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(Labelled WEEDS)

by Frinderman


(Labelled WEEDS)

Have you always been

So soon to dismiss me?

In your Chanel poke-a-dot dress,

Black and white like your heart:

“Just blow him away

like the gentle florets

from dandelions

I tear from the earth,

without a second thought.”

~

In a garden of (labelled WEEDS)

A wish making dandelion

Is all I’ll ever be

But like the wish you pierced through my heart

And charred to ashes

With a quivering mutter

Under your soft searing lips,

I only wanted to know how it felt

To live in everyone else’s sunlight.

~

How sad that

I no longer am that sacred dandelion

For you to wish upon.

All that I am now

And ever will be to you,

Is a creeping thorn, too (labelled UNCOMFORTABLE)

For your garden of conformity.

~

The flower blossoms drip

And splatter

In the sensation of warmth,

Rejoicing the aroma of melting plastic

As burning rubber permeates the air.

The birds die and the butterflies flee;

Are you not happy with your (labelled PERFECT) garden?

~

Because,

At this point,

If scarlet dreams

And gold painted roses

Are all your heart desires,

Then don’t bother playing

With the weeds.

~

I ask that you don’t

Even look for me anymore, because

Unlike your (labelled BEAUTIFUL) petals

To be blown apart by wishes,

I’d rather stay beneath the leaves

And wither alone.


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120 Reviews


Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

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Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:37 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here. Felt like I should review this, even with Review Day so close.

The first thing that sticks out to me personally is the reiteration of the title at the beginning of the poem. I don't think it is necessary to repeat it, as you already have it in the title, as well as elsewhere in the poem.

I actually really like what you do with the (labelled WEEDS) and other parenthetical instances throughout the poem. It makes it stand out, and almost implies a synonym hidden beneath the 'label.' It ties the whole thing together. :D

I believe "poke-a-dot" is typically spelled "polka dot," though this could be completely intentional. I can definitely see it giving additional meaning through that spelling. Just pointing it out in case it was not intentional.

The portion of the first stanza with quotation marks seems slightly off. I realize that it is supposed to be a metaphorical quote, but it still throws me off since it doesn't sound like realistic dialogue, if that makes sense. I mean, the tone totally works with the rest of the piece, I think it's just those quotation marks throwing me off, but I have no clue how to offset that. Maybe phrase it as if he is addressing her, and get rid of the quote?

Throughout the whole poem, you use this constant theme of weeds and flowers and gardens, and I love it. :D It just conveys the main theme so well. Your use of descriptive language is simply beautiful. The consistent capitalization of lines works very well, in my opinion. It was a pleasure to read. I can't wait to read more of your poetry!




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Reviews: 44

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Wed Mar 22, 2017 4:24 pm
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Rosella wrote a review...



Small review just because you said no one has reviewed this yet and because I am in desperate need of points so lemme take a wack at this and hopefully write some actual constructive and helpful criticism

now, for my normal intro.

Hi there! Ro here for a review!

ok now that that is over, of course the first thing to notice of this poem is the big title. All caps. in parenthesis. hmm. I didn't understand the point in such a loud title until I actually read the poem. This can be a good thing because it makes the reader think "wow why would they make the title like this?" and read the poem. Yet, at the same time it is a bit.. useless? Throughout the poem the tone is set in a relatively calm mood, until we reached the bolded words in parenthesis, throwing the mood off. Putting these words in parenthesis AND bolding them seems a bit too much. Mainly because the rest of the poem is italicized. Now, lemme tackle this in the simplest way possible.

Italicizing words put emphasis on whatever you want to be emphasized.
You make the normal words italicized, which doesn't fit.
Bolding the words, putting them in parenthesis, AND capitalizing it obviously emphasize it, but it is too much.

What I am trying to say is- simply put the normal words in a straight font and put what you want emphasized italicized. Loud labels can throw the reader and tone off completely.

Now that I tackled the poem itself, lemme go back to the title. Now, the title is the same. Loud. Un-needed. Doesn't fit with the tone and theme of the poem.

The title itself has nothing wrong with it, neither do the words in the poem, but the format and way you portray it throws some people off.

this could simply ALL be a style choice, but it just doesn't... fit, you know?

Besides this, beautiful meaning and wording, as always. Always happy to read your poems.

hope this helped at all XD bai! keep writing!!





It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey