I'll Show Him
I'm sick of it.
He thinks he's so great,
HA! I'll show him.
I'm hiding in the thicket
I only have to wait,
Here he comes around the corner, I'll show him.
My fingers close around the trigger
The gun is in my hand.
He'll be sorry, I'll show him.
He thinks he's so much bigger,
He thinks he's so damn grand.
This is it, I'll show him.
The gun goes off
My skull collapses
A million years of time elapses
Theres nothing left but darkness.
I showed him.
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139,794 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
OMIGOD. BEST POETRY PLOT TWIST EVER.
Jesus, Hadj, this is why I followed you. You are an AMAZING writer. *Takes deep breath. Is ready to actually review now.*
So this didn't exactly have a flow, but it did have a pattern (a different variation of "I'll show him" at the end of each line), for sure. The rhyming was also not consistent; it's a bit as if you realized a couple words did rhyme, and you were like, "Oh, they rhyme! Let's just keep that in there because poems rhyme sometimes, right?" even though it wasn't consistent. However, an absence of consistency does not mean your poem didn't sound good either way.
(Hang on, can I just point out for a moment that on my Related Items, this is just above No More Death? Sorry, I find that hilariously ironic. ANYWAY....)
The ending, as I have previously expressed, was an epic plot twist. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the narrator to shoot the man she hated, and then BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ............................................................Iaminshock.
My only nitpick is:
Theres nothing left but darkness.
I showed him.
There should be an apostrophe in the "theres." It should be: there's.
Anyway, I loved this!!! Very dark, but so excellently written that I honestly don't care. The darkness/morbid humor was really what made it so great, to be honest. And the plot twist. Have I mentioned the plot twist that I simply can't get over? Have I?
Overall rating: 9/10
Keep writing!!!!!
+1
Everyone thinks its a she
But whatever
Also the rhyme scheme is pretty consistant:
AAB, AAB, CCB, CCB, DDE, FB
(just that the last two stanzas don't follow the flow as the first part)
Also, about the no more death, its even more ironic because "No More Death" is a poem about death
Aaah, I see, so there is a bit of rhyme scheme, it's just varies for different stanzas. Haha lolz do you have any "happy" poems? XD
Yes
The Scientist
Lighter Than My Soul (sort of)
Stones (sort of)
I just love this poem. Oh, forgot to sign in.
Hi, Zhia here to review your poem!
Anyway... Back to the review. I just love this poem, it's so dark.... And it surprised me. At the very end. It surprised me that she killed herself instead of killing him... Let's get organized, shall we?
Ok, I loved the description, you could really feel his/her emotions in this piece. I am going to pick out the key phrases that I liked, mm-kay?
*contemplates* ok! I couldn't do it. It's all just too good. And this is about revenge, or making someone feel bad, right?
I am so sorry about the messy review.
Thanks for an excellent read!
Signing off,
Zhia
I can feel the power from the get go in this poem. I'm only hoping that this poem is about paintball or something because we wouldn't want real guns involved in this, right? As the poem goes on, I can tell it's kinda more in the anger part than determination even though I can still feel it. Still, if it's a different message, please tell me. I don't want to be wrong even though it might be funny. It'll be kinda embarrassing, too though XD
Anyway, another great poem by you
Haha thanks, this was my first one on YWS
And I think it's the best one thus far.
Hey there! Great poem. It was dark yet funny. I like how you made the girl seem angry, fed up with this jerk guy. I feel girls can relate. The guy must have been cocky. They girl took a stand and had enough. I like the part "HA! I'll show him. It made me giggle. I was able to relate really well to this poem. Nice job young writer!(:
I'm glad you like it. It wasn't necessarily meant to be a girl, but its fine that you saw it that way. I wanted this to be very open to different possibilities
Deadman here with a review for you today. Bare with me, my shift key is broken so prepare for mistakes on my part. I'd like to say welcome to YWS, and that this poem is great. A very surprising end too. The poem is interesting, considering everyone in the world wants to be better than the next guy. However in this poem, it started to sound like the protagonist was a bit insane. Perhaps a little obsessed even when trying to be better than the other guy. Your formatting is great. Your concept is great. You got your point across, that's great. However, you forgot to describe it to us, make me see this happening. Make me feel it! Make me feel the desire to show him, make me see the pain it's causing the main character. I will admit I was surprised that he/she shot themselves at the end. I'll be honest I didn't see that coming.
I don't see anything else wrong. Try to work on painting the picture to us. I hope to see more works from you, and I hope you're enjoying your time on YWS. If you have any questions feel free to PM. Until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
Thanks for the feedback, its hard to add a lot of detail, and still keep it short, but I'll try : )
Huh. Fascinating. And good I might say. I like the rhyme scheme introduced towards the end, but I also think that you need to spread it out over the rest of it. The twist is excellent too, and completely unexpected. Keep doing things like that, and wow. Oh wait, I noticed the rest of the rhyme scheme. It should be noticed that rhyme is most effective in closer proximity, ie. ABAB or AABB rather than ABCADE. Make sense? Anyway, great job, keep up the good work, and fare thee well my good compatriot!
~Scoeri
Thanks for the review. Just one thing.
The rhyme scheme was (supposed to be) ABCABC not ABCADE, although I'm not sure if him rhymes with him.
Hello there, friend!
Happy Olympic week.
RachelLeeAnn here to review!
Though rather dark, I really liked this piece. The ending was different than I expected!
Just a few errors on the technical side of things...any corrections I've made are in red.
Also, for some reason in the 2nd to last stanza you decided to make it rhyme. Since it's the only stanza that rhymed, it was a little distracting.
Now that the grammar mess is out of the way, I want to review the content!
For the most part, I liked this whole piece. I expected our main character to kill this villain, so when he/she killed himself, it took me by surprise. However, it did leave me with a couple of questions:
Who exactly is "he?" A bully? A family member? A friend?
What exactly are you "showing" to this person by killing yourself? That you don't need him?
Otherwise, great job! I can feel the emotion you've put into writing this.
Keep writing!
-Rae^^
I decided to keep who "he" is and the narrarator's purpose a mystery. That way it could be anything, and anyone could relate. Also, there was a rhyme scheme in the rest, just a little bit different, and maybe not as obvious. It was ABC ABC DEC DEC FGG HC. Maybe in the future I'll try to make the rhyme scheme more obvious. Thank you for your feedback!
Ah, I see! That's perfectly fine.
And ohh, I see it now that you've mentioned it! My mistake.