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Phantom

by FireSpyGirl


Authors note: This is just a rough draft. I will refine it later, but will still appreciate reviews, especially on the plot.

Hazel sat up and stretched. She looked at her clock and groaned. It was 3:00 in the morning, and she’d been having nightmares again. The same exact one that had been occurring every night for about a week. In it, she was constantly being followed around by someone with a chainsaw, but she could never see his face. That wasn’t the most terrifying factor. The horrifying part was the feeling that hung over her as she ran. He was after her. He wanted her. She wasn’t sure why, or if he meant to kill her, but she knew that she was the one he was after. She grabbed her water bottle and took a drink, trying to stop shaking. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep now. She could still hear the chainsaw, and see the cloaked figure coming up behind her.

She picked up her phone off the lamp stand next to her bed and checked her messages. She had one message from somebody who’s profile picture was a cloak. She gripped the phone tight.

“No, it’s just a coincidence,” She told herself aloud. Hazel took a deep breath and looked at the message.

Sleeping well?” The message said. Hazel frowned, a little nervous. Having not sleep for a week, she was surprised she hadn’t had some sort of break down yet. She looked at the time the message was sent. 1:00 that morning. Hazel started shaking again. This was way to creepy, and could not be a coincidence.She really didn’t want to answer, but maybe, just maybe, she could find something out if she did answer.

Her trembling fingers typed out an answer:

Who are you?”

A concerned friend.”

How did you know I wasn’t sleeping well?”

I have ways of finding things out.”

Do you have any idea how creepy that is!?”

I can’t say I really care. Besides, you answered.”

Hazel couldn’t argue with that.

Do I know you?”

Not really.”

How did you get my number and why are you messaging me?”

Again, I have my ways. As for messaging you, I am doing it because I care.”

Suddenly, the sound of a chainsaw hit her ears. Hazel shrieked and dropped the phone. She had a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach, but gritting her teeth, she threw off her covers. Her feet touched the cold floor and Hazel flinched, but got up and went cautiously to the window. Peeking through the blinds, she couldn’t see anything, anywhere. She could hear it though, but that wasn’t it. There was more to it. It was almost as if…..as if she could feel the chainsaw, the noise. Almost as if it was coming from...inside of her. The noise was very close. She pinched herself several times. She was awake. Collapsing back onto the bed, shaking violently, she tried to convince herself that it was just the beginnings of a mental breakdown. She took big gulps of air, trying to calm herself down. She dug into a drawer and grabbed a pair of headphones. She plugged them into her phone, and turned on her music. She could still hear it, though it was fainter. She could definitely feel it though. Suddenly, the chainsaw stopped, her phone buzzed.

A new message had appeared:

What’s wrong?”

Nothing,” Hazel typed back, really scared now.

You disappeared.”

Sorry. Had to go get a drink.”

I see.”

There was something sinister in that last sentence.


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62 Reviews


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Sun Mar 31, 2019 11:12 pm
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hiraeth wrote a review...



Hi FireSpyGirl!

Okay, i definitely got Freddie Kruger vibes off the start of the chapter. Creeped me out; it's the perfect mix of horror and suspense.
Personally, if someone messaged me at 3:00 am at night, I'd instantly block him, even if his profile picture wasn't as sinister as something like a cloak.

Hazel seems like any other girl in a horror film: Scared, a little witless (because, if she was thinking straight, she would've asked that charming person on her phone how he knew her, and how he got his number. And then, if he replied something like: 'I have my ways,' Hazel could just chuck her phone to the wall and go back to sleep. Problem solved. And maybe wear headphones. It would block out any chainsaw ;) ).

Some tiny nitpicks:

“No, it’s just a coincidence.” She told herself aloud. Hazel took a deep breath and looked at the message.


and here:

“Nothing.” Hazel typed back, really scared now.


Once your dialogue ends, put a comma, not a full stop. For example, "No, it's just a coincidence," she told herself aloud.

I'll finish by saying that this was a good read - your grammar and spelling is more or less okay, structure and formatting perfect. with a little editing (maybe some more descriptions? A few thinks to develop your settings?) this could be great work. It has potential to be written as a serial story.

Anyway, nice reading your work; keep writing!




FireSpyGirl says...


@hiraeth Thank you for the review. I just did some editing, if you want to read it again!



hiraeth says...


better :)



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Wed Mar 20, 2019 2:18 am
Honora wrote a review...



Hey there! I figured since you are always reviewing my stuff I better check yours out! :D Wow...I can't say that I'm disappointed. It's really creepy but extremely intriguing and that's a good thing! Heepy jeepies keep your audience enthralled and on their toes. It makes me want to come back for more so when you do post some (if you haven't already) tag me!
I seriously didn't find anything wrong with this chapter. Maybe it's because it sucked me in so much I just didn't notice them. ;) Anyway, good job! My only complaint is that this is a SHORT STORY! Why can't you make this a novel? lol
Your friend,
Honora




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Fri Mar 15, 2019 4:46 am
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Anma wrote a review...



Hello!

Its great!

Its very interesting, its kind of creepy but it just makes it really good!

I don't see many grammar or punctuation errors. It seems to be split into paragraphs well, it has space. You can mostly tell what's going on. Also has emotion to it, its lovely price of writing.

I'm sorry its pretty short.

But I loved reading this! I hope to read more of your work!
Anna-





"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
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