Blood drips from her broken neck
And spreads across the floor
My mind is bleeding memories
And her mind is no more
*
Who am I to be alive
While death devours her soul
I feel my heartbeat slowly slowing
I feel my teardrops turn to coal
*
My fingers reach around my waist
And slide my belt away
I fasten it around my neck
And I whimper with dismay
*
I stand upon the window sill
And hook my strangled neck
I take a final leap of faith
My body snaps; My soul's a wreck
*
I thought that I would join her
But I guess she never died
She woke up as my body fell
I wonder if she cried
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
IHey there! Scarlet here for review!
I know this is horrible but I love stuff like this. Tragic and emotional stories that tell of death or a sad story, something like that.
However I found a few mistakes
-There is absolutely no punctuation at all. Punctuation is important even in poems, I suggest adding some.
I think this would sound better as...
Here are two examples of a mistake. You should never capitalized A in and also you never start a sentence with and either.
-Unless your starting a new sentence, It's the letter i, or a person's name, a place, or something along that line, you shouldn't capitalize the letter.
Other than that this is a beautiful tragic poem that tells a story. The wording is captivating so Is the story given by the poem itself. I give you 7 1/2/ 10 for this dark and beautiful poem.
Keep writing!
With love, Scarlet; Scout of the Sycamore Cabin
I wouldn't consider the "And"s to be a mistake
I always capitalize the first letter of each stanza, its simply a matter of preference.
I don't wouldn't use the word dribble, it sounds rather silly
Another story told and another great poem from his truly. Whenever you rhyme in your poetry, it sounds natural. The ending completely reminds me of Romeo and Juliet when Juliet uses the sleeping potion to fake her death in order to avoid marrying Count Paris, and when Romeo thinks that she's actually dead, he poisons himself, and when he's dying, Juliet wakes up, and it all goes to Hell from there. My heart breaks to see that again even though Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite Shakespeare plays.
There's one error I spotted, which you can fix easily. You have the window sill misspelling. It's "windowsill."
Otherwise, another fabulous job from Hadj <3
Yours truly,
CCWritingRainbow
This is a very well written poem, with a clear and understandable story. At first I felt sorry for 'her' whoever she is. Than for the narrator, pain coursing through her soul, the regret. I could feel the despair as they step on the window sill. Then I felt the renewed pain as the girl woke up. Only to find her friend (Or lover?) Dying.
It would have made me cry if I was the crying type.
Nice, sad story. It flows well and the story is easy to understand.
I'd suggest adding some punctuation. Besides that, wonderful.
9.2/10
This was a very well-written poem. It is a sad story, but it was also very pleasant. The speaker must have really loved "her" if they decided to die to be with them. I wonder if she would do the same.
There are some things I don't like about this piece... Nitpicks incoming! First, in the third stanza, first line, waste should be waist. Simple mistake. Second, which I probably have no room to correct you, is your punctuation. You lack it almost completely, and it makes me wonder if that was purposeful or accidental.
What I liked about this piece was the rhyming. The rhymes made the poem feel like lyrics of a song were being read aloud. Basically, it had a beat to it. I liked how in the second stanza you said "slowly slowing". That repetition just made me feel as if something clicked into place. It's hard to explain... Even if I can't explain it, I enjoyed the piece. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review, and again, welcome to YWS!
I'm glad you liked "slowly slowing", everyone else complained
And yes, the lack of punctuation was on purpose.
I'm just on my way to fix waste to waist!
Hey Hadj! Thewriter13 here for a review
Why does this remind me of Romeo and Juliet? In some sense, it's like the tragedy, as the speaker is like Romeo, who thinks his lover is dead. In the end, she wasn't, but then she too died. Just a theory
Anyway, onto nitpicks, few they be:
So this repetition slightly bothered me. It didn't roll off my tongue the way I though it would. "slowly slowing..." I would switch slowing out with "slowly dying" or "slowing down".
It's just I, somehow, said "slowly slowly" by accident and I just felt you should switch out slowing with something else. Just a suggestion.
Hmm, is there a reason why you capitalized 'my' the second time? It stood out to me, and it doesn't make sense as to why you capitalized it. Also the semicolon doesn't 100% need to be there. You could switch it out with "and" for a longer syllable to keep the poem consistent. Nowhere else in your poem is there a semicolon. But that doesn't really matter. You don't have to take out the semicolon if you truly want it to be there.
Praise
Sheesh, your rhyming is amazing! You do it with such ease, you could probably right a rhyming poem in your sleep. (But it might not be as easy as you make it. How long does it take for you to write a poem like this?
I'm not a sucker for suicides, but I like the R&J feeling here. Even if that wasn't the vibe you were going for, I still thought of that Tragedy anyway. Great work, Hadj!
I would just go back through this and look at what I mentioned. I notice also that you use no punctuation, and then you throw in that semicolon. You broke the consistency, you rebel
Well, I'm off. Great job and keep writing poems like this one!
9/10
Keep writing
"How long does it take for you to write a poem like this?" This one took me 11 minutes
"Also the semicolon doesn't 100% need to be there. You could switch it out with "and" for a longer syllable to keep the poem consistent." I thought it flowed nicer without the "and" syllable, but thanks for the suggestion!
"Romeo and Juliet" oh you mean that story about a 20 year old boy who falls in love with a 12 year old girl in one day and then kills himself with no thought after about 10 minutes of her pretend death?
11 minutes?? *is jealous* Man I wish I could come up with rhymes in that amount of time *sigh*
It's just the part about the speaker dying for their lover that made me think of R&J...but nothing else.
Anyway, yes, that story XD
I'm Avalon and I'll be your reviewer for this piece.
Now I can't really say as to what inspired this piece it's very sad and heartbreaking. Now I don't know much about poetry but there are a few small nitpicks that need to be done away with. First off is a wrong word that needs to be changed.
I get what you are saying here but the correct word is waist, and not waste. But next is repetitive wording, don't worry it's just one!
Slowly slowing, it repetitive so just say "slows" and you're done!
This has been Avalon and this has been your review.