A Rose Without Her Sky

Her stem is hunched, her petals closed. Even her green leaves sag.

But then, the Sky.

"Why Rose, why are you so sad?"

Rose straightens up, peeking out of her petals just enough to respond. "I'm lonely," she says. And then she closes back up, afraid to let anybody see her.

"Of course you're lonely, your petals are all closed up," says Sky, "Open up for me, show me what you truly are."

She opens her petals a little more, staring up at him, "I'm scared," she says, "and you're so far away from me."

"I'm never too far away," says Sky, "Just open up for me."

So tentatively, Rose opens her petals. "Like this?" she stands there, wide open for him to see.

"You," Sky pauses, "Are so beautiful,"

"I need you, Sky," Rose says, "I need you to be closer to me."

"I can't, Rose, I have to be Sky, I have to be up here," he says sadly, and Rose begins to weep, wishing he would just come down so she could see him. Feel him.

"Please, Sky," she begs.

"I can't come see you Rose, I have to be here. Don't you understand?" and then Sky begins to grow dark as night approaches.

"Please come back," Rose pleads, "We can find a way."

"That's alright," Sky says, "I think everything that needed to be said has been said." And then Sky departs, leaving blackness in his wake.

Rose sobs, closing her petals once more, not even trying to see the stars shining through the darkness that Sky left behind. And one by one, stars begin falling to the ground, igniting Rose's world until she can't ignore it anymore

"What's going on?" Rose asks, unfurling her petals once again to reveal the electric world around her.

"I told you Rose," says Sky, taking the shape of a fiery flower in front of her, "Everything that needed to be said has been said," and as he leans in to kiss her, Rose realizes:

Sky was just a star all along.

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Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:37 am

SofieR wrote a review...

Hey There! Sofie here with a review

Firstly, this is was a really nice read. Very poetic, almost like reading song lyrics.

If I have any criticism, like Lightsong already pointed out, I might be a little more clear at the beginning and give the reader some guidance that what's happening should be taken in a literal sense. I also might change some of the adjectives, like "fiery flower" and "Electric world". for example. Maybe something a little more simple, like "red flower" would be better.

Other than that, I don't really have any other criticisms. Great work, and keep writing!

- Sofie

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Fri Sep 08, 2017 3:27 pm

Lightsong wrote a review...

Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review.

"I need you, Sky," Rose says, "I need you to be closer to me."

"I can't, Rose, I have to be Sky, I have to be up here," he says sadly, and Rose begins to weep, wishing he would just come down so she could see him. Feel him.

Until this part, I feel like the story is a metaphorical one about erotica, but I'm wrong. I guess the simplistic delivery leaves much for readers to interpret to the point where, if the part after this one doesn't exist, erotic metaphors are good a claim for the opening of petals and how rose wants to feel the sky. I think perhaps being more specific not in the form of explanation but rather in details would provide some reassurance to readers that what's happening should be taken in a literal sense, though of course the message isn't as clear, just as it should be.

"That's alright," Sky says, "I think everything that needed to be said has been said." And then Sky departs, leaving blackness in his wake.

Considering how the narrative leading to this has firmly stick in the accuracy of science, proven by how Sky says he has to be up there, this part stands out like something that is outside logical sense. How can a sky depart? Isn't the blackness is the sky when the night takes reign? I can understand how the darkness signify the absence of Sky, but perhaps you can say there are two different Skies, such as the clear blue one Rose wants to get close to and the darkening one which might be not personified. Or you can say that when the sky darkening shows his resting time, something like that.

And one by one, stars begin falling to the ground, igniting Rose's world until she can't ignore it anymore.

I can imagine depending on the size of the stars they can fall to the ground, but this part here is more beautiful if taken in a fantastical sense, where I see the stars as these sparkling lights falling to the ground and brightening it. It's a gorgeous imagery, really, and I applaud you for that. Here I can see there's an extend of logic in the story, or even some negligence or rejection of it. I would suggest to make the surrealism consistent from the beginning though, making the Sky unable to go down as something that is related to the timing rather than to science.

In a romantic sense, I like the theme going on here. I like how Sky tries to encourage Rose to open up and shows more of her personality, making her existence appreciated rather than just acknowledged in a glance. I also like how there's some sort of character development in Sky where he doesn't let his responsibility or destiny to control his life and would rather go down to meet with his lover. At least, this is how I take it. The message is important, in my opinion.

And that is all! Keep up the good job!

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Fri Sep 08, 2017 12:54 am

ajruby12 wrote a review...

Hey, AJ here for a quick review!

Aww, this is such a beautiful story! It's simple and short, but still very lovely use of wording. Just a few things I'd like to point out:

- I know I just said this is a lovely length, but I think it could benefit from just a few more sentences, particularly at the beginning and at the point where the stars begin falling. That section feels pretty abrupt to me.

- "But then, the Sky." When I read this, I just imagine the sky just dashing on stage, doing jazz hands. Is there a word or words missing here?

- ""I can't come see you Rose, I have to be here. Don't you understand?" and then Sky begins to grow dark as night approaches." I would take out the 'and'. Maybe even reword it, like "As the night approaches, the Sky begins to grow dark" or something along those lines.

- Also, why are there stars falling on the ground? That doesn't seem to be a very normal occurrence.
I envision the stars appearing in the sky, then 'Sky' coming down like a comet or something to the ground. But of course you may do whatever you please with it. It is your story!

Overall, I like this. It made my heart happy reading it.

Keep on writing, and happy RevMo!
-AJ

Points: 709
Reviews: 11

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Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:31 pm

marie1larsen wrote a review...

This is a beautiful short story. The rose is making sense of its surroundings, not realizing that the sky is giving it the light it needs. In my understanding, the encouragement of the sky represents the nourishment the rose needs.

The sky is encouraging.
The rose is weak, only at first though, because it becomes stronger and then smarter after the sky says "Everything that needed to be said has been said" and when it realizes the sky is actually a star.

The darkness that replaces the sky gives the rose sadness, but it also helps the rose realize what the sky is.

This story is poetic and beautiful.

Thank you for sharing.

Young Writers Society

A Rose Without Her Sky

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