Chapter One
The hands ticked from four to five. The noise of the ticking bounced off the walls, creating an echoing sound.
If I peered through a small window in the door, I could see my mother talking with the doctors. Their expressions seemed pale and concerned, and my mother seemed to be crying. They had warned me that this might be the case, that I might be one of them. A mutant, as some people at school called it.
But I refused to believe that I could truly be like them, hunted and alone. It just wasn't possible, I just couldn't be like that.
One of the doctors caught me peering at them, and they seemed to know that I was straining my ears to listen to what they had to say. The window was covered up with a shade and my sight of the doctors and my mother was gone. I looked around the hospital building, wondering what I should do now. It seemed obvious they would be talking for a while, because why not? I already knew the answer that they had. All the signs added up.
As I looked around, I noticed how everything was so white and perfectly clean. The leather chairs, the walls, the celling, and even the blinds that covered the tall windows. Why was everything so perfectly clean and arranged? Why couldn't there be something...different in the building. I've walked through this hospital enough to know that everything looks the same. Everything is white, grey, and black, just as the government likes it.
A wave of anger washed through me, and I glared at the floor as I waited for my mother. The questions just keep coming and I can't stop them. Why can't something be different? Why can't there be a red chair, and blue walls, and green floors? Is everything matched to perfectly for a reason?
Yes.
That's a silly question to even ask myself. I've always know the answer-- I'm not an idiot like most people here. The government wants us to be one, a unity. How can we be a unity when everything, or everyone, is different? How can we be one if someone else has more than the other?
I understand how the government thinks, thanks to my dad. They want us to all be the same, and all like the same things, and all follow them without question. But that doesn't mean I have to agree with them.
The anger becomes stronger inside of me and I kick the ground with my shoe, but it isn't enough. I need to make a change to this world of sameness. Judging the looks on those doctor's faces a few minutes ago, I know what my blood work resulted in.
I am like them.
And that means I know my fate. To be sent out to the country, far away from my family and friends. Far away from civilization. And I'll have to work for these people, the government. They'll treat me like a slave and I'll be ready for them.
I'll be ready.
Before I can stop myself, my hand lashed out at the white blinds behind me and they come off the wall with a loud clatter.
Holly crap, what have I done?
The door in front of me opens and I snap my head around to see one of the white coated doctors step outside the office. As I examine his face, it first goes from a pale white, to a rose red. His eyebrows seem to go up at the sight, but I can't be sure.
And my anger is gone. I've done it. I've made something different about this hallway, kind of like marking or a signature. And now the doctors know that I won't have it. I won't take the torture they'll put me through.
"Katelyn Rays, I believe you should come into the office now."
A/N: What I really would like to know from my reviewers is if y'all think this is a good starting chapter and if it has potential to be something good.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Sup.
I Just Copy Parts Of Your Story, Correct them And Then I Ask You A Question Or Two.
1.The window was covered up with a shade and my sight of the doctors and my mother was gone.'
I Kinda What You Wanted The Reader To See, However, In First Glance, It Takes A While To Understand it.
It is almost as if the 'sight' is a person, I know You Used -MY- But Still, I think The sentence would have made universal sense if it was written like this:
1.(REVISED)I glanced in the window one more time,and to my surprise, I found a shade which hid my view of both the doctors and my mom.
I get it now, you just need a -BOTH-
2.It seemed obvious they would be talking for a while, because why not? I already knew the answer that they had.
So Is this going to be a mystery novel? Because, if not, you should explain everything and put details.(If You want your book to have a mystery, then that's fine.)
3.As I looked around, I noticed how everything was so white and perfectly clean. The leather chairs, the walls, the celling, and even the blinds that covered the tall windows.
Why was this sentence so perfectly arranged? I mean it! This sentence was perfect in giving out juicy details, all You Needed was to spell ceiling right.(Copy and paste your story, put it in Microsoft Word and fix the spelling)
Anyway, I think I'm writing way too much. I really want to finish the story, but I think I have 'helped' too much already.
