My Father was recently re-married, he asked my brother and me to be the best men. I wrote this poem as a toast to my Father and the love of his life, hoping to portray their love through my words, so I hope y'all enjoy!
The perfect need is waiting
an eternity for a soft kiss;
The breathtaking whisper of a
tender vision rolling with beauty,
engulfing the treasure with desire;
A loyal friend seeking laughter
as a faithful lover...
Desire is a sacred warmth
lost through cold conversations.
So Sing her a quiet beautiful song
and dance together through the sky.
Seek the uncharted empire
deep within each other's eyes.
Love is a firefly; lighting up
sporadically inside your thoughts
playing a delicate game with your mind.
Flirting with your brain,
the firefly brings warmth and hope
a reassurance of the heart,
lifting you off the ground
flying you to the clouds.
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139,614 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Hey Cracks
Umaima here to do some commentary on this fine piece of work!
I will start with how great I thought it was. This poem was definitely one of my favorites and I really enjoyed reading it! The title was perfect and the poem told way more things than I imagined it to say. Due to the lack of time I am just going to go ahead and say my favorite lines and than one negative point which I felt in the poem.
"Desire is a sacred warmth
lost through cold conversations.
So Sing her a quiet beautiful song
and dance together through the sky.
Seek the uncharted empire
deep within each other's eyes."
This stanza was my favorite and I read it twice because I liked it really very much!
Negative point: There were some punctuation and grammar mistakes but I am sure if you reread this you will get them so I ain't mentioning also can you explain the formatting pattern in this poem because I haven't seen this formatting pattern before (as much as I remember)
Anyways, it was a great poem and I hope yu keep writing!
Umaima
Love it!! Great job on this. I like the story behind it as well. I really like the beat of this poem, it has a great rhythm. I love the way you describe things so differently than most people do... The one thing I didn't like or understand is the way you switch between the first stanza and the last two. In the first you seem to be describing your father's wedding and his love for his new partner, but in the second two you describe love. I think that's a little awkward. Other than that, I love this!!
This is gorgeous! I'm sure your father loved this. I think the story behind it adds a lot to the poem too, so thank you for sharing! The imagery is wonderful and I think this poem does an excellent job expressing love and its journey. It made me feel warm when I read it. "The breathtaking whisper of a/tender vision rolling with beauty" especially caught my attention. I think this has beautiful flow. Also, I love that you say "A loyal friend seeking laughter as a faithful lover." I think the world has forgotten that love has a lot to do with friendship, not just fiery passion. Thank you for sharing your wonderful piece of work!
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing again Liaya! IF i had to pick a favorite line from this piece it would be " A loyal friend seeking laughter as a faithful lover" Today's age is so full of divorce, which I think is because people forget to laugh with each other and have a good time. No matter how old you are or how long two people have been together there is still that main source of love which comes from simply being friends. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Cheers!
Graham
Hello, I am pandabear7, here to review!
First off, it is very beautiful and I bet your dad and his love, loved it. It is a great poem through your eyes. Great grammar by the way, I love this word "Sporadically" although I don't know what it means. Which I should so look it up, but anyways, I like the last part, "A reassurance of the heart, lifting you off the ground flying you into the clouds." I don't know why, but it is my favorite part!
Keep up the wonderful writing!
-panda
Hi Panda, Thank you for reading and I'm very glad you enjoyed it. Just to save you the trouble, sporadically means like randomly. Once again thanks for reading and for the review!
Cheers!
Graham