CHAPTER 2
I listen for movement in the undergrowth, my ears pricked forward and my body
thence. A large forest pigeon pecks at the ground, trying to find food before the cold season comes. My tail twitches ever so slightly because I just can't hold it still any longer. The wood pigeon's head darts upwards and it looks around, taking a few steps away from where I lay in hiding. Now it knows that something is awaiting its death. Wanting for it to die so that they can sink their teeth into into its juicy body. And that someone, is me.
I draw my paws in closer to my body, silently moving across the ground. The wood pigeon is getting panicky, I can tell because its looking in all different directions.
It's now or never.
I twitch my ear in one final attempt to hear any predators nearby.
Nothing.
Now is my chance. I push hard against the ground, leaping into the open. The wood pigeon flaps its wings wildly, trying to gain hight before I have the chance to grab him with my sharp claws. I leap into the air and only catch a grey feather. The bird flies away with its life, leaving me hungry and frustrated. On top of not catching anything, my twisted paw now burns with pain. Maybe leaping wasn't such a good idea.
Your so stupid Slash! Why can't you just catch a big, fat bird!
I turn around and limp through the undergrowth I had been hiding, it's color starting to darken as it gets colder. My very first cold season will come in a month or two and to be honest, I'm scared of it. Once, just a few days after my mother abandoned me, a cat found me and nursed me back to health. It had been cold at the time and I was almost frozen to death but this cat allowed me to stay with him for a few days. His name was Forest and he has been a brown tabby cat with cream paws and golden eyes. At first, he scared me, but as time passed I realized that he wasn't going to kill me or feed me to the foxes so I began to open up and talk and laugh with this tom. He told me of new season, when all the little kittens are supposed to be born. Then he told me of warm season and old season. I liked the thought of old season the best because he told me that the leaves on trees and bushes would turn into radiant colors that where as beautiful as the sky. Then, he finally told me of the cold season, a time of hardship and death. He said that prey hides in their warm dens and that the woods get covered in a blanket of soft, white snow that will make your paws numb. I have never liked the thought of cold season but now that it's almost here, I suppose I have no choice but to dive into life and experience this cold, icy world that is coming.
I am shaken from my thoughts by a noise. My ears prick up and I stop suddenly,
wondering if I had made up the horrible noise.
There it is again.
I hear it more clearly this time. I don't know who is making the horrible, agonized shrieking sound and I don't even know why I'm running.
Wait, when did I decide to start running?
Now I am sprinting past trees and bushes, towards the sound of the agonized shrieks. I don't remember when I decided to help this cat. I don't even remember running. But now its obvious that my body has made the decision for me. I am going to help this cat and that's final.
I tear through bushes and patches of heather, my front paw burning in pain. I laugh a little at myself. I can never seem to take a long enough break to let me paw heal.Funny how that works out here.
The noises are getting louder, closer. My breathing is getting more ragged. More labored. But still, I press on until I reach the last bush. I run right through the last bush and skid to a halt, my lungs burning and crying for more air.
I look around for the cat that made these agonized shrikes. Finally, I spot her. A light, grey tabby she-cat with crimson blood gushing out of a wound in her belly.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
The saga continues!
Firstly, the issue with the kit surviving on his own in leafbare has been covered. Yes! More questions were indeed raised about Forest, but nothing that doesn't seem likely to be covered in the future.
There are two instance of... odd spacing. 'my body... thence." Also, thence? Typo, methinks. 'stop suddenly, wondering' shouldn't have a line break in the middle of it either. Typos them all! Easy to fix.
The action sequences in this chapter work off the tone of the last chapter to bring home the terrible condition the protag - Slash? - is in. I find the part where he is running in the direction of the shrieks especially well done. The strong word choices intensify Slash's pain and the urgency of the situation, and his (?) nihilistic, sardonic personality still shines through.
There are still some minor grammar issues - lack of space here, extra comma there - but nothing that detracts from what's going on.
Non-reviewer's note - haha, Slash is doomed to be a hero, no matter what they want, aren't they?
Hello, Tulip here again to give you a review of Chapter 2! (I am on a roll tonight!)
So I am going to show you where I suggest you do edits at, and where I place my comments on stuff at below, so this review may seem a little lose ended at times.
I hope that these all help you out! This was a little better than chapter 2, but show don't tell. Introduce some new characters so we are not just seeing it through his perspective.
Keep calm and write on,
GreenTulip