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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Warrior Cat FF *Chp. 3*

by Gymnast2801


CHAPTER 3

Blood.

Everywhere I step around this she-cat, there is blood. She wails in pain and once I get close to her stomach, I can see why she is such agony. Blood spews out of her violently ripped out stomach and I can see her intestines.

This is so freaking gross!

I dip one of my paws in the warm blood and then the others until I am crouched in the pool of blood, next to the she-cat's face. Her bright blue eyes are dull with pain but she drags her head across the ground when I am close enough for her to feel my breath. "W-Who are you?" She questions, her voice trying to come off strong but she sounds weak from blood loss.

"I'm Slash and I'm going to help you." I say gently. This hasn't been my first encounter with gory scenes. Once, I met a kitten roaming my part of the woods and it had an empty eye socket. Although it was disturbing, I gave the kitten shelter and helped it as best I could but it died the next morning. I had never even found out its name.

"Slash." The great tabby she-cat's ragged voice jerks me back into the present. "Listen..." The she-cat closes her eyes and I can tell that she is fighting to stay conscious.

Fighting to stay alive just as I did.

The she-cat opens her eyes again and I can tell that the blood loss and pain are affecting her. She opens her mouth to speak and I catch a glimpse of her gums. They are pale and whitish. That isn't good at all.

"Listen Slash," Her voice is slow but determined, "I need y-your help."

"I know. I'm going to get cobweb now so you just stay put." I laugh at myself in my mind. This she-cat couldn't move to save her life. "Just don't-"

"No. Not me." Her breathing is heavy now, quick and labored. I can tell that it's about to become shallow and then...

"You don't understand." I say gently, "You've lost a lot of blood. I will be right back." I start to push myself to my paws which are covered in blood. My underbelly is also dark crimson but I don't mind that now. I have to save this cats life.

"No!" The she-cat gasps, shakily reaching out with one paw and touching my leg. "I-I need you." Her voice is shaky. She is dying. And she won't let me help her.

Maybe she is afraid of dying by herself.

I pause for a moment and she looks at me, somehow mustering a piercing gaze and clearing away her agony. I can't even picture how much pain she mush be in.

"My. Kittens." She pauses and continues in a whisper, "Must. Save. Them. They are...next to...the river." She closes her eyes. Her voice is shallow and very quiet as she whispers in a final, stuttering breath, "Tell them I love them."

With that, her body horribly convulsed and she died. Her unblinking eyes looking into mine.

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86 Reviews

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Reviews: 86

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Wed Jun 22, 2016 12:57 am
reikann wrote a review...



Chapter three!
Once again, your hand for pain and suffering shines through like a bloody beacon. I like the touch about whitish gums; it proves you've done your research, but doesn't make that the focus.
The pain and suffering is undermined on occasion by brick-like sentences. Some of the lines - here, 'I start to push myself to my paws which are covered in blood.' sound detached and rushed. The rushing can be solved by adding a comma after 'paws', and the detachment by using less clinical narration.
Some questions are raised, as they always are! Slash knows to use cobwebs, but yet doesn't recognize a cat ten seconds away from dying is at that point? It's possible he's just shaken at seeing other cats die - who wouldn't be, after all.
Slash empathizing with the she-cat is good, both for the character and for further plot - he has a reason to fulfill her final request.
Non-reviewer's note - aah man, he's not going to get in trouble for killing her, will he? That'd suuuck.




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285 Reviews

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Wed Jun 01, 2016 3:20 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Okay, so I am going to make this a quick review because I, unfortunately, have to be heading to bed now!

Okay, so I liked how you showed up a new character, but you rushed this scene!! This is not something you want to do, especially in something like this. It may end up being a bloody chapter but the reader will see what type of p[ersonality that Slash has.

We see that he is compassionate to other cats, willing to risk his life to save the life of a cat that he just met. This also raises some questions.

Like did his father teach him some of the herbs that are used in the healing process or did he have to learn on his own or rather did Forest teach him when he met him? Why would he be willing to help a cat that looks so close to death anyway?

You need to slow the interaction between the two down! It goes by to close and it just slips from the mind of the reader as it is easy to just skim over like I was tempted to do this chapter.

Everything needs to be paced exactly right so that the reader doesn't skip over it or gets bored with it. So fixing it up a bit shouldn't do anything to harm it as long as you make it a little slower.

But have a good night/day, whichever it may be!

Keep calm and write on,
GreenTulip




Gymnast2801 says...


Hi GreenTulip! Thank you so much for all the reviews!!! I will be sure to work on what you pointed out!

Good night! (Haha, I have to go to bed also)




Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily