Rickety Ranch Rescue Center
Note: This is going to be a story written by me and my friend. I have written this chapter and she will write the next and so on until the story is finished.
Chapter One: Writen by Gymnast2801
Her glossy coat shines in the bright sun.
I run the comb through her beautiful chestnut mane, attempting to pick out all of the little knots. I watch as the comb glides through the thick hair, parting where the bristles meet hair and then the hair collides again. It reminds me of the ocean waves I saw on a family trip to Virginia Beach. The waves would part with the large body of water and then thunder back down, colliding again with the larger being.
"Just let me comb out your tail really fast..." I take a wider comb from the grooming bucket and walk around Autumn until I am in reach of her chestnut tail. "Don't worry Autumn, this won't hurt a bit."
She just snorts again and I think I can hear her thinking, 'stop talking so much and just hurry up!' I take her tail and run the larger comb through it in the same way I did with her main. The movements remind me of the ocean again, once the comb glides smoothly through. I pick out a few knots but nothing really bad. My wrist has gone sore quite some time ago, but I want to make sure Autumn looks her best for her new family.
She is so impatient, and with good reasoning. Today is the day for Autumn that almost every animal wishes for. Today, Autumn goes to her forever home. So, I suppose, I can't blame her for being impatient.
"Are you almost done, Sadie?" I can hear my Mom's voice calling from inside the stables.
"Yes, almost!" I call back, putting the comb away.
A breeze caries through and I look around to make sure nothing has gone flying. The grooming station has two wooden poles that rise up to the wooden ceiling and hold Autumn in place by two thick leads. The hose is still coiled up next to the many bottles of shampoos and soaps. I look down at the concrete floor and notice that the grooming bucket I was using had tipped over. I walk a few steps and crouch down, picking up the brushes and curry combs. Once they are all in the bucket and the bucket it hung on a nail in the wall, I turn to Autumn, petting her white forehead. Her chestnut paint coat looks silky and gorgeous, as does her mane and tail.
"We did a good job." I comment as I look over her. Even her hooves look nice and shinny. Autumn let's me rub her forehead and muzzle. She looks into my eyes and I hold her white and chestnut head in my hands.
"Now, you promise me you'll be a good girl, okay?" My voice is thick with emotion. We've had Autumn for five years and now it's her time to start a new chapter in her life. A chapter without me and the Rickety Ranch Rescue Center. And I always get emotional when an animal leaves us because I love them all.
Autumn seems to sense my emotions and most horses can and she nuzzles her hand into me. I hug her gently as not to scare her but I wish I could hug her tighter. The last few days have been rough. We had a colony of wild cats come in and most of them where bone skinny and on the brink of death. We lost four kittens and a mother cat.
And now, with Autumn leaving me too, I feel like I could break. Tears stream from my eyes as I kiss Autumn one lest time. And then that it. I have to let her go live with a new family. A true family.
I wipe my tears away, thankful that I'm not wearing mascara, and unhook Autumn from her ties. I take her lead rope and walk her into the front driveway. I find a little girl and boy smiling brightly when they see Autumn. A man, I suppose their father, is talking with my Mom. He hands her a check and my Mom thanks him. She then turns to me.
"You can go ahead and load her in the trailer." She says gently. No just nod and coax Autumn into the small space. She listens and easily walk in. I look at her one last time and then close the door, bolting it firmly.
"Thank you!" I turn and see the little boy looking up at me. He seems small for his age but I can't tell that well. His brown hair sticks out in all directions and he wears a green John Deer t-shirt. "I promise, I will take really good care of Autumn."
And to that, I smile. I know that Autumn will have a new best friend.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Good morning, Gymnast2801. AnarchyWolf here to review this first chapter.
I love the horse-related descriptions in this chapter. There's so much of it and it works so well, especially comparing bits of her pelt and mane to waves. They're very well done and we get a sense of how much Sadie loves the Autumn through the description. It's also kept realistic with the addition of knots, so that's good too.
The pacing of this chapter is very good. Just as I was reading through the description and starting to wonder what came next, you slipped in how Autumn was going out to a new family. You also get the little changes of scene just right to keep the reader's interest, and to keep the chapter, and therefore the overall plot, moving at a proportional pace.
Now for the smaller nitpicks:
Spoiler
Hair is used too much in this sentence.
Again, large, or a variation of that word, is used more than once.
Don't worry, Autumn,
With good reason
For Autumn, today is the day
To day is the day, for Autumn,
With
- I love them all.
; I love them all
Because reads a little too frankly and blatently. A semicolon or hyphen would work better.
Like most horses can
Put it into a subordinate clause to make it read better.
Horses don't have hands, so I'm going to suggest head
One thing that is vital to writing a story like this, especially opening on a complex animal like a horse, is doing research on said animals. I'm not for one moment suggesting that you haven't done research - I'm trying to stress the importance of thorough research and showing it in your writing. When you write "... walk around Autumn until I am in reach of her chestnut tail...", it's a bit unclear as to how Sadie is moving, and therefore unclear whether or not she knows not to go behind a horse, and to be extremely careful when you go anywhere near its hind legs. It'd be better if that part was revised and made more clear.
Finally, I think that more emotion from Sadie would help the reader empathise with her. For example, she tells the reader "... my voice is thick with emotion...". This is all well and good, and great detail to read, but this is one of the only instances where we get such emotion. It'd be a lot better if the whole thing was stained with it, through showing rather than telling. Show us the effects of her emotion - are her hands shaking? Does it make Autumn uneasy? What does it feel like? Metaphors and similes are great to use in scenes like this.
Overall, this is a really solid first chapter.
-AnarchyWolf
Hello! Sid here for a review!
Also, welcome to YWS! I hope your time here will be enjoyable, and I'm also glad that I get to be your first review! I hope it's helpful!
To start, I'd like to say that I'm glad you took the chance and tried to put this extremely emotional topic into words. It can be hard to get your feelings together in a way that other people understand and enjoy reading.
Now, while this was a good first attempt at getting everything together, I do have a few suggestions that I think could make this Story even better. Just a little grammar thing.