It was the perfect night. Stars were out, the warm summer breeze played among the trees, and the air smelled and tasted fresh and clean. It tasted of summer. The laughter of a young woman is caught and carried. If you follow the trail, you will find a pretty picture. Sitting a table with a red lace tablecloth and a bouquet of roses, two lovers sit dining by candlelight. The young woman lifts her wine glass up, and the candlelight is caught in it, illuminating her face. Sharp cheekbones, almond shaped brown eyes, long lashes. Her long, lustrous hair flows down her back. Her shawl is draped across her chair. Her partner looks across the table at her, drinking in her face, her voice, her looks, as if he can never get enough. He has a finely carved face, high cheekbones, blue eyes and black hair that lies neatly parted and combed on his head. The woman takes a long drink from her wine glass, and then sets it down. They get up, hail the waiter, pay the bill, and then walk across the street hand in hand. The building they enter is a very elegant Victorian mansion. Light flows from the windows, laughter and music can be heard. High arches in the ceiling, crystal chandeliers, pillars of marble! The floor is polished marble, and all the young ladies and gentlemen are reflected. The young couple enter, her shawl is taken by an eager waiter. Entering the ball room, her midnight blue dress sweeps the floor. Everyone is in place. The band leader signals, and the dancing begins! The lovers tango, never taking their eyes from one another, they've never danced like this before. They have nary a care, and both are unaware of the danger on the dance floor!
A woman sits behind a pillar. Her veil hides her face, her dark red and black dress blend in with the curtains of the window. Her eyes blaze and tears fall as she watches them. She is his former lover, and she just discovered that he has moved on. She's seeing red now! She wants them dead now! Everyone is caught up in the dancing, no one is paying any attention. She goes and barricades the door.
The music and the dancers stop, because they think they hear a funny sound. All of a sudden, down falls the chandelier! It narrowly misses the young couple, and amid screams of terror, she stalks towards them, who hold each other, terrified. They are sure that this is their final moment, they are facing danger on the dance floor!
She is so focused on them, that she fails to see what is happening around her. The band leader comes up behind her and tackles her to the floor. She screams with rage, struggling, but to no avail. What a shame that this woman is mad! The police come, and take her away. The ball has broken up, the couple leave. They were just out for a night on the dance floor, and next time, they will stay in.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
AHHHHHH I LOVE THIS SO SO MUCH THE COG IS DEAD IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDSSS
Hey there, here to write a quick review!
So I love the details you build up in the first paragraph, you've got the stage set! It's quite poetic even how you explain the different aspects of the setting.
Now I think it's okay to have some of the gaps in the story are okay for some element of mystery - but I do think you could fill in some information here and there. For instance, it would be great if you could allude to why these two former lovers aren't in a relationship anymore. That would help readers have some understanding for the rage that ignites when the woman sees the man dancing! Which is the big exciting point of the story.
I also think the ending could use a bit more resolution. You've built up this conflict, and then it seems like very quickly the conflict is resolved by the officers taking her away, but the real underlying conflict of the couple's issue isn't resolved at all. I think you could give some insight into that conflict's resolution by adding some dialogue from the two main characters. What is the woman saying or thinking as she's destroying the dance scene?
And I think that the note about all the other people leaving isn't the most exciting or important point you can end with, since it doesn't seem very connected to the main conflict points.
Overall, I think streamlining the main conflict and trying to expand into it's emotional depth will be good additions to the story.
I hope some of these comments help give you some areas to think about! And good luk in your further writing!
~alliyah
Hi! Fanta here to review!
This was a very good story, and you used a writing style that I usually don't really like. But you surprised me, because I liked it very much!
I have a few notes though:
"Her long, lustrous hair flows down her back. Her shawl is draped across her chair. Her partner looks across the table at her, drinking in her face, her voice, her looks, as if he can never get enough."
In these sentences you say "her" alot. You don't need to change this, I just noticed and decided to say.
If you want to change it, try this:
"Her long, lustrous hair flows down her back. Her shawl is draped across the brown, wooden chair she is sitting on. Her partner looks across the table at her, drinking in her face, voice and looks, as if he can never get enough."
Just a suggestion.
"Her veil hides her face, her dark red and black dress blend in with the curtains of the window. Her eyes blaze and tears fall as she watches them. His former lover, who has just discovered that he has moved on. She's seeing red now! She goes and barricades the door, having taken care of the rest of her trap earlier."
It's a little weird that you suddenly change character.
Maybe try to signaling it this way:
"While they danced, there was another person there, knowing that tonight was the night of her revenge."
Or something like that.
Well, that's all I have.
Again, this was a really good story!
And you do not have to listen to my advice.
After all, I am not a very experienced writer.
Continue writing!
Your friend,
Fanta
Hello! Here I am, WriterSister33 to read your story, and to give a comment!:);)
So this was a very grat story! I think I scould write something inspired of one of my favorite song’s too!
I love this story, and how it ends, aldough I think that itnis a little unclear what happens in the ‘’All of sudden,...’’ section. You may wanna change that a little bit.
All in all, good job. Keep up the good writing, and have a nice day!
Best of good luck writing, my friend!!:)
From
WriterSis.
Thank you! I thought that part might need some work, so I will get on that.