The Mob Boss

by Gravity

Published September 14, 2013

12+ Violence

In Short Stories

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When I stepped into the food court of the mall, the sounds hit me all at once. I could hear the constant chatter, and movement of everyone. Sounds echoed off the walls, and within two minutes; I had a headache.

I sat down at a table that seated six. Four other people were going to meet me here, and not a single one of them was here yet. I scanned the mall for any sign of familiar faces, but there were none to be had. So I sat back, relaxed, and tried to block out the deafening noises of the mall.

I saw a man in the crowd. He had brown hair, was tall, and was wearing a trench coat. A hat covered his eyes. I knew that underneath, his eyes were black, but not blacker than his soul. Nothing could be more black than his soul. This man's name was Shane Alloway. He is the man that killed my father just a few months ago. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to show up after what he did.

My father had been a mob boss. The highest ranking boss in our family. I was his daughter, which made me his successor. We took money from those who wanted anything as simple as protection; or as complicated as a smuggling. Being the daughter of a mob boss was tough. Especially when my Uncle Giovani died. Two years later, my father was killed in a bombing. This man, Shane Alloway, was responsible for it. The mob council, my father's remaining four siblings, were meeting with me that day. We were going to try to develop a plan to get revenge on Alloway, and eliminate him.

Shane spotted my face. He smirked and walked over. There was confidence in his stride, and I knew that he had found out about the meeting. I checked my watch. My Aunt and Uncles were late. They were never late. They had always said tardiness was bad for business. Something was horribly wrong. I gritted my teeth, and tried to look menacing. Judging by his expression; I wasn't doing a great job.

"Hello, Caterina. How very nice to see you so soon after your father's death," He said smugly. "Oh, and you're still mourning. How adorable." I did my best to not glance down at my plain, black dress.

"Well Shane, I can't say I'm glad to see you. Your hair is just as greasy as ever. It's good to see you haven't taken the liberty to wash it just because my father died." I pursued my lips and watched his face turn red in anger. Satisfaction coursed through my veins. The corners of my mouth twitched slightly into a smile.

"That just cost your Uncle Alfonso his life. Care to go any further?" I wasn't sure if he was bluffing, but I wasn't willing to take that chance. If he hadn't already, I couldn't let him harm my Uncles or my Aunt. The rest of the family would blame me, and overthrow me as mob boss. Sure, I wasn't thrilled about my title. However, I still owed it to my father to run things the way he wanted them run.

"What do you want?" I asked. He said nothing in response. At first I was unsure if he had heard me, until I felt something cold and hard press against my stomach. I slowly glanced down. It was a gun. A small handgun, but still deadly. Shane's cold, black eyes glittered with blood lust when he opened his mouth to speak.

"I want you dead." And he pulled the trigger.

My body slumped against the back of the chair. People were screaming as he got up, and swiftly folded himself into the crowd. The bang had alerted mall security, and they were closing in. My vision went blurry. My breaths became quick and shallow. Blood spilled from my gut, and I cursed myself for not wearing a bulletproof vest before I went into shock. People were still screaming, and phone calls were being made. My head was pounding from the noise, but before long; everything began to fade.

I blinked sleepily. All I wanted was to go to sleep. Somebody was holding my hand, and shaking me.

"Stay with me. Just stay with me. You're going to be okay, we will get you help. But you have to stay conscious or you will die."

I wanted to listen to this nice man who was speaking so calmly. However, I wanted sleep. I wanted sleep more badly than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I looked at the bandages being held against my wound. I watched as they turned red from my blood. My eyes focused on the red. Until gradually, everything went black.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Blackwood
Review
Blackwood wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

I could hear the constant chatter, and movement of everyone.

You could hear the movement of everyone?

Sounds echoed off the walls

Completely unlikely, you are in a crowded mall, the bodies are going to absorb the soundwaves, between your ears and the walls there will be no way the sounds could echo interrupted unless it was an extremely vast empty space.

but there were none to be had.

This doesn't make sense.

I saw a man in the crowd. He had brown hair, was tall, and was wearing a trench coat. A hat covered his eyes.

I think you should combine the sentence so its like this:
I saw a man in the crowd. He had brown hair, was tall, was wearing a trench coat and a hat covered his eyes.

Your hair is just as greasy as ever. It's good to see you haven't taken the liberty to wash it just because my father died.

this is an odd thing to say...

Overall I really liked this despite some confusing moments, the story as a whole was good, I enjoyed reading it and I especially enjoyed the ending.

