Literally wrote this five min ago, so the title is still a little up in the air
Her dreary whisper of an unfiltered blue,
Casts the flourishing shadow of
Tangible sorrow through the dark chill
Of an evening wind.
Her once radiant descant
Now taint by this bitter night;
Her words -- hesitant and withdrawn --
lose meaning to the frigid ears
of rumored friends...
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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
Hello~
I'd like to put this into your sentences you you can read it without all the new lines getting in the way.
"Her dreary whisper of an unfiltered blue, casts the flourishing shadow of tangible sorrow through the dark chill of an evening wind." Okay, beautiful, descriptive sentence, but... Let's simplify this, shall we? Let's remove all the fancy words that makes it sound nice and see what we have left.
"Her wisper of an unfiltered blue, casts the shadow of tangible sorrow through the chill of wind." This doesn't really make much sense. I'm sorry. I know poems don't have to make sense, but I feel like you're being poetic for the sake of being poetic. Not because you actually have something to say. I'm sorry that sounded so harsh. This line tells me nothing. There's some whisper and some how the sorrow is touchable and... I don't even know. It's all very floral. Maybe I'm missing some strange symbolism that I don't understand, but I'm just confused.
"Her once radiant descant now taint by this bitter night; her words -- hesitant and withdrawn -- lose meaning to the frigid ears of rumored friends..." Let's do the same with this sentence.
"Her once beautiful song, now ruined by the night; her words lose meaning to her pretended friends." This line makes a little more sense, this girl who was pure before, has now been tainted by something dark and now her friends have left her. Or something. It's kind of hard to tell with all those words (I know they're beautiful, but still) in the way.
Think of what you're trying to say and say it. Don't just write for the heck of being poetic. I'm sorry if there IS a deeper meaning that I have missed. It's happened before. Also, as I've been told before, not every poem has to have a meaning. I just think the ones that don't are silly and shouldn't really be praised as genius works of literature.
A technical problem: "taint" should be "tainted."
You have the bones for a really nice poem here. And remember, there's nothing wrong with floral language, so much as it makes sense in context.
Keep writing!
~fortis
I really love this poem! I can totally see the girl, like the sun, once elated, but now covered by the darkness of silence. I was only a bit confused on the second line. I really like the vivid vocabulary. Keep up the good work!
Hi,Gcracker051595.So here is Dark to give review on your poem.
First of all,it is a poem that means here. I really like the diction in your poem that seems outspoken and convincing. It thus provides a deep emotion to the reader. Although there is an inaccurate use of the words, I still love the theme of the poem here.
# Her words -- hesitant and withdrawn --
lose meaning to the frigid ears -->This is my favorite stanza anyway.
Just wanna point up a little thing that doesn't seem right here:
# Her dreary whisper of an unfiltered blue,
Casts the flourishing shadow of -->This lines look odd and the element of Metaphor(A metaphor is a figure of speech that describes a subject by asserting that it is, on some point of comparison, the same as another otherwise unrelated object)*Wiki, here doesn't work so well.
Anyway,you doing a great job here,so keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Hello there!
Nice little poem you have here. Lets give you a review.
First things first, when I read this line:
It feel very out of place because of the 'of'. it seemed a bit abrupt of an end and didn't flow nicely.
Secondly I think that the poem would look nicer if you didn't capitalize ever line. Also you punctuation is there but wrong in the second half. Like so-
Her once radiant descant,
now taint by this bitter night.
Her words; hesitant and withdrawn,
lose meaning to the frigid ears.......
you'll also notice I didn't like the ---- things, I think they were unnecessary and punctuation would work better as they are distracting to the eye.
I like your imagery in this poetry, very nice. Good job.
Hey, HT here to review. You are one of the thirteen that I hopefully will finish before the clock strikes twelve.
Stick this in a spoiler or italicize it, bold it out, underline it, it doesn't really matter. But you need to distinguish this as an author note (AN) and separate it from the rest of the story. We (the readers) get what you are saying, it just needs to be somewhat official.
I'm not entirely sure what topic/plot you are going for here, but I think (and I could totally be wrong) that there is a girl who is surrounded by people who are her "rumored" friends. They don't like her, they don't really care.
If that was what you were going for, you got it!
If not.................you need to work on it a little.
Punctuation, grammar, spelling all check out.
In my personal opinion you don't need to capitalize the first letter of every line, but that is up to you.
You should also consider breaking this up into stanzas, but that's just what I think. If you don't want to, that's totally acceptable.
Peace,
HT