EUPHORIA
An enchanting bond
echoing with imperfections
whispers as a withering flower,
enchanting me with its fragrant perfumes;
As persistent as an aching hunger
that resonates within me.
Through a glorious vision
she trembles rhythmically
with a breathtaking melody,
waiting to encompass the
body of surrounding beauty.
The notes and rhythms
glide through my mind,
just like a swan floats down a river.
A shy hum begins to radiate
from my pen onto paper;
modulating into an elegant lullaby.
Her euphoric melody,
more joyous than the bird's,
enriches the angelic harmonies
mirrored in my psyche.
Say goodbye with a
gentle whisper to the solid ground.
Traveling on the wings of her hymn
I begin the heavenly ascent
to a serene cloud ...
Paradise.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,539 Reviews
Nice topic, Euphoria is a very poetic feeling as it is. The poem is very well written, and you do a good job personifying the emotion. I also like how you carry a positive message. That's rare in poems now days. You boast an interesting vocabulary!
So, I guess you're referring to music as a "her" in this poem? She seems to feature in most of the stanzas, but oddly not in the first, where I find my favorite line, one that I think you could potentially focus on more:
In this line and for a little bit afterward, you manage to avoid plainly speaking about music concretely. You don't go for the discussion of notes and trills and writing music as you do later when you say the pen hums as you put down the notes. And frankly I think this technique in the first stanza is much stronger -- I think of this character, even into the second stanza, as a woman instead of as music and I get more of an emotion out of her with the withering flower and the swan and the glorious vision in the woods than I do when you're speaking of just plain old music.
Consider making this poem about an extended metaphor. You know the woman is music and I know the woman is music, but write about the woman, not the music and see how much more emotion that can get out of you and communicated to the readers for their sake. She can still be heavenly and serene and paradise. That's no stretch. People have written about women that way for centuries.
It's just that mention of "pen to paper" really takes me out of that ethereal tone you're going for, and I think sticking with a person character would work better here!
Hope this review will be helpful to you! Good luck and keep writing. Let me know if you have any questions!
You use the word 'enchanted' twice in the first stanza. I don't know if it's supposed to be some sort of repetition, but it feels too random to be, so I'd take a look at that if I were you.
"she trembles rhythmically". I love that line.
There's something weird about ending a line with 'the' since, if I remember rightly, there's a slight emphasis on the last word of each line in a poem, and the is a strange word to highlight.
"The notes and rhythms." Maybe I just noticed this since I like the line I quoted before, but I wouldn't use rhthmically and rhythm in the same poem.
"just like a swan floats down a river": Great imagery, but I'd consider taking out the 'just'.
The poem has an easy, elegant feel to it that I really enjoy. Overall, a really grand job with this poem; I loved the emotion behind it and the overall concept of the poem.
Hope this review helped.
-tgirly
I actually just noticed the double usage of enchanted as i posted it, i did not do that intentionally at all and am currently trying to fix that. As for Rhythm and rhythmically, i find it more acceptable to leave the same since with the theme of the piece some words are very hard to replace and it isn't exact repetition. To your point about having extra emphasis on the last word of a line, I don't necessarily believe that is true. Perhaps it is in some pieces, but the way I write there is no pause between lines unless there is actual punctuation that calls for a pause, which would get rid of the extra stress on the last word. I must thank you though because you did point out some things that I did not notice on my own, and I will keep all of these comments in mind when writing in the future and when revising! Thank you again!
Cheers!
Graham
Your welcome! Glad I could help!
This poem has wings. You've captured the feeling of making music and listening to music perfectly. If this was a song, you're right on key. Good verb choices too! Modulating and resonates, radiate, echoes and encompassed....they're all such musical verbs.
They carry the poem nicely.
I don't even know if words can describe how good this piece is.
Go. Listen to your favorite song.
Because that's how this poem makes me feel.
Thank you so much! I was actually reminded very much of the meaning of tis poem tonight while attending a Cello recital. Such a beautiful thing music is. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Cheers!
Graham
Very pretty poem, I love it. Your descriptive words and metaphors are very well done. Great poem.
Keep it up!
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it!
Hey there, lyricalrebel here to review your work.
Frankly, I like your poem. I like metaphors and yours are truly melodic
The flow is good and sweet-sounding. I agree with everything written since I consider music as my escape to reality.
Keep it up!
Hahaha thank you! I'm glad you like it!