Thoughts to a Friend

'Ello there! I realize you don't want reviews on this, but when you publish a work, it's inevitably going to be reviewed. You can try posting it on your wall or blog, or in this thread: The "I wrote a poem, but don't need reviews" thread

In the meantime, I'll try to keep this quick:

The most glaring thing about this poem to me is the randomly italicized phrases. Is there any specific reason for that? Why do those words need particular emphasis? To me, it seems like you're trying to coax the reader into emphasizing words that are important in the rhythm. I really don't think that you need to do that, because the rhythm of the poem on its own will lead those words into having a bit of a natural emphasis. Adding italics is like adding emphasis to the emphasis, so it just ends up being like you're hitting us in the face with those words. I notice you do this in a lot of other poems as well. Try letting the rhythm of the poem speak for itself. The readers will pick up on it, because that's just the way we read.

I couldn't bare it

"Bare" is spelled "bear" in this context.

You do a good job balancing rhythm and rhyme in some parts, but in other parts, the rhyming is forced. Rhyming poems are tricky. You shouldn't have to contort other words in order to get something to fit a rhyme. The first example of this would be here:

Your tears flowed into a river,

your emotional fragility I should have considered:

The second line has too many syllables and is just phrased oddly. If you're writing a rhyming poem and you're having trouble finding something that rhymes with one line, consider changing that line before contorting the next one to fit with it. There are lots of ways you could have described tears that would have opened up a new word to rhyme on the second line. Then, there might have been another way to phrase it that wouldn't be forced.

Since getting rhythm and rhyme right can be so incredibly tricky, you definitely don't have to wake up tomorrow and write a rhythmically perfect 8-stanza poem or whatever. Maybe start with something smaller next time. Try to write one stanza that flows beautifully (without ignoring other poetic devices like imagery), and just keep practicing from there.

Also, make sure your rhyme scheme is consistent. You kept up rhyming couplets for most of the poem, but there were times when you rhymed four lines in a row. It kind of starts to sound like "the fat cat sat on a mat" when that happens, so just be mindful of that.

One more bit of advice on rhyming: Don't let your imagery suffer because you're so busy focusing on rhyming. You still need to be creating an image for the reading and drawing on sensory feelings. Sometimes, you tended to rely on clichè to do this (for instance, tears being a river). If you really want to explore great imagery, maybe dip your toes into free verse poetry. It gives you a lot more room to experiment. Here's a lovely article from our very own Knowledge Base that can help with imagery if you want to learn more about it!

Imagery

I did like how this was specific to you. I definitely got a sense of individualism, and I get the feeling that you have a clear idea of your voice. Sometimes, poetry can be kind of generic, but you did a good job putting your unique perspective on this, which I appreciated.

Overall, this definitely is rough around the edges, and I can tell that it's personal. I understand if you don't necessarily want to edit this poem, but I hope that you can see where my advice can be applied to future poems. I hope this was of some use! Keep on writing!