of what? Who or what is making the noise? What is the noise? And why the general; "hallways". Which hallway?
The second line doesn't do anything for me, it adds no new information or imagery. We know long and thin, these words don't need further description.
Taken together, I love the way you've given shape to sound, but the sense of place is missing in these opening two lines. There's a lot of clothing qualifying one solid image. Replace the fluff with real details; Where? Who? What?
First line provides a better sense of place, but it's not followed up. Where is this arch? What is it made of? You don't need to answer every single question I post (this is poetry, not prose, after all), but you need to give us more to hold onto than you're doing so right now.
What's a prism's tail?
Last line; I'm of course curious about what "you need to say" is. But it strikes me that this is left out deliberately, to be alluded to or revealed later. That's fine, this line seems to be the subject of the poem.
Euphony is a great word, so you can't go wrong here. But em dashes are so much better than colons!
What undertow? What glass?
I'm lost by the first and second line.
Here you've brought together your water-related word choice (undertow, gush) and your sound-related word choice. I like this line, but I'm at a loss for how we came here. Still, I like this line, it's a fine play with the language.
Rainbows is a word that you need to use with great caution. It has all kinds of silly connotations. Walking across rainbows is too much for me. It's not subtle, it's not particularly creative, and yet it doesn't tell me much without specificity. It seems to imply general happiness, which is reinforced by the sun rising, which is almost always a positive image.
***
So I've realized that a lot of my confusion from this poem stems from the word "euphony". Euphony is a pleasant or pleasing sound, yet the rest of the poem seems to allude to a break-up or a parting of some kind. The poem's "you" says what they need to say, the "I" feels a disorienting, sweeping sensation, is buffeted by 'shards and shredded echos', and then the "you" is gone, and the "I" is happier because of it. The poem's title seems to further this loose interpretation. Then how to reconcile the hearing of "euphony" and the poem's positive ending with the title and the wrenching mid-section?
That's what's puzzling me.
Consider:
- More sense of place and more specific words, actions, and detail.
- Removing the parenthesis at the end, which really don't add much.
Your writing isn't one dimensional at all. I find it very easy to go to make my own mental picture of your writing. But you want to make sure it isn't too decorated. You have a very nice flow, I liked "Off the walls: euphony." Don't know what it is, but I found that line very lovely.
Hi there, Hannah!
As always, your imagery is lovely.
"been drunken" I think that "been drunk" would scan better.
This is pretty, but it's a little too abstract, perhaps? Light from a prism generally goes in a straight line unless it reflects or refracts, but here you have an arch. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that it's a little contradictory.
I would omit the period at the end of this line. If you do that, there's a possibility for the sentence to continue to the next line. Or not. The reader can get more meaning out of it, I think, if there isn't a period there.
This is my favorite line. It's beautiful. I could say it over and over to myself as a lullaby, the soft syllables lulling me to sleep.
I wouldn't repeat "Afterward." It's too close to the first one. If it was farther away, it'd be fine, but here it's snuggled right up against the other one.
I love how the poem ends. It's hopeful after you were trapped in the prism hallway.
Beautiful. I really enjoyed reading this. I hope that this review was helpful to you.
Happy poeting!
Hi Hannah!
I'd spell it echoes, but maybe it's a matter of choice? Also, I appreciate that it's "been drunken" instead of "drunk" for variety, but flow-wise I'm not sure if it's the best solution. I understand it'd be difficult to use other words if you want to go especially for the image of drunkenness, but it's not quite as punchy as mere "drunk/drunken" would be. Also, at the moment, the alliteration of drunken and days isn't as powerful as it could be without the "been".
I like this. It's somehow minimalistic.
I like that this part is choppy to depict the suddenness of the glass breaking, but I'm wondering whether it could be described in any other methods. The short words or phrases are the obvious solution for that, but I'm sure you could come up with something else! "Shredded echos" is lovely by the way.
(First time using "save as draft" since had to have dinner at this point!)
I'm not sure if the repetition of "afterward" is really all that necessary. But then again, it does make these events obviously separate and independent of each other. Something in me wants to cut something from these lines as a whole, and I think that something is the "at last". I'm not quite sure what "across rainbows" means here - all I can think of is spilled oil on the pavement, but I'm not sure if it can be that literal.
Anyway, here was a little something! Hopefully you found some of it helpful
Demeter
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