Good Lucky And may -BOTH- Your Brain And Destinies follow you.
-Mr Muddy Pig
And Oh I recommend a title: Living the Mutant Life!
Heyo Gymnast2801! I'm Oreos and I'm here to review your Chapter.
Starting off I loved the first lines:
They make me think of time literally bouncing off the walls. It is a really god beginning in my opinion.
Here I think between these or somewhere in here you could describe what a mutant is. I was kinda wondering what it is that makes them so bad. Why are they called mutants? What do they do? Is there certain people who only become them? Why are they so bad? These questions ran though my head as I was reading. I think you really should explain what they are and why they are bad if you're not gonna do that soon. It leaves the reader a tad confused.
Elaborate more on this. What signs? I wonder what they are to make her know she is one of the mutants without seeing her blood work results?
Who's the government? Are they bad? Can you explain this more if you're not going to already?
I really like this sentence. It made me laugh and showed that your charater will be a strong one who can see past the fade the "government" put up. This is my favorite line in the chapter.
Does her dad work for the government? Could you tell us why it's thanks to her dad she knows what she knows? How does he know? Was he a mutant too?
Did you mean holy crap o is this a dialect of how your characters talk. I'm just curious. It intrigued me t see something different and I liked that she was not following the book with her language.
I like the way the doctor says this as more of a command than like he is going her a choice of coming or not. It shows he thinks he has the authority over her. It's also really suspenseful and I can't wait to see what happens next.
Overall I see a great book here. I cannot wait to see what the second chapter brings. You should definitively continue this. This was a really god started chapter in my opinion and I'm excited to see what you write next! I saw no grammar errors so congratulations on that! Please let me know when you post the second chapter of this. I wanna keep reading to find out what happens. Keep writing and I hope to read more of your amazing work in the future.
Oreos
Thank you for the amazing review! As for your questions, I'm going to explain quite a few of them in the next chapter
Okay good cause I am very curious about this! Can't wait for the next chapter!!!
Heylo, Gymnast! This is CC here.
First off, I really enjoyed this chapter. One of the strong points I took note of was the consistency of style, which resulted in an actual atmosphere. A common struggle in first chapters is creating actual feeling, which is difficult in beginnings since the reader knows nothing of the characters or much of the plot line. But I didn't find it too hard to connect with the main character, so good job with that!
Now for the critique
Let's take the first 2 sentences:
(BTW, I like of starting with the ticking of a clock. It's hard to explain...But it's a good mood-setter.)
I think this part lacks some vocabulary. First of all, using the word "tick" twice is something I recommend changing--swap the word for a synonym, or something. Secondly, you need to completely change the clause "creating an echoing sound." It really kills the feel, because it seems to give off an elementary air. Perhaps change it to something like "The noise of the clock bounced off the walls, creating an ominous echo in the hollow halls." Something like that. But it depends on what you want the reader to feel--IS the ticking ominous? Or is is obnoxious? Or piercing? As of now, the reader really doesn't know what you're trying to get through to them with by blandly describing a ticking noise.
Moving on...:
This paragraph has a little verb confusion. You say "IF I peered though the small window..." which lets the reader know that she is NOT peering through the small window, but giving the reader the picture of IF she WERE to peer through the small window. But the confusion comes in when the story continues as if she IS peering through the small window. I advise you fix that :'D
The rest seems pretty good--nothing major like that. You did say "holly crap" instead of "holy crap" though :'D But, in my opinion, it would help the chapter a bit if you added some more vocabulary, and maybe description, for that matter. Descriptions like..."small window......tall windows..." don't exactly paint the most perfect image in the reader's mind, but they are personal preference. Overdoing it on deep vocabulary words can be just as damaging!
