Young Writers Society

I love this, especially the last two lines. I think the second stanza was a lot stronger than the first and the first one can be developed a bit more. I can really feel the emotions being expressed in the second stanza and I love the "red current-shadows" part, so beautiful. overall, lovely.

I think you had something that you were focusing on in the first stanza which was lost before you got to the end. It almost seems like you had a story to begin with, but after the quote, I cannot tell what it is. I really don't understand the sentence "I hit you/and fly off again" which ends the stanza. What hits someone and who is this someone that they hit? Is it this ambiguous 'you'? Is this a poem written to a lover, a friend, a family member? Why is the title Circumvent?

After that we get to the second stanza and it feels even more chopped up. there is an electric fence which joins with a river. Electricity and a river. The idea doesn't quite go together and it is strange that the poem doesn't cover the effects of 'you' hitting 'me' or the opposite for that matter. What is this hitting involved in?

Overall, I think you should try again with a clear idea. Go through this poem and see if you can decide what your main point was that you wanted to make, then write the single image that you want to use. Take the reader through the story of what is going on and deeply delve into the details of the poem. I think you've got a good idea here, that relationships are not always reciprocated even though you think they are, and I want to see more of the idea in the metaphors. I need to be able to see the metaphors better though, to understand how they fit in.

I am not sure if this is a riddle or a poem but it is great.

Hi Hannah!
I have to say, I'm not a great poetry expert, but I thought I'd have a little look.
I think the poem contains some lovely singular metaphors, such as the electric fence, but there seems to be no clear theme that links any of it together. I love the first line and it really drew me in but I found the rest of the verse just too confusing - such as the outline of the heartbeat - I know this is metaphorical but it doesn't really seem to match any of the other things you've been describing. I do love the word 'tangential' though, I might have to steal it at some point .
I really liked the second verse though. I feel that if you changed the first verse to fit in slightly more with the electrical and energy themes it could be a really original and lovely piece.