E - Everyone

The Things They Can't See: Chapter 2


Chapter Two ~ My Life

"Are you okay honey?"

I pull the seatbelt around myself and it takes a few tries until I hear a click. My whole body can't stop shaking from the sight of that creature. What was it? Had it even been real? Maybe my mind had been playing tricks on me.

But that final look it had given me...that hungry, wanting look. So long as that image was stuck in my head, I would always remember that.

"Cassidy?" My mom's voice finally seems to process through my mind and all sound seems to come back to me. The car engine hums as my mom turns the corner of the parking lot where the creature had been. I glance out the window to try and assure that what I had seen, had actually been there, but I saw nothing. Not even a footprint.

"Cassidy, just answer Mom! Your so dumb!" Eli, my little brother, yells at my from the back seat.

I turn around in my seat as much as I can and glare at him. His ear buds are in his ears, and his green "GAMING IS MY LIFE" t-shirt seems to be smudged with dirt. Typical for Eli, he's always such a disgusting snob. He thinks he knows everything, when really, he's just a gross little ten-year-old.

"You don't yell at me!" I say, my voice coming out louder and more powerful than I expected.

"You stop yelling at me!" He responded, finally looking up at me only to stick out his tongue and then look back at his tablet. Eli is such a brat that I can't stand it sometimes. I was about to yell something really nasty at him, but just as I open my mouth, Cosmo's wet nose shoves into my face and a load of wet dog kisses are quickly plastered all over it.

"Hey Cosmo, hey buddy!" I kiss him just above his nose, on his long muzzle. He licks me again, and I turn back to face the front of the car again. Cosmo's barking stopped but now he seems to be intent on licking my face off as he jumps around the car.

"Cosmo, down!" My mom's voice is much more strict than I would ever be with him, but then again, Cosmo doesn't like my mom at all. He even seems to try and do things just to make her angry.

"So, what's wrong Cassidy?" My mom glances at me quickly before looking back at the road. I stair at the road, debating what to say. No one in their right mind would believe anything I said about what actually happened. Heck, they'd just send me straight to one of those weird therapists.

"It's nothing really...Clair just wants me to go to a stupid dance, and I don't want to go because I hate dances." My voice rises at the end of my statement. This isn't a complete lie--I don't want to go to the dance. But then again, that isn't what's upsetting me.

We round the last turn to my dad's street. Living in Washington DC is expensive, so the best my dad could afford was a rundown apartment on the outskirts of Central DC. The bare trees sway in the wind and the apartments look rundown, with old shutters and doors. But most of the windows shine with yellow light on the cold, cloudy day, and Christmas decorations hang on the doors and in the windows. So although the street and apartments seem rundown, they also have a welcoming affect.

My mom's phone rings and she quickly picks it up. "Hello, this is Linda Rose, how can I help you?" I sigh quietly. She's out of 'mom mode' and back into 'workaholic mode'. My mom practically lives a work, only stopping to pick me and Eli up from school, and also to make us dinner. Then she's usually right back at it, either on calls or on her computer.

I personally, hate my mom for it. I hate that she's always at work and never with me or Eli. She'll ask us about our day after school, but that's about it. She doesn't take off when we get sick--she calls Grandma Jill to come take care of us. She's usually very late to my soccer games, and she hardly ever comes to parent meetings for school.

That's where my dad comes in. He always gets to our parent meetings, he's always at my soccer games because he knows mom doesn't usually show up until later, and he always answers the phone when I call him.

I love my dad so much because he understands what mom's like. He gets why I get so frustrated with her. He can't do anything to fix it, but he can spoil me while I visit him every weekend.

Eli doesn't like dad as much because he can't sneak by without doing his homework, or play too many video games. He opts to stay with mom just about every weekend.

A new tension enters the car as we pull up to my dad's apartment. The light yellow outside of the building, with the outdated green door and shutters makes the place look old. But I can just make out the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree in the upstairs apartment that my dad and I picked out.

I unbuckle and hop out of the warm car. Cold surrounds me and I wave a goodbye to my mom. Blaze barks happily--he seems to like this place a lot, and I open the door to let him out. I then grab my duffle bag and shut the door. My mom waves but her face is hard. She hates my dad for the things he said to her. I could hear them that night. The night they broke up. He yelled a bunch of things that where true. My mom yelled back in weak defense. And then things where quite. They where done.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Aleta
Review
Aleta wrote a review · Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:12 pm

Hey, Aleta here for a fairly short review. As far as grammar goes...

