In the corners of my mind
Is the music,
The haunting music,
Of a string quartet.
And when I dance
On my toes,
I dance to the cellos
And violins
That never leave;
Forever echoing
In the corners of my mind.
The steady beat
Of rosined bows
Dragged across strings
Sets the time,
Adds the rhyme;
My omnipresent lullaby.
The metronomic
Sonorous plucking
Of bass strings follows me
As I drift into dreamland,
Dreaming of music
Forever echoing
In the corners of my mind.
And when I dream,
I dream in sound,
In music,
And in color.
A viola's A note baby blue,
The G note like Welch's grape juice.
The vibrations are beautiful
As they expand,
Filling up the spaces
In the corners of my mind.
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
I found this poem fascinating ^^ You really set an atmosphere the reader likes being apart of. However you do need to watch out for a few things. Sometimes things in this poem are hard to understand and recognize. You have to remember that in your mind you see things, hear things, and feel things only you can sense. You have to make sure the reader understands these elements as well. Great Read ^^
Chichi ~ I have played a string instrument, but I quit about two years ago because it was getting in the way of my school work. Viola. It makes the most lovely sounds when it's tuned just right and when you a bow across it just in exactly the right place. This poem was really about how much I miss it.
Everyone else ~ Thanks so much for your comments/critiques. I'll definitely work on this poem.
Beautiful poem! I love how you really get into deep description - awesomeness.
I would probably suggest dividing it into stanzas, although that's not totally necessary. The imagery is fantastic and your metaphors are great, too.
I didn't really love how some lines rhyme, some don't. I'm not so crazy about 'accidental' rhymes, they kind of mess up the poem for me because suddenly I feel like I'm supposed to be finding rhymes all the time, and then I feel that that was one accident that isn't really a rhyme and I keep reading... until there's another rhyme. That's the only thing that bugs me.
One thing that impressed me is your knowledge of string instruments. I'm guessing you play one? And have played in some kind of string ensemble before?
Keep writing! Gold star!
In the corners of my mind
I like the way these lines rhyme. It read exactly the way good rhyme is supposed to: as if it happened by accident (even if in reality it was planned).Is the music,
The haunting music,
Of a string quartet.
And when I dance
On my toes,
I dance to the cellos
And violins
That never leave;
Forever echoing
In the corners of my mind.
The steady beat
Of rosined bows
Dragged across strings
Sets the time,
Adds the rhyme;
My omnipresent lullaby.
The metronomic
Sonorous plucking
Of bass strings follows me
As I drift into dreamland,
Dreaming of music
Forever echoing
In the corners of my mind.
And when I dream,
I dream in sound,
In music,
And in color.
A viola's A note baby blue,
The G note like Welch's grape juice.
The vibrations are beautiful
As they expand
Filling up the spaces
In the corners of my mind.
My general thoughts on this piece were that I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a metaphor for something else or not. By the end I didn't think it was, but it still sounded as though it could be if you wanted it to.
If it was meant to be, you should include a clearer reference of that the metaphor is for.
If not, I think it might be beneficial to include some metaphors for the subject. Metaphors are the language of poetry. :)
Aha! A metaphor! Sort of. I suppose it's more of a simile. Those are also lovely additions to any poem.
However. The reference to Welch's grape juice really threw me off. I think you can understand why? The outlandishness of such a modern, commercial reference in this poem which gives the affect of softness, and gracefulness, sticks out sadly, ruining the fluidity. If you would like to just use grape juice, that would be different.
Just a small technical note. I believe it would be "A-note" and "G-note."
I mentioned before how much I like those second two lines. It would be nice, I think, for there to be a comma after that first line I have there, to set apart those two lines. They deserve to stand alone. :)
My final advice would be to add more description. Metaphors would be a part of that, but only part. Mostly, what does the music sound like? The poem gives me this idea of it being slow and peaceful, because the poem, to me, is slow and peaceful. But it's not enough for me to just assume, and that only about how it feels, not how it sounds. I'd love to have more description of that.
Good luck with this. :)
I loved the whole poem. You use words in the loveliest way.
Hey there Pen!
I know these instruments are beautiful, but how can you make me feel the music, hear the music, as you do? Instead of listing things, can you describe the music?
I think this is an interesting poem, but to me any form of writing that deals with music is incredebly hard and therefore needs to be incredebly well done to actually induce anything for me. Music is an audio sound, and when all you do is talk about instruments, and tempos... I'm left feeling forgotten, as a reader!
Even though I'm not certain if you just mean the color when you say "baby blue" this is my favorite description. Especially comparing G note to grape juice. This is a wonderful description, because I have, and hopefully many of your readers have, drunk grape juice. You're turning how you experience music into something everyone can relate to, and in a really great way. If you can do this with all the other feelings you mention in the poem (obviously in different ways than just comparing them to taste) it would completely up the experience I get from this poem. Again, I'm not certain if baby blue is the best, since I don't know how a color represents a sound. Of course, I'm not a musician so I don't "experience" music as some do.
I think it is a great start! I hope this helped, and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
Another nice poem. You have a talent for setting up mood and atmosphere in a small amount of words. You also have lots of good subtle rhyme in here, like "toes" and "cellos"
My favorite part. Beautiful.
Something as jarringly commercial as Welch's jolted me out of the poem. Just say "grape juice" and it'll be much better.
Again, very nice poem.
Overall, you have a very beautiful poem. Well written and memorable. I would like it better if you divided it up into stanzas. I started off not caring too much but cared by the end. You captured a nuance of feeling and delivered it nicely. Well done!