z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Recollection

by Frinderman


There’s something amidst, something I feel,

a chill in the breeze and a scent in the wind,

a shift in the sun, I wondered where you’d been.

Then a memory arose, one so surreal.

~

It was late afternoon.

~

The trees grew weary as they dropped their summer coats,

two sat at the forest’s edge to watch the river boats.

A delicate aroma, that of maple filled the air,

Lilium Casa Blanca, one sat perfectly on her ear.

~

The crunch of leaves beneath their bare feet,

she ran back into the woods for they both knew where to meet.

He followed after her, the sunset sparkled in her braids of hair,

not a cloud to be seen and nighttime faintly in the air.

~

To reach the clearing they ran so far;

of course it was his turn to bring the firefly jar.

He stopped his pursuit to catch the forest lights,

those orbs of flame filled him with delight.

~

On the hill, one silhouette as far as the eye could see,

necklace in hand, she waited under the oak tree.

~

A proclamation of love made with a permanent mark,

their two names were etched into the tree bark.

Forming a cross and lined with a heart,

two souls meant to be; they were never far apart.

~

He climbed up the hill and looked playfully over her shoulder,

she knocked him off his feet and the jar of light fell over.

Covered in warm golden flakes, they rolled in the leaves,

the fireflies flew out and lit the field of lilies.

~

She pinned him down and they giggled face to face,

swinging above his nose, he noticed the necklace.

A gift of green gem stone, she had always cherished,

his present glistened on her skin, so soft and fairish.

~

The sun began to set.

~

He never looked for anything more, her affection was enough,

he loved everything about her but this always left him awestruck:

~

The leaves stuck to her stockings, the golden glow in her eyes,

she untied the braids and her hair fell down her thighs.

She rarely did this because her hair was so long,

beautiful and uncut, to her ankles it had gone.

~

Her symbol of unsevered faith, she protected all of it with care,

he was the only one she would let touch her stunning hair.

~

They waited together with anticipation, hands held tight,

as the night approached, the sun gave its last light.

Its golden rays swept the fields and left the horizon,

the moon was humble so the heavens brightened.

~

As abundant as sand, the night filled with stars

as constellations told the story of history’s scars.

The galaxy sparkled as if covered in glitter.

Across the expanse a comet then skittered.

~

His arm around her back, her head on his shoulder,

they held each other snug as the night grew colder.

Pure and untouched, they were innocent of

embracing the simple warmth of their tender love.

~

Something was special then, something the night had begotten,

a spark ignited something that could not have been forgotten.

But the story became blurred as it turned to grey,

recollections of that love began to fade.

~

Content with these feelings although they never last,

I opened my eyes and woke up from of the past.

~

Autumn had begun.


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18 Reviews


Points: 288
Reviews: 18

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Sat Oct 22, 2016 2:42 am
PenPacifist wrote a review...



Hello! My name is PenPacifist, and I will be reviewing your work today.

Your poem was wonderfully romantic. The imagery gave me a warm hug as I read. I could truly imagine the two characters you were describing and the beautiful love story you told. Autumn is such an amazing season, and I'm glad you picked it for the basis of your poem.

My only critique would be not to italicize so many words. I know you want to emphasize those words, but at one point it gets overwhelming to see all those italicized words. Since you decided to write your poem in couplets, I would say to have one italicized word per three couplets. I usually write my poems in stanzas of four to six lines, and I try to use no more than one italicized word.

Thank you for sharing you poem.




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53 Reviews


Points: 82
Reviews: 53

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Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:10 am
Killyouwithwords wrote a review...



Beautiful but sad. I know you said this was just a casual poem, so this review is going to be short. Overall it was a delightful, refreshing poem (perfect for this time of year). There were a few spots I thought could use improvement though, if you're up for a little constructive criticism.

#1: Try to avoid the passive tense, it ruins the flow of the poem. Instead of "the galaxy began to sparkle", try "the galaxy sparkled." Instead of "the heavens would brighten", try "the heavens brightened. Passive tense weakens writing (I've mistakenly used it so much I would know).

#2: "only to him, she would let touch her stunning hair." This is somewhat convoluted in its present form. Maybe it would make more sense if you said something like, "only him would she let touch her stunning hair."

#3: "Pure and untouched they were innocent of, embracing the simple warmth of their tender love." I know if you changed this you would have to find a new rhyme but it reads like they were innocent of embracing their tender love. If they were embracing it, why would they also be innocent of embracing it, as in they hadn't done it because they were innocent of the action? Just a thought!

There, I hope this was kind of short anyway. But really, this was such a beautiful poem. As a lover of Autumn I really appreciate the lovely imagery.






Oops, longer than I thought. But I hope it helped!



Frinderman says...


Thank you for the criticism, I understand how passive tense can weaken writing, I simply forgot to take that into account.
As for the your third point, my use of "innocent" refers to the fact that there was no inappropriate motives in their actions, which is why that verse began with the phrase, "Pure and untouched". This stanza held much meaning since often times people would suspect something of a couple together and alone at night, it was intentionally placed to deter those ideas, and to add a sense of youth to the poem.
Thank you so much though, I will revise this and likely make corrections if needed!




If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman