On frozen mountaintops high above,
Where darkness lingers but moonlight glows,
Lies the quiet of liberated souls.
Past the mountains’ permafrost,
In the valleys deep below,
Tarry the spirits of our lost selves.
Within the forest’s surreal gloom,
Where withered sorrows lead minds astray,
Reside the remnants of who we are.
In rocky tunnels dug from earth,
Where eyes can’t tell night from day,
Echo the whispers of what we lost.
Deep in waters clear and blue,
Stained from life of creatures unknown,
Evanescent dreams wait for us.
In barren wastelands deprived from rain,
Which no one being can call home,
The tintinnabulation of our greater selves is heard.
And if one listens long enough,
To rustling leaves and rolling waves,
One can hear human innocence.
The greater good is not as great,
As nature pulling ghosts from graves;
The ghosts of ourselves, dead as we live.
Can we be freed from material chains?
What shackles hold us in this place,
Where our spirits slowly wilt?
Bound to violence and power-lust,
Who can save the human race,
When it refuses to be saved?
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
Well. This is really good and your emotions...
Really good. Well thought out. I love the last line the most.
The last line: 'Tarry' It doesn't work for me, or well, it does just...I don't know.
This is very,very good.
I love your word choice. It really sets your imagination free.
The second line doesn't work for me.
It is a bit unclear and can confuse the reader(Like me)
Make it something like: Which no living thing can call home,
Which not one being can call home
Something like that. Or if you want to make it more dramatic, add a "t" at the end of "no".
Then you will get something like: "Which not one being can call home,"
Another nice line.
The second line. If you change 'pulling' to pulls. It will make a nice alliteration.
"As nature pulls ghosts from graves;" would sound more affective.
Love the way you ask the question.
Very nice, but I feel here you just got lazy.(Sorry) While the rest is fantastic, this just got a little...I don't know.
All in all. It is a great poem. Looking forward to read more of your work.
Hah, thanks. You style seems a little dark. I would have normally turned to that direction, but I wanted to experiment with something. I wanted to give the reader hope; I wanted to let them believe that they would find life's meaning within nature. Or something like that. It's a little too late to fix it, since my mom submitted it into a contest (without my permission! Grr...). Anyway, thanks for the critique, and I'll keep it in mind when I'm next writing about a similar topic.
Hey there.
I have some issues with your poem, but let's start with the good news. Ready? It was beautiful. Really beautiful. I loved the imagery; I read it twice because I wanted to really appreciate them. The not-so-good thing about it was that it was so choppy. The three-line stanzas seemed to be full poems in themselves, almost, which, granted, is actually the way I write prose so I guess I'm just a hypocrite, but still. Here's a thought:
On frozen mountaintops far above,
Where darkness lingers but moonlight glows,
Lies the quiet of liberated souls.
Their cries scream in pulsing silence,
And their twisting death-songs
Fill the valley with brooding, heavy night.
Obviously that's my style and not yours, and I just wrote what cam einto my head, but see what I mean? I don't know. Play around with it. Definitely don't just read this critique and go back to whatever poem you're writing now, which would be a waste of a really good poem (this one).