11:10 PM
Danny: I am done with life, Kelly
Next comes a picture of concrete from the roof tops
The roof where you both spent hours watching the stars
Marveling at their beauty
D: I can’t handle it anymore
D: All I want to do is jump
D: It will be better for everyone.
And just like that, you’ll never look at that magical place the same
11:20 PM
D: You’ll be fine Kelly
D: All you need to do is write,
D: Write about my passing then you’ll move on
D: I don’t matter all that much.
Just like that they’ll just be a ghost?
A vague memory of your past?
How could they so easily dismiss how much You really care about them?
D: Kelly do you really care that much?
D: I don’t believe you do, no one does
D: I don’t blame them
Guess they have forgotten the late nights
And long “debates” we had on who was the coolest
Or the days we spent at the park on third avenue
D: This might be good bye,
D: Farewell Kelly
Your friend really knows how to drive those words deep
Like a knife that’s been thrust into you
With every text they send the knife twists and goes in deeper
Who know words could hurt leaving you feeling gutted and empty?
11:45 PM
Then silence.
Nothing.
Your friend stops reading your texts
They stop replying
That’s when your stomach drops
Thinking the worst
You picture awful things
Things you wish you would have never thought about
You see them laying there on the hard concrete
You want to go numb
11:50 PM
Tears start streaming
Running freely you can’t contain it
You can’t remember the last time you’ve cried so hard
You start bombard them with reasons why you’ll miss them
Why they should keep going
Kelly: If you leave who will I wake up and send a good morning text?
K: You are the first person I think about when I wake up
K: And the last one I think about when i go to bed
K: You are the only person who can tell that I am upset
K: Even on my darkest days you manage to make me see the sun
K: And believe life is worth living
K: Well so is yours, live on
K: Plus without you who am I going to do stupid stuff with
K: Remember that hair cut we gave each other?
K: Our moms just about beat us
11:55 PM
You start feeling empty
Like a part of you has been torn away
A part of you really has been
Your partner in crime is locked away
They'll never see the light of day again
You can't stop shaking
Why would such a beautiful person end their life?
11:59 PM
When you realize they finally read your messages
You start crying in relief
K: Please answer me
K: I need you
K: I love you
D: Relax, it will be okay Kel
D: Good night
That empty hole has been filled once again
But when it comes time to sleep
Dread washes over you again
Like a wave of freezing water hitting you
Knocking you over leaving you feeling paralyzed
12 AM
Will they wake in the morning?
Will they reply to your morning text?
Will you see their smile?
Will you ever get to see them in person again?
So many questions rush through your head
All you can do is wait
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138,255 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
fe;llllll lllllllll llllllll nlkfd gkv oirjgoij hlkslk aghlk h hj gr hg dhlghklf dhf d hfd glkhl ksfh hjgf klgfg hjg h gldlh ghjghjg gfhghgf hgfgfh gfhlgsdh gfhjgfh ghjgf hgf hg hlg hjg fhgf hjgfhl lgflghjg hl sl ghjfdkh gerho erhhtoti erojrto troiretho retjio rteji ortejitr ejtrejtr ejtr ejt jt rjtr jtr jtr jj tj tjt jt j tj t. fe;llllll lllllllll llllllll nlkfd gkv oirjgoij hlkslk aghlk h hj gr hg dhlghklf dhf d hfd glkhl ksfh hjgf klgfg hjg h gldlh ghjghjg gfhghgf hgfgfh gfhlgsdh gfhjgfh ghjgf hgf hg hlg hjg fhgf hjgfhl lgflghjg hl sl ghjfdkh gerho erhhtoti erojrto troiretho retjio rteji ortejitr ejtrejtr ejtr ejt jt rjtr jtr jtr jj tj tjt jt j tj t. fe;llllll lllllllll llllllll nlkfd gkv oirjgoij hlkslk aghlk h hj gr hg dhlghklf dhf d hfd glkhl ksfh hjgf klgfg hjg h gldlh ghjghjg gfhghgf hgfgfh gfhlgsdh gfhjgfh ghjgf hgf hg hlg hjg fhgf hjgfhl lgflghjg hl sl ghjfdkh gerho erhhtoti erojrto troiretho retjio rteji ortejitr ejtrejtr ejtr ejt jt rjtr jtr jtr jj tj tjt jt j tj t. fe;llllll lllllllll llllllll nlkfd gkv oirjgoij hlkslk aghlk h hj gr hg dhlghklf dhf d hfd glkhl ksfh hjgf klgfg hjg h gldlh ghjghjg gfhghgf hgfgfh gfhlgsdh gfhjgfh ghjgf hgf hg hlg hjg fhgf hjgfhl lgflghjg hl sl ghjfdkh gerho erhhtoti erojrto troiretho retjio rteji ortejitr ejtrejtr ejtr ejt jt rjtr jtr jtr jj tj tjt jt j tj t.
That was a twisty and turn poem very much!
Jack here for a review.
Ok I love this, it really sent me on a twist and I was really interested on how this was going, I really felt the emotion in this, and the deep connection the boy and the girl had in this poem, and I thought that you portrayed tis expertly, there isn't really anything I think that you could fix, but I felt that I had to leave my point, because this was a wonderful story.
SO this is a thumbs up from me, for such a great poem/story, and I hope to read more of your works soon, because you have a very good talent!
Jack
Thank you very much jack!!
