z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Death Awaits Chapter 1

by Gymnast2801


Chapter One

It is very easy to get angry as a teenager.

Think about all those hormones that us teenagers have, and it doesn't help when you have a little sister who is really annoying to top things off. My sister's name is Alexis and she really knows how to get on my nerves. One time she went so far as to pour paint in my hair while we where painting our new house! I must admit that I was furious and didn't handle it well but let's not get into that.

My point is that Alexis is now mad at me because I get to tutor her best friend Olivia. Alone. Without Alexis nagging me and distracting Olivia. Don't get me wrong, I love Olivia. She small, nice, and polite. But my sister can be a very distracting person if she sets her mind to it. I guess that's a good thing sometimes.

I look out of my bedroom window, watching the rain pitter patter onto the driveway.

Bold yellow, golden orange, deep brown and crimson red leaves blow across the front yard, creating a beautiful collage of colors. Fall is my favorite season because it always feels mysterious. The green leaves change into brilliant colors and the summer heat fades away, taking the bugs and flies with it. I guess I also like fall because my birthday is in October, on the 20th to be exact. I'm about a months and a half away from turning sixteen.

"Meow." I turn away from my window to see my cat Para slinking into my room. Her pure black coat shines off the lighting and her golden eyes gleam. I laugh at Para. "Very funny but you can give up the act."

Para jumps gracefully onto the desk next to me and sits down. "Who says it's an act?" She replies, "After all, I am supposed to be a black cat."

We both look at each other in a knowing way for a moment.

"Come on Para, I know your a shapeshifter." I say in an annoyed tone, "If you don't give it up now then I'll just have to throw you into the rain."

Now, Para may be a shapeshifter created to protect me from the evil monsters and demons that lurk, waiting to kill those with The Sight. But her favorite form is a black cat and shapeshifter's often have things I common with their favorite form. That said, Para hates the rain and will try to avoid it. She also hates taking the shape of a dog.

"You wouldn't do that!" Para hissed, her fur fluffing up, "The most you would do is threaten me. After all, you need me to protect you. I smiled, "True, I would never be cruel to animals."

It makes Para furious to be called an animal because technically, she isn't. Technically, Para is a being created out of magic to pose as a guardian for those with The Sight. The Sight is only earned by those who preform an act of kindness that is outstanding. Now I look at Para closely and watch as rage fills her golden eyes. Her claws did into my dark and she shows her teeth to me. "Don't you call me an animal again." Her voice comes in a whisper, as if she can hardly get the words out because of her anger. I suppose I understand but some shapeshifter's don't mind the term. Para is more hardheaded than most.

"Sadie!" My mom calls before I have time to reply, "Olivia is here!"

I glance out my window and see a red convertible pull into our driveway. Jumping out of my chair, I rush to my door and then look back at Para. She nods, letting me know that she knows I don't need to answer her demand. She knows I was just teasing.

I rush downstairs and through the kitchen to the front door. Alexis arrives at the same time as me and she pushed her elbow into my side as I reach for the door.

"Don't touch me!" I exclaim, raising my voice.

"Watch me." She dared and poked me in the ribs. I slap her hand away and shove

her roughly aside, opening the door.


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58 Reviews


Points: 12
Reviews: 58

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Tue Jul 26, 2016 8:42 pm
JuliasSneezer wrote a review...



Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!

First of all, I love your opening paragraph because it's something we can ALL relate to. And you just go: "Hey, I like this girl. She's like me!" And that makes you want to keep reading. Really, a genius way to start a book.

The only thing that I can recommend about that paragraph, is that this sentence sounds a wee bit awkward:

"My sister's name is Alexis and she really knows how to get on my nerves."

Perhaps something to make it go smoother would be something like: "My sister, Alexis, really knows how to get on my nerves." Just do whatever floats your goat!

The part about Sadie tutoring Olivia seems to be a bit irrelevant unless you bring it into future chapters. I'm pretty sure you will, but I thought I ought to give you a bit of a heads-up.

You describe the storm beautifully, and we get a little taste of Sadie's personality through us learning her birthday, her favorite season, and that she's quite fond of mysterious things. I don't know for sure, but something tells me that that bit about her liking mystery will be brought back in later?

I like how you just smoothly told us that Para is a shapeshifter. Most people make a huge deal about it, but you just sort of bring it right in, which makes it a whole lot easier to understand. You can tell that they're fantastic friends, and the feel of their relationship through the dialogue.

All in all, I deem this a fabulous chapter!

Just keep swimming,
-Cups




Gymnast2801 says...


Hi Cups, thank you so much for this review!!
Thanks for the praise on the opening part!! I spent hours trying to decide how to start. I eventually decided to take some of the many books I own, write down how they start, and then use that but fir it into my story-don't worry, I didn't copy the words or even the same thought :)

Yes, the tutoring is going to be the key to this story. Just hang in there for a few more chanpeter of normal....things will change....

I don't want to give away too much so I'd better stop at that ;)
Thanks again!





You're welcome! Could you PM me whenever the next chappie is out?



Gymnast2801 says...


Sure!



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151 Reviews


Points: 3592
Reviews: 151

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Tue Jul 26, 2016 2:08 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey, this is a great start!
Grammatical Etc. errors :

I'm about a months and a half away

Month shouldn't be plural.
"Very funny but you can give up the act."

This should be it's own paragraph because it is someone different speaking.
things I common with their favorite

I believe that I is supposed to be in.
you need me to protect you. I

You forgot the end quotation mark here.
"True, I would never be cruel to animals."

Different person speaking so should be a new paragraph.
Her claws did into my dark and she shows

First i believe did is supposed to be dig. Second I think Dark is another typo, but I can't tell exactly what it is supposed to say.
I suppose I understand but some shapeshifter's

First there should be a comma after but. Second get rid of the apostrophe in shapeshifters it should be plural not possessive
same time as me and she pushed her

Because you are writing this in present tense pushed should be pushes.
She dared and poked me in the

Again here you accidentally use past instead of present. Dared should be dares and poked should be pokes.

Characters: Great job establishing the character. You give us a little sense of each character's personality. Continuing adding more as the story continues.

Plot: This is very interesting, you talk about shapeshifters and The Sight of a sort of fantasy style, but then other parts are those of just normal life.

Descriptions: So you give some descriptions like the sound of the Para as a black cat and then smaller things which is great, but you also need to get the big descriptions in like the setting. I get the idea she is first in her room of her house, but what does it look like. Also you don't give any description of the main character or her sister.

Random things: First I would like to say that you have a very interesting title that pulled me in straight away. It is very mysterious for the reader making them wonder. Second although I definitely likes the first few paragraphs because they give us lots of background information it's also very hard to do that without boring a reader. Mostly though you did it well other than the rare spot.

Overall this is a great first chapter that should lead to something very entertaining and fun to read.

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel




Gymnast2801 says...


Thank you for this review!
Yes, I am typing this on an iPad Mini so autocorrect cuts in a lot if I don't hit the letters correctly. Sorry about that, I will fit it. By the way, dark was supposed to be Desk ;)

Also, thank you for liking the charcaters! I hate writing from human prov and would choose animal prov any day but I felt like the story shouldn't be told from the shapeshifter.

Yes, this story will become very fanacy with a mix of real world in it. There will be quite some entertainment after a few chapters.



Junel says...


I understand how evil autocorrect can be. Can't wait to read more though!




Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality