I'm fighting a war
Waged from within.
If it's internal
Who gets to win?
-
War never ends,
Like a shattering glass
Leaving bits and pieces
Which will never hold fast.
-
And I'm picking scars,
Like I like the unease.
If I listened to my head
Then I'd hear the pleas.
-
When did laughter
Start to cackle?
And thoughts
Become so fatal?
-
When I say
I don't know
Will I lose my grip?
I don't know.
-
Then I'll fall
Down the warren
Where I've already been.
This time less foreign.
-
The cage of the mind,
Drudgery thud.
Closing my eyes,
My mouth tasting blood.
-
No uses for running,
I'm chasing my tail.
With all that I've lost,
I'm not scared. I will fail.
-
Sting from the thistle,
I don't reach
For the doc.
The pain is too brief.
-
Along darkened routs,
Where no sunlight will sparkle.
In the whites of the rapid,
I go on drowning until
-
Just before I crash,
Then I'll emerge
Finding myself
Waking on the verge.
-
Just in time
To prevent the worst
Cataclysmic ending.
I wake feeling Lost.
-
Banging my head
On the wall
Finding, gasping for breath
I'm lying on the floor.
-
It's easier to start
From the beginning.
Though it's never the same
Always, forever changing.
-
Legs straining hard
And rugged,
My breathing Yet
Hope is uncovered.
-
It's no longer bright
Like it was back before.
Yet colours intensify,
My spirit can soar.
-
Beauty in rain
And paintings
In mud and the
Mourning child sings.
-
Delight in small things
time starts to speed.
My arms spread wide
Knowing I'm freed.
-
I see that I'm leaving
The pit that I dug.
I'll see it again
For now I can shrug.
-
Summoning my strength
The warmth from within
I reach the top and
I look out with a grin.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first thing I noticed is that you chose to rhyme in some parts of the poem, or tried to. Not all of the lines rhyme though they near-rhyme. I feel like you're trying to force this aspect into the poem and it doesn't work if you're trying to desperately find words that fit in rhymes. When I write rhyming poems, which is quite rare, I tend to build off of the rhymes instead of going in with an original intent or theme to it that I have to force into the boundaries of rhyme. They feel very elementary, which goes along with the line length, and they overall negatively affect the poem for me Which usually doesn't happen and it only restricts the poem or doesn't do anything, but it didn't work for me.
So you're telling a poem about having an internal war and all the like. I get that. Tell it through images and descriptions instead of having lines of all the same length. This is one of the things that really gets on my nerves, which is having the lines the same length and without any variation. I suggest changing it up so there are long lines and short lines because you aren't really able to develop the imagery and expand on it with only short lines. The dynamics and power of the lines were also weak because of this, they weren't able to build up and there wasn't a place for there to be some sort of pay off. This is because they're all in the same format and need some variation, even switching up the punctuation would do something to keep it from becoming stale.
The feeling of the poem is very simple and it didn't really appeal to me with that. Simple in that it felt glossed over and didn't really go into detail about things, which was a weak point with it. So the theme seems to be an internal struggle but this isn't really displayed throughout the poem too well in my opinion. Another thing is that it was rambly with the voice. The talking of the narrator drags on and leaves little actual material with imagery or anything of that sort. Some of the words here are seemingly, randomly capitalized like "Yet" or "Lost" and I didn't know if this was an actual stylistic choice of yours or not. I thought it tried to bring out words that are simple and was making them seem more important than they really are.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
Hello there, FeatherPen!
This is Moonwatcher here with a Review Day review!
I'm going to jump right into the review, and the first thing I would like to cover here, is the rhyme scheme. This is more of a friendly piece of advice than a critique. This being that not all poems have to rhyme. You might already know this, and this could be more of a stylistic choice rather than something you thought had to be done. But the reason I usually advise that you do not have to rhyme in poetry is that it is a burden to the poem. I feel as if rhyming limits the author's vocabulary to a certain set of words, and blocks the author from the feelings or emotions they are trying to convey, and if not, make these emotions a lot weaker. Meanwhile, non-rhyming poems have more freedom in their word choice, improving their imagery, emotion, etc.
This doesn't make very much sense. What about the bits and the pieces?
If you say "Like I like" in doubt, I suggest changing it to "As if I like". If not in doubt, change this to just "I like."
Too much repetition, no point to prove. We get that you don't know, you only need to say this once.
The beginning makes sense, but the end does not. "Until" what?
The use of punctuation/capitalization is present. However, the punctuation isn't consistent. If you're going to use commas/periods in some places, keep it consistent and put them everywhere that is needed.
With me mentioning that the rhyme scheme blocked out a lot of the potential in this poem, the imagery isn't too strong. I suggest improving the descriptions, and make them your own, and present something new to the table. Make your poem stand out compared to other poems in it's genre.
That's all I have to say, and I hope this review helps! ^-^