| Brooklyn Bridge 1907 please see the correct lay out here | ||
| Me | Myself | And I |
|
Watching the stars of light sparkle across the water With it a peace unfurls over the city The eider down blanket of sky reflected duck yellow in the ripples . . A testimony to human technology Its shapes an artwork of their own for lovers to walk on . Silhouetted the homes and hearts of its residents Brimful with the laughter of tourists To the comfort of warmth in their houses . . Loved by photographers Living the life of a rouge |
We sit at the bridge Gradually evening arrives Forewarning of night Sounds of the city Played on the stings of a bridge Visible to all The sky line is dark Still the ferries are moving Children running home
Dew covers benches Saturating anything The planks are my bed Schizophrenia* There is me, myself and I ** Homeless for tonight |
Hunched up shivering with cold as it seeps into our bones The darkness encroaching against the lit buildings Its tendrils making their way into every crack and shadow causing the water to lap like black oil . Like a ghost suspended precariously fading into eerie nothingness Yet a spot for back stabbing and illegal exchanges . All is momentary in the fabric of time. Innocence already torn and shredded until it drifts like the litter through the playground . But my picture is under exposed. I shall not sleep |
| *Schizophrenia is not multi personality disorder
it is a separate mental condition
** many of those living rough struggle with mental health issues |
||
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello! This was very good. I really liked the three different positions and views of the bridge shown. To some, it's just a pretty sight, but to others, it's so much more. The direct speaking to the reader is interesting; it feels a bit out of place but not so much as to absolutely need a change. One thing I noticed was how the Me section cut off a lot of beginning pronouns and other words while the And I section kept them. My teacher always suggested to me to cut off unnecessary words, such as changing "Like a ghost" to "A ghost" and "The darkness" to just "Darkness". I feel it adds more flow to the poem, but it's definitely a stylistic choice. As Aley said, the use of bold and italic is kind of unusual. My suggestion would be different fonts instead. Beyond this, these nothing I can say besides I really liked it! It gave a unique and unusual view filled with excellent language and real character. Nice work!
Hey FeatherPen,
I'm here to review your poem because I can.
First off, I'd like to say props for tackling a unique an different way to approach writing a poem. I've never seen anyone use asterisks and a table format to make a poem, but for this, it works. Well, I've seen asterisks, but mostly when it comes to words that are being used for a particular type of dialect.
I really like that this poem is so versatile. You can really move around in it. I will say however, I was bothered to see "till" being used as it was because a "till" is actually a thing, it's not the abbreviation for "until" which is "'til" note the single "l" and the "'", it's just that a till has sort of gone out of date. It's actually a money box. Not many people remember that a cash register is also known as a till. Even Google decides the new definition is more correct than the old one, but! Take it from me! If you're over somewhere in your 30s, you're not going to appreciate seeing "till" unless you're very forward thinking. That being said, you're dismissing a lot of the generations before you as being relevant in this poem using that word, which is not something I'd recommend. I also don't think that was your point, so that's why I'm saying something.
Overall, I don't quite understand the use of italic, bold, and none between the three sections. Is that just to indicate a difference between them I feel like this poem would stand together just fine with the table being the only separator, but at the same time, I'd be afraid to touch it because I like how you have it. I would suggest checking on your capitalization however. I don't think it needs to have the beginning of each line capitalized.
In summary, very unique and I like it! I can't wait to see what you do with a traditional format so I can really see how you shape up.
Aley
Thankyou for your review. I agree, a till is a thing 'til one cuts off the extra l. All fixed
The formatting is something I struggled with. I wrote it as three perspectives, Loosely; positive, realistic and negitive. The middle ending up as an extended haiku with me and I commenting and expanding on myself's observations. Using the table was the only way I could find to a make three parallel columns, which may be more familiar to you as a formatting choice. Rather takes my originality away I'm afraid.
I will think about the use of bold and ilatics as it is just to emphasize the columns.
As for capitilising lines I have found you have written a great article on the different choices in the poetry tutorials. It made me reconsider my previous assumption that new line = capital. However I feel it needs to be kept in this poem at least until I find a better layout. This is because otherwise I feel it is not obvious that the long lines are one line rather than three. Eg "Innocence already torn and shredded until it drifts like the litter through the playground" I will definitely be paying more attention to capilisation and grammar choices in my future poetry.
I am usually avoid "justifications" of things pointed out in reviews yet wanted to show that I was listening to what you have written and not just ignoring it. So thanks again.
Oh if that's what you're worried about with your line capitals, the standard is actually to indent a continuous line as it proceeds onto the next line. On YWS, we can do that by having something in white to take up the space and push the text over.
You can see that in a lot of Anthologies where the book size has changed.
I think there's also a code for [put in a space] on YWS's html stuff. Let me go find that for you <3
Here's the article: Indenting in the Publishing Center
and here's the code.
- Code
Each one will make one space. I loved this! I prefer poetry that doesn't rhyme (and most on this site does) so that really stuck out to me. You have a very dramatic, detailed way of writing and I'm sure you've heard that before. It sets a very clear idea of a rather lonely, androgynous person (I don't apply any gender to the narrator for some reason), who is struggling with their mental disorders, and they're watching the city after sort of surrendering to their situation. It makes me feel like the narrator has given up on ever being excepted due to their mental disorder. Very Vincent Van Gogh-esque.
Welcome to yws and thank you for your lovely comment, I'm pleased it was appreciated. Did you have any trouble working out which direction to read it? The middle line is a series of haikus. I too like non rhyming poetry except when the rhymes are realy well done and are put with a rhythm becase it makes them easy to memorize.
No problem reading it. The different font styles help with that.