The Things They Can't See: Chapter 1

by Gymnast2801

Published November 1, 2016

E - Everyone

In Old Writing

Chapter 1 ~ Mysterious Sightings

I step outside the school doors, and cold seeps into my cloths.

The parking lot is packed with a long line of cars, and different kids rush to different cars.

My Mom is is such a workaholic that she's always at the back of the line, so I walk to my normal waiting spot, a small bench at one corner of the front of the school with a trash can next to it. I can't say I don't like this spot--it's nice in the summer because it's shaded and hardly anyone comes over here. But in the cold December air, this spot tends to get really cold, so I huddle deeper into my bright red coat.

"Hey, Cassidy!" I look around the crowd of high schoolers and catch sight of the bright pink NorthFace jacket that I know too well. My best friend Clair walks up to my bench and sits down next to me.

"How are you?" I ask her, trying to get my half-frozen face to turn a smile. Clair's brown eyes turn towards me and she let's our one of her metal-mouth smiles. If I didn't know better, I'd call her a hippy with her tie-dye shirt peeking out of her bright pink NorthFace jacket, and her ripped up jeans. Even her sneakers here bright pink. I've always told Clair that her style is crazy, but she just goes with whatever she likes. I suppose that's good because I'm too shy to ever be like that.

"I'm okay, but omigosh did you hear about the party that Lily Jerkins is throwing! I literally can't even wait! Are you going?" Clair's excitement rings in her loud voice and I just look at her. Does she really expect me to want to go to a party? I mean, I may be more popular than some other kids, but I'm not one for parties. At all.

"Clair, do you really think I'm going to go to a party?" I ask, a little sympathetic.

She knows that I hate parties, yet she still asks me to come with her every time a party is held. I guess I'm lucky to have such a great friend.

"Well, I was hoping! I mean, think about how much fun you would have! We could dance, and..."

I toon Clair's voice out of my head. She goes into one of these long talks every time. And every time I toon her out because I don't want to hear the lecture. I already have enough things weighing me down. My schoolwork, the problem that I only have three friends that I actually care about, and my parents divorce. If I don't like parties, then I just don't like them. And no one can make me go.

A new gust of cold air blows across my face, making it even more numb than it is.

Clair's talks usually last around seven minutes, one time I even timed it in my head. She's a talker and she can talk until someone shuts her up. But I don't intend to do so because sometimes, it's okay to just sit and watch the things around you.

As Clair babbles on, I watch kids get into cars and then I watch the cars drive away. I spot the kid who got sent to the principal's office earlier in the year, because he yelled at our history teacher for giving 'too much homework'. I see a few girls huddled together talking. I figure they must be gossiping because of their low voices.

My attention is turned away from the flow of people when I catch something move across the parking lot, at the edge of the Stoney Ray Woods, the woods that surround one side of this high school. I squint my eyes, trying to get a better view of what was in the woods.

Had it been a skunk? Maybe even a coyote? A cold feeling began to flood through me, the feeling of fear, and the feeling that I was vulnerable. Was something really in the woods or was I making this all up?

I squint more, Clair's voice starting to really fade out as my mind started working and asking questions. There weren't supposed to be creatures inside the Stoney Ray Woods, except maybe some rabbits and mice.

Then, horror struck me cold as what I had glimpsed, emerged. I still couldn't see it clearly, but it seemed to he huge, definitely bigger than a car. The creature stood on two legs and had two arms like a human, but unlike a human, there was dark black fur sticking out of where it's skin should have been.

As it came closer, walking on it's large, muscular legs, I made out huge paw-like hands and feet.

A tail seemed to keep this creature balanced. It was long and thick, but didn't look silky or smooth. It seemed rough and sharp, almost jagged looking.

But the face was worst of all. Although seemingly human, as this creature, no, monster, came towards the school, I could make out more of its face. A long snout, almost like a dog's, was planted on the rounded head that looked like a humans, except, larger.

The eyes had been replaced with seemingly, glowing crimson flames. It's long teeth showed from under it's lip and two pointy ears where atop this creature's head.

My mind began to move sluggishly as this best marched towards the high school.

Towards the cars and the kids. Towards me. I could feel it's rasping emotions as it came closer.

Get the girl! Kill her! Kill her and never think twice!

When I finally realized I needed to do something, this creature was already at the edge of the parking lot. I found that my hands couldn't move

I couldn't seem to move.

I was paralyzed with fear of this beast. Why wasn't anyone doing anything? Calling for help, or 911? What the heck was going on!

Just stay calm, and show Clair.

I repeated this in my head until I was finally able to move. I turned towards Clair, the paralyzing fear seeming to wear off some.

"C-Clair! Look o-over there!" My voice came out quiet and feeble, very it seemed to cary a kind of urgency.

Clair looked at me, then gave the parking lot a big sweep of her eyes, and then her eyes rested on me again. "What the heck Cassidy, you look like you've seen a ghost! Are you really that scared to go to a party?"

"No, LOOK!" My voice finally came to me and I was able to speak louder. I pointed at the creature. It stood at the edge of the parking lot, watching the cats drive by.

Why the heck wasn't anyone reacting to this!

Just as Clair drew in a breath to say something, I heard the barking of a dog. It was loud and close. I snapped my head around to see my Mom's large Honda pull into sight from around the corner.

Cosmo!

My dog, Cosmo, had his head out the rear window and his paws scraping the glass. Any normal person would probably think he was being tortured in the car! He barked and barked, sounding loud and angry.

