Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I know I'm awake. I keep my eyes closed though, almost as if I'm trying to fool myself into thinking I'm asleep. Eventually, I know I'll have to face the world and continue to look for a job, as exhausting as that is. So I sit up and I fling the covers off of my bed. I feel my skin pucker into goosebumps and I rub my legs, trying to preserve the shave I had so painstakingly worked on the night before.
After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I check the clock. It's about 8 am, so I have an hour and a half before I have to get to my interview at the publishing company. I slip on some nylons and pray to God they don't have runs in them. Today is my lucky day. I feel my cheeks pull back in a smile and take this as a good omen. No runs in nylons equals a good day. Then I slip on some slacks. I like having the full length nylons under my dress pants because it's more comfortable for me that way. Next I put on a blouse.
My favorite pink blouse doesn't fit. The fabric that clings to the front buttons is stretched, the space between the buttons is pulled apart and reveals my skin. I knew I should've taken the lady's advice at the store. My blouse can't withstand my baby bump. Time to find another shirt.
I finally find a nice blouse that looks presentable, and I turn to look at a profile view of myself in the mirror. My swollen belly is obvious when I turn it this angle, and I rest my hands on it. I can't believe that I actually have something living and growing inside of me. The thought of my precious baby transports me back to the memories of him. Babies don't come out of nowhere. There is a process behind life.
I remember how his blue eyes used to stare into my soul with so much intensity I thought he could read my mind. I remember how mind blowing and intense everything was, how much love I felt when we slept together, both literally and figuratively. And then he left. But not before he took away my job, my money and anything in my apartment of value. I hate him, but at the same time I yearn for him. He left his child as soon as he found out about her.
Her. My baby is a girl, I just know it. We will be two strong women against the world. Against this cruel world of men. I will teach her to make her own life. She will always be loved. I will never let her think she is a mistake, even if that's what her Daddy thought.
I glance at the clock and realize I have to go if I'm going to be on time. So I grab my nicest coat, put on the only good pair of professional shoes I own, and head out the door. As I walk to my taxi, I put my hands protectively over my belly. I can't wait to meet her, my little baby girl. She and I will be together. No one will keep us apart. Even if I'm wrong and my baby isn't a girl, we will wake up and face the day, everyday, together.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Wow. The detail you put into this is just astonishing. Everything just seems so... smooth and realistic. I really like that aspect of this, being that it makes the work a lot more readable. I also like the fact that you put it in first person, thus making the work relatable to the reader. The fact that you can really see the narrator's thoughts and actions through their own eyes is quite nice. Better still, there's no grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. Everything about this piece is nice. Great story!
~Cirute
Hi Gravity! Lucrezia here for a review.
This has to be like my thirtieth review for you. You just can't get rid of me. XD
Okay, on that note, let me start by saying this was fantastic! Both the reviewers before me called it "nice," but I'm not going to... I'm going to call it awesome! Which, by the way, it totally was.
(Sorry if I'm sounding like an enthusiastic weirdo, I'm sick in bed and mildly delirious.)
Anyway! I really, really loved this. I thought it flowed nicely, and it was so short yet it felt like it was longer because of the intimate details given. This part in particular:
That might be my favorite part of the whole piece. The emotion is so raw and crazy realistic. One minor thing though is that "mind" is a bit repetitive at the beginning there, but honestly I can overlook that because of how perfect this paragraph is otherwise.
I really don't have any nitpicks. Which is great in itself. The story was to the point, a slice of life, which is just what a short should be. I feel like I know this woman already. And her emotion and voice is so strong I had to double-check your age to see whether or not you'd actually gone through this LOL (I'm going to assume not) because of how real it all seemed.
Great work!
I thought this was nice and sweet, and fit well into the short story category. You express yourself well, and it's easy to understand that the main character is very much in love with her growing child and can't wait for it to be born. This is actually surprising because, a lot of the time, when women are left without their companions to take care of a child, they often resent it, but you do a great job of telling the opposite.
There are some grammatical errors that need to be fixed,
"I remember how is blue eyes...."
There needs to be an H before the is. But other than that, it's a well rounded short.
Thank you defyingravity01!
Hi there,
I thought this was nice. I think it might need to be re-drafted once more just to make sure everything flows, because I feel there's something missing. I'm not quite sure what it is, just something.
Anyway, I thought the idea was really nice, and I like the way you wrote about a woman so alone but refusing to feel alone because she's got a baby inside her.
Just some nitpicks:
'I grab my nicest coast, put on the nicest part of shoes.'
I would probably omit using the word 'nicest' twice in one sentence. Right click, synonyms in Microsoft Word is your best friend for this. There are a hundred different words you could use, so explore them and be creative. Even think about describing them a little. What colour are they? Matching? Mis-matching? It'll give a little insight into her character and what kind of person she is.
Another thing is this:
'I remember how is blue eyes used to stare into my soul'
I think you mean 'his blue eyes.' But also, I think it's a little cliched. Try and be more original and say something like 'I can recall the feel of his eyes, staring right past my eyes and into piercing the veil into my soul.' or something. I'm not even sure I like the idea of 'soul'. It's up to you on that one, I'm just calling it how I see it
Anyway, I think this has got really good potential. You should consider extending it and writing a new chapter. It needn't be a long story, but just a new chapters long into a window of this woman's life. It'll be really good for practice as well. As I mentioned, try to add bits of information that let the reader know what kind of person this woman is.
I also recommend you reading more work, such as actual published pieces and novels. Just general fiction is really good. Try 'The Butterfly House' by Marcia Preston, your work reminds me of hers a little.
Good job and carry on writing,
H.L.P