Where do you see the "but there was none to be had" part? And it's really not an odd thing to say when you think about it. Caterina is basically saying "It's good to see you haven't done anything different out of respect for my father" And she throws in the greasy hair comment because sassy is in her personality. That, and I wanted to add a tad of humor. I'm glad you liked it, and the last line is my absolute fav part :)

User avatar
UnicornSmilz
Comment
UnicornSmilz commented Comment · Sep 28, 2013

All i can say is that mob boss or boss was kind of repetitive. I think this was a wonderfully well written story and is there going to be a part 2. I really hope there is. Um i love your writing, and i have a lot to learn from you. Thank you for writing this!
:)
Unicorn Freak

IntellectualBacon wrote a review Review · Sep 17, 2013

I can't really find much to critique on, besides some small details. In the sentence:
"We took money from those who wanted anything as simple as protection; or as complicated as a smuggling."
I don't think that the ";" is needed. Rather, you should put "We took money from those who wanted anything as simple as protection - or as complicated as smuggling."
Also, it'd be great - especially from such an intriguing story/start as this - to hear some more background about either Caterina or her father. I'm dying to know more about her relationship with her father or other relatives.
However, this writing was spot on, and I loved the concept. Can't wait to hear from you again!

-Bacon

User avatar
ajruby12
Review
ajruby12 wrote a review Review · Sep 15, 2013

Hey! ajruby12 here to give a review!
I really like the idea of a female Mob boss and I like the way you developed the main character. But there are a couple things I'd like to comment on.

1. DETAILS!! You did a good job with interesting words but background was a bit confusing. But I understand if you want to draw people in with questions but I think more background would help people understand and be even more interested! Also, I agree that she didn't really seem to care about her Aunt and Uncle that much, which didn't seem to fit her personality quite right.
2. PLOT!! I don't really understand what exactly the plot is for this.. And again, I realize you might be wanting to follow this up, but I think more background would make a huge difference. But I enjoyed reading this and hope to read more in the future!

Yeah, I agreed I needed to develop the characters of the Aunt and Uncles, and Caterina's relationship to them. However, it says very clearly in the story that the plot is that Caterina and her Aunt and Uncles are trying to get revenge on Shane Alloway for killing Caterina's dad.

I'm not trying to be defensive, but it's right there in the story. Thanks for your review :)

Ah.. For me, I didn't tie those things together. But it could be just me, I suppose.

User avatar
Kevikur
Review
Kevikur wrote a review Review · Sep 15, 2013

Hello I'm Kev, and welcome to YWS! I find gang/mob ideas always catch my interest and you really took the idea out of the box to have the main character a female instead of male. I liked her attitude: it wasn't overly sassy and annoying, but yet honest and rough.

Your writing style is awesome. One of my favorite lines was "People were screaming as he got up, and swiftly folded himself into the crowd." I liked the use of the word folded for some reason. It works well to develop the image of him just disappearing.

I would have loved if you had perhaps drawn out the scene a bit more, giving us some hearty descriptions and more of what was going on. Caternia suddenly mentioned her Aunt and Uncles and assumed they were captured-- it was kind of like she took it with a grain of salt and didn't react too much to it. If you had perhaps touched up on Caternia's relationship with them, without weighing down the story, it would have helped the reader feel more sympathetic and gave the story some action and sense of urgency. Reading, it didn't seem to have much going on or descriptions of the scenery. In short, all that happened was she said something snarky and got shot. That didn't quite give her enough justice as a character.

There are a couple grammar errors but if you read through I'm sure you'll find them with no problem! Howver, something that occurs continuely throughout your story are commas that don't belong. For instance, the comma in "People were screaming as he got up, and swiftly folded himself into the crowd." doesn't need to be there because there's no need for a pause.

I really do love your writing, and be sure to keep it up! Let me know how you like YWS and tell me when you have your next story up!

Thanks. I am VERY comma happy. One of my issues as a newbie author is trying to eliminate those commas. I'm really glad you liked the story. I agree with you, I definitely do need to add more details about Caterina's Aunt and Uncles. I'm really happy that you like my writing style, I was a little unsure of myself because this is the first short story I've really ever let anyone read. Thank you SO much. I'm really beginning to love YWS.

I would be more than happy to go through and take out the commas that I believe don't belong, then PM the edited story back to you. Just let me know. You have so much talent, and I know that we all second guess ourselves, but never be hesitant to post a story here. Most of the time your worries will be for nothing-- people will like/comment/review regardless and you can acquire some fans (like me). And I'm so glad you like YWS!



Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak