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by FireSpyGirl


So this is an essay I had to write for English class, practicing descriptive writing. It is about a nightmare I had when I was about 8 years old. Really appreciate reviews and suggestions!

A dark room. I have no idea how I got there, or where I am. Surprisingly though, I’m not scared. Even though I can’t feel my body, I can’t even see it. I know it’s there though. This feeling...I feel like I am drifting in an ocean of blackness, the waves gently rocking me. Suddenly I stop floating. I am laying on something hard. I can’t feel what kind of material it is, I can’t feel if it is cold or warm. I cannot feel.

A loud noise, and a bright spotlight comes on. I blink, adjusting my eyes to the sudden brightness. Fear is starting to grip me now, wrapping around me like a fist. My head moves up a little, and I am fixated on the spotlight though. I can’t look away, even though I want to. There is a girl standing in the spotlight, short brown hair, blue shorts, brown shoes, a pink jacket. Her glasses have dark lenses and the frames are spotted, like a leopard. She stands directly in the center of the spotlight. The dust beams dance around her like little fairies. I do not know how I know, but somehow, I know the girl is blind.

I hear a grunt to my side and turn my head. A very pale man, dressed all in black is pulling himself along on his stomach. There is a knife in his side, and he is crawling straight towards the girl. I am terrified now, but I can’t move. I feel it very strongly, this man is evil. Very evil. I know that this is his dream, and I am trapped inside. A memory hits me. The girl is slowly dying because of him, so why his he dreaming about her? Why is he the one with a knife in his side?

“Get up.”

I jump at the sound of the girls voice. She says it again. “Get up.”

The man looks at her, I can clearly see the hatred battling with the fact that he needs help. Why is she helping him though? He tried to kill her! She speaks again.

“Jake, get up. You can do it. I know you can.”

Jake looks up at the girl. He is sweating with the effort. He shakes his head, almost crying.

“I can’t. I can’t get up.”

 Somehow, I know that this girl is important to him, and yet he hates her with every fiber of his being. I am so scared now, all I can do is listen and hope neither one will notice me. The girl is still talking, repeating the same words. I feel his annoyance start to build. With a scream of pain and annoyance, he stands up, staggers forward a little, clutches at the knife in his side. He did it. He stood. The girl smiles at him and he says her name.


Everything goes black, and I hear screaming. My eyes fly open and I realize the screaming is mine. I just had a nightmare.

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27 Reviews

Points: 257
Reviews: 27

Wed Apr 03, 2019 3:01 am
Morgan wrote a review...

Hi there FireSpyGirl. I love your avatar by the way!

Anyway, I’m here for a review. I really enjoyed the fact that you used your dream for an essay. I don’t think I’ve ever done something like it before, mostly because my teacher is more specific in what she wants the essay to be about. But I really think that when you write something that you have experienced, it’s a lot easier to come up with what to write next. Especially if you’re the type of person who’s not a fan of writing. Plus, plagiarism won’t be likely to occur. Like I said, this was a really well-written essay. I honestly hope you got a good grade on it.

So there a few things that I caught, but they’re really not a big deal. The first one is the first sentence. It says, “A dark room.” I think that since this was something that you were experiencing, to start it off, maybe try something like, “I was in a dark room.” then explain about what you felt. Was it hollow or scary? Cold and mysterious, as if you felt as if something was lurking in the shadows? That sort of stuff.

Then it says, “so why his he dreaming about her.” I think “his” is supposed to be, “is”.

Like i said, don’t worry. They’re not that big of a mistakes. So don’t wrap yourself around it too much. You did a really good job here. Your descriptive writing was really well. You showed what you heard, saw, touched and all the other things that require descriptive writing. So, I hope that you had gotten a good grade on this.

Now, for suggestions. I’m going to be completely honest with you. I don’t think there is nothing really much to suggest to you because you were spot on with what you were trining to accomplish here. There was such great details, and i loved it. I like it when a write adds in all the details. It makes the written work come to life, and that is what you did here. So really good job, and there is nothing that I can suggest except to keep on writing. I look forward to more of your work.

Btw, little question. dreams are the best way to tell what you’re really feeling and thinking. If you’re having a bad day, and you’re stressing about something, usually you could dream about having anxiety and pressure. Dreams help interpret what the dreamer is feeling, thinking, or something that they’re remembered and kept in their head. So, did you like see a horror move before having this dream or something? Or did you like, experience something that coud’ve possibly produced this kind of dream? Just curious. That’s all.

Happy writings!
~ your friend, Morgan

FireSpyGirl says...

Thank you for the review @Morgan! Yes, I watched a horror movie when I was 8, and this was the consequence of it.

Morgan says...

mmmm....I see. Okay, and you%u2019re welcome

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11 Reviews

Points: 384
Reviews: 11

Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:40 pm
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Zenith wrote a review...

Hey FireSpyGirl! Zenith here for a short review.
This piece here is quite a description. You have used imagery, metaphor and other kinds of literary devices all of which have worked in harmony to make it worth a read overall. However, as 4revgreen mentioned, it has got a little too many 'i's. Sentences are starting with 'i' and even has that letter multiple times in between. So it would be great if you could work on that a bit. Also the story was quite well built up and I was really into it, until it kind of ended abruptly with just a bland statement that it was a nightmare. The ending was anticlimactic. So just do something about it. Reading your comments I came to know that this nightmare was a consequence of a movie. So maybe you could make your protagonist say something regarding that and could be a better ending to your work. If you understand what I mean. Otherwise I think it was great.
Keep writing!

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11 Reviews

Points: 384
Reviews: 11

Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:38 pm
Zenith says...

It was so interesting, you can actually make a story out of it, if you want to that is.

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108 Reviews

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Reviews: 108

Tue Apr 02, 2019 4:53 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...

Hey there!
So, I really liked the imagery that came across in the story/dream. It was very vivid and I could picture it very well!
However, so many sentences started with 'I' which ruined it a little for me. I've always hated when stories do that there are so many other ways to start sentences! That being said, the structure and sentences were otherwise very well done.
I would have liked a little more detailed description, perhaps longer more complex sentences about little details that are odd, making it more dream like?
Anyway, it was a fantastic piece and an interesting dream :-)

FireSpyGirl says...

Thank you for the review! I made the mistake of watching part of a movie made from a Stephan King novel when I was 8. That is where this came from.

4revgreen says...

what movie was it? I love Stephen King- his books are genius!

FireSpyGirl says...

I don't remember the title, and I can't find it. All I remember is that this plane was hijacked or something...this blind girl was stabbed...and then when the plane landed in the middle of a field the guy who stabbed the girl was drug off by some sort of robotic creatures. I haven't read any Stephen King, I want to though. At 8 years old though....Not so great.

4revgreen says...

I think that would have been "The langoliers" ? A mini series i think. But yeah not good at 8 years old!

I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope