Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General


Eternal internal

by FeatherPen


I'm fighting a war

Waged from within.

If it's internal

Who gets to win?

-

War never ends,

Like a shattering glass

Leaving bits and pieces

Which will never hold fast.

-

And I'm picking scars,

Like I like the unease.

If I listened to my head

Then I'd hear the pleas.

-

When did laughter

Start to cackle?

And thoughts

Become so fatal?

-

When I say

I don't know

Will I lose my grip?

I don't know.

-

Then I'll fall

     Down the warren

          Where I've already been.

                   This time less foreign.

-

The cage of the mind,

Drudgery thud.

Closing my eyes,

My mouth tasting blood.

-

No uses for running,

I'm chasing my tail.

With all that I've lost,

I'm not scared. I will fail.

-

Sting from the thistle,

I don't reach

For the doc.

The pain is too brief.

-

Along darkened routs,

Where no sunlight will sparkle.

In the whites of the rapid,

I go on drowning until

-

Just before I crash,

Then I'll emerge

Finding myself

Waking on the verge.

-

Just in time

To prevent the worst

Cataclysmic ending.

I wake feeling Lost.

-

Banging my head

On the wall

Finding, gasping for breath

I'm lying on the floor.

-

It's easier to start

From the beginning.

Though it's never the same

Always, forever changing.

-

Legs straining hard

And rugged,

My breathing Yet

Hope is uncovered.

-

It's no longer bright

Like it was back before.

Yet colours intensify,

My spirit can soar.

-

Beauty in rain

And paintings

In mud and the

Mourning child sings.

-

Delight in small things

time starts to speed.

My arms spread wide

Knowing I'm freed.

-

I see that I'm leaving

The pit that I dug.

I'll see it again

For now I can shrug. 

-

Summoning my strength 

The warmth from within 

I reach the top and 

I look out with a grin. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1079 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 1079

Donate
Sun Oct 30, 2016 8:10 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

The first thing I noticed is that you chose to rhyme in some parts of the poem, or tried to. Not all of the lines rhyme though they near-rhyme. I feel like you're trying to force this aspect into the poem and it doesn't work if you're trying to desperately find words that fit in rhymes. When I write rhyming poems, which is quite rare, I tend to build off of the rhymes instead of going in with an original intent or theme to it that I have to force into the boundaries of rhyme. They feel very elementary, which goes along with the line length, and they overall negatively affect the poem for me Which usually doesn't happen and it only restricts the poem or doesn't do anything, but it didn't work for me.

So you're telling a poem about having an internal war and all the like. I get that. Tell it through images and descriptions instead of having lines of all the same length. This is one of the things that really gets on my nerves, which is having the lines the same length and without any variation. I suggest changing it up so there are long lines and short lines because you aren't really able to develop the imagery and expand on it with only short lines. The dynamics and power of the lines were also weak because of this, they weren't able to build up and there wasn't a place for there to be some sort of pay off. This is because they're all in the same format and need some variation, even switching up the punctuation would do something to keep it from becoming stale.

The feeling of the poem is very simple and it didn't really appeal to me with that. Simple in that it felt glossed over and didn't really go into detail about things, which was a weak point with it. So the theme seems to be an internal struggle but this isn't really displayed throughout the poem too well in my opinion. Another thing is that it was rambly with the voice. The talking of the narrator drags on and leaves little actual material with imagery or anything of that sort. Some of the words here are seemingly, randomly capitalized like "Yet" or "Lost" and I didn't know if this was an actual stylistic choice of yours or not. I thought it tried to bring out words that are simple and was making them seem more important than they really are.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Donate
Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:56 am
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, FeatherPen!

This is Moonwatcher here with a Review Day review!

I'm going to jump right into the review, and the first thing I would like to cover here, is the rhyme scheme. This is more of a friendly piece of advice than a critique. This being that not all poems have to rhyme. You might already know this, and this could be more of a stylistic choice rather than something you thought had to be done. But the reason I usually advise that you do not have to rhyme in poetry is that it is a burden to the poem. I feel as if rhyming limits the author's vocabulary to a certain set of words, and blocks the author from the feelings or emotions they are trying to convey, and if not, make these emotions a lot weaker. Meanwhile, non-rhyming poems have more freedom in their word choice, improving their imagery, emotion, etc.

War never ends

Always the bits

and the pieces.

The shape never fits.

This doesn't make very much sense. What about the bits and the pieces?

And I'm picking scars,

Like I like the unease.

If you say "Like I like" in doubt, I suggest changing it to "As if I like". If not in doubt, change this to just "I like."

When I say

I don't know

Will I lose my grip?

I don't know.

Too much repetition, no point to prove. We get that you don't know, you only need to say this once.

Along darkened routs,

Where no sunlight will sparkle.

In the whites of the rapid,

I go on drowning until

The beginning makes sense, but the end does not. "Until" what?

The use of punctuation/capitalization is present. However, the punctuation isn't consistent. If you're going to use commas/periods in some places, keep it consistent and put them everywhere that is needed.

With me mentioning that the rhyme scheme blocked out a lot of the potential in this poem, the imagery isn't too strong. I suggest improving the descriptions, and make them your own, and present something new to the table. Make your poem stand out compared to other poems in it's genre.

That's all I have to say, and I hope this review helps! ^-^





Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
— Mark Twain