Now for the part that you specified for. Sorry if none of that was what you were looking for...I hope it may have helped at least a bit :'D
So I do think it is a good starting chapter. Maybe lengthen it a bit--adding more description, feelings, and whatnot--maybe even some background. But I do like the mystery in it--it's intriguing. So whatever you add, don't reveal too much as to take down some of the mystery. If that makes sense.
I believe that this could become something really cool, if you keep it up--which PLEASE DO!!! I am hoping to find out more, and will definitely read all further chapters! If you plan on posting them...
And...That's it! Thanks for posting this and allowing me the privilege of reading it. Let me know if (and when) you're planning on coming up with more. I really enjoyed it, and sure I'd enjoy the next ones too!!
Thanks for the review!
And as for the plot, this chapter does remind me of The Giver too (a great book by the way) but I'm more concerned about it turning our like Matched or Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children so I'm kind of comparing everything to those two books, and now The Giver. Thanks for the heads up and I love doing the review!
My pleasure!
Heya, this is Jedi, here to write a review! My apologies that this is a long review, I just found this piece of literature very interesting
)
First I want to say that I REALLY enjoyed reading this! I really like how the MC thinks, how you can see her bits of mutant-ness but not so much that you can't relate to her.
Anyways... onto some suggestions and critique. (BY THE WAY I'm totally gonna tear this chapter down and be as nitpicky as possible
It is unclear what you're talking about when you don't say anything about it being a clock, and I was a bit confused until I read the the next paragraph. Of course, this could just be me being brainless, but it's something to consider.
I don't get this. One second you're saying "IF she did something" and then with no clear transition she's actually doing it, and seeing their "pale and concerned" faces. It would clear things up a bit if you just omitted the "If" in the beginning of the sentence. Also, I like the subtle reference to school, giving the reader a hint at her age, but not too obvious and perhaps unintentional.
When you say that "the window was covered up with a shade" it sounds like it always was covered. Just something to note, and maybe a change of wording would fix that. Also, she goes from refusing to believe that she was one of "them" to knowing and accepting the answer she assumed the doctors had. I think that some kind of transition would help fix that and also it would be interesting. I want to hear more about her not acceptance or acceptance to her being a mutant.
Skipping ahead a couple sentences, I think this first one needs a question mark at the end. Also, the sentence after that could be expanded. Why was she in the hospital so many times? How many times has she been to the hospital for this reason? Has it been an ongoing issue?
Skipping ahead again. Why thanks to her dad? Is he a part of the government? If so, this could create more drama and tension between the father and his supposedly mutant daughter. Or does her father simply lecture her about politics? This is something to expand on perhaps now or in the future.
Skipping ahead again. This might just be personal preference, but perhaps you could find a less over used phrase than, "treat me like a slave". Perhaps, "Treat me like a criminal," would be better, giving the reader a glimpse of the idea that mutants are not only treated with less respect but are treated like they did something wrong, just for being what they are.
Skipping ahead again. I think you can (judging at the vocabulary and good writing of the rest of the work) come up with a phrase better than, "they come off the wall". How did they come off the wall? Did they slide? Fall? Drop? Depending on the type of blinds, was one side still hanging crookedly on the wall? Also, Holy not Holly in the next sentence
Skipping ahead another paragraph, there's one thing I don't like. "kind of like" just sounds so unprofessional, even if it is first person, speaking the MC's thoughts. Perhaps something like, "as if," or, "almost like," would fit better. "kind of like" takes away from the quality of the overall story.
Also, this chapter is a bit short, if it is the complete first chapter. Although you may have found a good place to stop, and leave a cliff hanger, that doesn't mean you should stop. There will be another place to stop, another cliff hanger, and another time when you feel like you want to start fresh on another chapter. Keep going! That's my advice anyway, hope this helps.
There may be a lot of things I suggested, but some of it is sort of personal preference. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and would like to know what happens to Katelyn next. I really like the character's personality and thought process, so great job on that! Keep writing, and I'll look forward to reading and possibly reviewing chapter 2!
Thank you so much for the review!
sure! wonderful piece of literature