Why didn't she call the police? That really bothered me. Also the idea of him standing there texting as he is considering suicide didn't resonate with me. Maybe he could be considering cutting himself or some other form of suicide. Just picturing him on the ledge, phone out texting kind of took the power away from the poem. However, these are just my criticisms, overall I think it's really good
Lol thanks but this really happened to me
Hello!
)
This is a cool one, kinda romantic, i don't mind that, it's good.
FIRST OF ALL, i would like to say that, this poetry is different and wonderful. to be honest, i never have seen such poetry in my life, i don't read poems much and don't write as well (i have tried to do some writing, but, those ended up being a mess!
And, Danny and Kelly, when i was reading for a moment, i thought D has died! But, huhh! He hasn't!
I never experienced such thing, if i ever had, probably I'd get a heart attack! Especially when D was freaking silent!
Anyway, I don't think it's a review. it's just review sized comment!
You did a good work. Keep writing! STAY BLESSED
Thank you very much! I am sure your stuff is nice ill take a look at it later. ;D
No worries, eat berries!
Hello, FancyDragon! I've come to review!
First of all, I really like the time progression you use: it makes it feel like it's happening right at this moment. Also, I really appreciate the subject matter and how you handled it. You didn't romanticize it, you just gave the honest truth.
That being said, I think this could be changed quite dramatically for the better with a few small tweaks.
First of all, the format. On YWS, to make single spaces, you must hold shift when you press enter. When you want to begin a new stanza, you simply press enter. I suggest creating a new stanza before every time that you put.
I don't think the bold is working. Try putting it in italics instead so it doesn't pop out quite as much. Also, perhaps indent it a bit to show that it is different from the rest of the piece. Try omitting the identification before the line as well (i.e. Danny:, D:). See how that looks to you. I think it would look a lot more streamlined and polished. As for the texts of the narrator, you could choose to put them in italics as well and remove the identification. Just indent them more than the other person's texts.
This is quite long, and I suggest you squish it down a bit. Instead of asking rhetorical questions, use an image or metaphor that conveys what the narrator (while this is in second person, I'm counting the girl as the narrator) is feeling at that point. Metaphor and simile convey much more than a rhetorical question.
The exquisiteness of things is sometimes in their omission. What I'm saying is, don't be blunt. Avoid the topic. Don't say some things. That way, the reader will be forced to infer what you're talking about exactly and be more engaged. For example, instead of saying
Omit the jumping line. Everyone knows what you're talking about because of the setting, but putting it out there like you do takes away from it a little. Like the guy is kind of afraid of admitting it still.
In fact, I'd probably squish it down quite a bit just by omitting things like that, and getting rid of details that don't fit in with the theme, quite. Now, this is completely your choice, but below, I'm going to list the lines that I'd probably get rid of.
Spoiler
I'm suggesting that you omit all the thoughts in the 11:59 section because the texts speak for themselves. You don't need to supplement the relief (and you describe the worry in the next one. Perhaps, though, you should use the wave image in the 12 am instead of the questions. They're not quite doing it for me).
I think you meant "start TO bombard".
And really, don't forget to try to change more of your questions into feelings rather than letting them hang. It doesn't make the reader feel anxious. Try to get the reader to feel with you rather than just read questions going through one person's head at one time.
Altogether, you did a pretty good job. I like the images you did use, and I appreciate that you incorporated the text messages. Hopefully you'll take some of my suggestions into consideration, and make sure you post the edit when you're done with it! Happy writing!
Thank you i will defiantly do that. I do have a few questions.
try omitting the identification before the line as well
Not sure what you mean by that. xD
Omit the jumping line. Everyone knows what you're talking about because of the setting, but putting it out there like you do takes away from it a little. Like the guy is kind of afraid of admitting it still.
Again not sure what you mean here.
But thank you so much for the review.
The identification being "Danny: [text message here]" take out danny.
Take out "D: All I want to do is jump." Omit means take out.
Hey, FancyDragon.
So, wow, ummmm.... This made me really sad. It was amazing. Its formatting was very unique. This is the first time I've seen a poem like this actually work out. The passing of time you put (12AM) in-between lines kind of creates a tension. As I read through the poem, I was so afraid to see the ending, because what if D died? That's all I was thinking.
This is really similar to me and my Bf's situation a long time ago. He wanted to suicide, and welllllllllll hahaha, that's where the similarity ends, I guess...? (no comment). So, anyway, I could really relate with this poem, a lot. They seem to care about each other very much, and you did a wonderful job of showing that.
Just ONE thing to point out (I really don't want to ruin this beautiful piece of art). In the middle, you kind of go into plural terms, 'they.'
[Your friend stops reading your texts
They stop replying
That’s when your stomach drops
Thinking the worst
You picture awful things]
If the friend is only one person, wouldn't it be he/she? Just wondering.
Thank you for posting this wonderful work on YWS. I really thank you. When a poem can make somebody feel something, that means it's good (as long as that feeling is not an obligation to yell at the author...), right? It made me feel sad, and something I can't even describe... Wow, so this poem was good. You should be really proud of it.
Keep on writing, Mephis
Thank you. Yes it probably should be him. When i first wrote this story i tried making it not gender specific. then i switched it and missed it there. But thank you really!
Why didn't she call the police? That really bothered me. Also the idea of him standing there texting as he is considering suicide didn't resonate with me. Maybe he could be considering cutting himself or some other form of suicide. Just picturing him on the ledge, phone out texting kind of took the power away from the poem. However, these are just my criticisms, overall I think it's really good