"Cassidy, just answer Mom! Your so dumb!"

C:*you're instead of your.

"You don't yell at me!" I say, my voice coming out louder and more powerful than I expected.

C: I think don't yell at me would sound more appropriate/fitting here. That is just me though.

Cosmo's wet nose shoves into my face and a load of wet dog kisses are quickly plastered all over it.

C: I think you should say something different than simply 'it'.

I stair
C: *stare, just a common typo.

A new tension
C: A new tension? This is phrased awkwardly. Perhaps "I could feel the tension is the car as we pull up to my dad's apartment" would sound better.

And then things where quite. They where done.
C: *were

Once again, my apologies for it being so short! :)

User avatar
Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review · Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:01 pm

This is Kaos here for a review!

The start of the chapter didn't really pull me in or hook me. I couldn't and didn't really have a reason to care about the characters in this story. The chapter didn't really have anything new to offer that really surprised me or anything of that sort. I wasn't really able to understand what was going into the story because there wasn't really a lot of clarity or distinct plot. The characters are nothing really new or interesting, they just kind of annoyed me in how they acted.

Something that I wanted to bring up was the grammar errors and punctuation in this chapter. I suggest you get a grammar checker and then use your own eyes to spot out these mistakes since it makes it harder to read and it turns off the reader from wanting to read it. Mind you, grammar checkers don't find everything.

The plot of this story wasn't really moved along until the end of the chapter with the parents breaking up. This is something that makes me wonder about the title and if or how it relates. Is it the stuff that the main character's parents can't see? The actual event didn't really leave any emotional impact on me, but that's to be expected when I couldn't really find a reason to connect to the rest of it. Don't write something relatable, write the story.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

User avatar
mellifera
Review

Hello Gymnast! It's Inky here for a lil' review :D

So first off, I'd like to say that this is really enticing from the last chapter. What happened to that wolf-man? What will happen Cassidy? There's so many questions waiting to be answered!

But here we have a little nitpicking. mwauhaha....I mean, right *cough*, down to the nitty gritty...

So long as that image is stuck in my head, I would always remember that


These two sentences together don't make sense. If it's stuck in her head, she's remembering it, but that's a given. It's like you're trying to say that Cassidy will either think about it for a while, or she'll forget it as soon as she stops imagining it. Something like 'I would remember that image for a while' or whatever your creativity comes up with :)

"You don't yell at me!" I say, my voice coming out louder and more powerful than I expected.


I get what you're trying to do here, but it's unnecessary. This would only need to be 'I shouted', without describing it.

I stair at the road, debating what to say


that would be *stare.

So although the street and apartments seem rundown, they also have a welcoming affect[b/].

I would change 'also' to 'do', since also would be describing it as another positive factor, but since there was none previously, it should be 'do'. Speaking of also, affect should be effect.

My mom practically live [b]a work, only stopping to pick me and Eli up from school, and also to make us dinner


I think you meant *at.
Me and Eli should be Eli and I.
And the 'also to' is also not needed here, it doesn't sound quite right when you're reading it.

I personally, hate my mom for it


The comma is not required in the middle there.

Eli doesn't like dad as much because he can't sneak by without doing his homework, or play too many video games. He opts to stay with mom just about every weekend.


I don't know where they live (I could have read it and forgot too), but I would definitely check to make sure that's allowed. I come from a divided household too, so I know a thing or two about custody. Until a child is sixteen, they are not truly able to make the choice of who to stay with, and most of the time, the parents swap week to week/weekend to weekend. Same goes for Holidays. Since Eli is ten, he probably should not get to choose to stay with his mother every weekend, since it isn't really legal. But again, I would check the state's laws.

Blaze barks happily--he seems to like this place a lot, and I open the door to let him out.


Did Cosmo's name change somewhere that I missed or does Cassidy have two dogs?

and then things where quite. They where done.


where should be changed to were and quite should be quiet.


Overall, it's a very entertaining piece and I should very much like to see more of it to find out what happens! There are some other grammar mistakes I haven't pointed out, but they are minor issues and can easily be fixed as you progress.

Keep writing and have a wonderful day!
-inky :)



attempting foot extraction
— Mea