The creature at the edge of the parking lot looked right at my dog. It's crimson eyes blazed but now it seemed intimidated. It took a few steps back, and when I glanced black at Cosmo, he was trying to shove his nose out of the window that was going up.

The creature took one glance at me. The paralyzing fear was back now, and strong. This creature's glowing crimson eyes seemed to burn right through mine and into my soul.

Then the moment was over. The creature turned and lumbered back into the woods, not leaving any sign that it had ever been there.

Cosmo's barks could still be heard from my Mom's Honda and I could see her motioning for me to hurry up. Something snapped in my mind and I shakily clenched my backpack, slowly getting up. My mind seemed to be stuck on the image of that creature looking at me.

It wanted me.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
aether
Review
aether wrote a review Review · Nov 7, 2016

Hiya! Coffee coming at you with a review :3


and cold seeps into my cloths.


Change ‘cloths’ to ‘clothes’.

"Hey, Cassidy!" I look around the crowd of high schoolers and catch sight of the bright pink NorthFace jacket that I know too well.


I like how you describe Clair’s main characteristic before actually introducing her to the story. This is super effective not only in establishing the characters’ relationship but also giving the character ‘colour’ or a sense of realness.

trying to get my half-frozen face to turn a smile.


I think the word ‘form’ would work better than ‘turn’ here.

I've always told Clair that her style is crazy, but she just goes with whatever she likes. I suppose that's good because I'm too shy to ever be like that.


You’ve done a brilliant job creating a strong character voice. Sentences like this really help develop characters and make them relatable.

"I'm okay, but omigosh did you hear about the party that Lily Jerkins is throwing! I literally can't even wait! Are you going?"


Haha again, great character voice using colloquial language.

but I'm not one for parties. At all.


The super short sentence is super effective!

and my parents divorce.


Add apostrophe on the end: parents’ divorce.

But I don't intend to do so because sometimes, it's okay to just sit and watch the things around you.


Whoa, this just went a whole new layer of deep. Wise or reflective words like this are what separate boring teen fiction from teen fiction that ‘stands out’.

A tail seemed to keep this creature balanced. It was long and thick, but didn't look silky or smooth. It seemed rough and sharp, almost jagged looking.


Love the description. Words like ‘rough’, ‘sharp’ and ‘jagged’ do wonders in conveying a memorable first impression.

The eyes had been replaced with seemingly, glowing crimson flames.


Lovin’ this imagery. Good stuff.

My mind began to move sluggishly as this best marched towards the high school.


Replace ‘best’ with ‘beast’

It wanted me.


Oh snap. That ending was so intense and suspenseful. Very nice.


Overall analysis:

Your character creation throughout this chapter is excellent. Believe it or not, a lot of writers have difficulty creating believable, relatable and fun characters like you have. I definitely can recognize this as your strong suite. Well done!

Just a word of caution: be careful with stereotypes. I find that stereotypes can actually be quite useful in stories, as long as the writer also adds a touch of originality to those stereotypes… does that make sense?

I know you said you haven’t done proofreading yet because it got to late, but I would kindly suggest not to post anything on YWS until after you’ve done so. That way you can save us reviewers from only correcting that stuff and nothing else. I also found that editing my own spelling/grammar helped so much to improve my own writing.

Anyways, keep up that fabulous writing or yours! I’m sure the rest of this story will be most exciting.

Thank you so much for this review! I will be sure to correct my errors, and to read over my work (I actually have but forgot to take that off, sorry) And I'm glad you like my charcaters--your right, that is my strong suit. But I'm horrible with getting my plots written down...couldn't do it for the life of me.
Anyway, thanks again!

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DeadlyAF Comment
DeadlyAF commented Comment · Nov 3, 2016

Hey! You did really well with the rewriting. Methinks I'm going to continue with this story after all. I liked how you gave us enough time to get accustomed to the protagonist's mindset. And I also liked the way you described how she felt when she saw the beast! There are many grammatical mistakes though, I'll list them below to help you out a bit .:)

"My mom is is such a workaholic"
My mom is such a workaholic*

"one corner of the front of the school"
Methinks "one corner in front of the school"* would sound better!

"let our one of the metal mouth smiles"
Let out one of the metal mouth smiles*

"I toon Clair's voice"
I tune Clair's voice..*

"I toon her out"
I tune her out...*

"ears where atop"
Ears were atop*

"watching the cats drive by"
Watching the cars drive by*

Anyways that's all for now! I love this chapter by the easy. And I'm hoping to read more of this story.

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DeadlyAF Review
DeadlyAF wrote a review Review · Nov 2, 2016

Okay so lets get started. The title intrigued me when I saw it in the green room, and the ending of this chapter was good. Although I have to say I was expecting this story to enrapture me more than it did.
I'm not going to say it was a great start to the story but it was nice. Always remember that the first chapter of the story determines where the story is going, which was a little confusing. I totally connected with the protagonist so that was nice. Although I do suggest that you do something to actually capture the reader's attention.Also there are a lot of grammatical errors so please proof read the chapters before posting them.
But all in all methinks I'm going to give this story a try. :)

Thanks for the review! I also, wasn't very satisfied with this chapter. It was very out-of-place for what my story will be going at. So I 100% re-wrote this chapter! I hope you'll read it again--I am sure you will find this chapter much more intriguing :D



No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words