Honestly Ugly

Well, I can't really point out anything that hasn't been pointed out yet. But, well... maybe split the lines up into stanzas, it's good like this, but it was a sore on my eyes, the poem wasn't bad, just I have a horrible attention span and it's easier to read stanzas than a long list of lines. Great poem, it was epic! Keep Writing!

I loved the accusatory tone of the poem. This may be because it reflects exactly what I think of the type of person you describe here. Yes it sounds bitter and angry but then you sound quite satisfied with what you've said at the end, as in you sound as though you said what you needed to say and you feel better for throwing it out into the world. I really like the rewrite as well. Even if the -ness words do sound ugly I don't see that as a problem when the poem talks of false beauty. A few ugly words, in my opinion, do not go amiss as they strenghten the anger expressed at such false people. I enjoyed reading it very much.

You know, I've read a few of your poems and I want to tell you how much I respect your writing - you hit everything dead on. This is a piece half the surplice population can relate to, and the half that can't you wouldn't want to associate with anyway. I commented on the rhythm of an other one of your pieces and I must say my advice on that one doesn't apply here. This piece doesn't sound musical but its not meant to and it has rhythm. Very few poems can get away sounding like poetry without rhyming but this one is one of the few that dose. I am really looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hi, I just joined this site and your poem is the first poem that i have read. I guess i got lucky because I really like this poem and I think it's very good.

hey pen, dogs here

I really really like your poem it flows really well and it has a lot of meaning in it. i can't find anything that has already been adressed.

what i like the most about this poem is how you are saying that i may be ugly but i know a ton of stuff and that she is wearing a mask. the only thing that i don't like is when you say "i would rather be hedious than vain". i don't really understand that. but i like the poem over all

I think that this is a really great poem and i think that you should continue all of the great work










TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey I read both poems, and honestly , I disagree with what everybody else said!
I actually prefered the first version of the poem.
I liked the way that it did address me! Because quite honestly I can say that I do judge people on the way that they look, and maybe I don't do it to the extremes as the girl you are describing in the poem does, but I still do. I think that everybody does to be homest. I think that by addressing me also, it gave stronger emotion to the poem, and really really showed your frustration towarda this person.

Call me "ugly" one more time.

Come on.

I dare you.

I'd rather be hideous than be vain,

Callous and self-absorbed;

Choking on make-up and brand names.

My face is no enemy to you

But your shrill voice

And petty chatter

Insult me like nothing else can.

I doubt you've ever read Shakespeare especially like this part, it has more effect this way then when you change it i the second version

Or watched Monty Python.

I doubt you understand politics

Or can unravel metaphors.

Your painted face

Is only a mask.

If I am ugly,

At least I am honest about it;

Unlike you,

Who strut about putting on

False smiles and fake courtesies.

At least I don't pretend to be skinny

And stuff myself into jeans

Two sizes too small.

At least my face,

Made of paper, mud, and pink erasors, misspelt eraser

Has never been marred

By powder or gunk.

My ugliness is honesty;

Your prettiness a lie.

I would rather respected for my mind I would rather be

Than ogled for forged beauty.

very nice job editing
liked the poem alot, has alot of meaning and feeling behind it
in the rewrite you addressed its problems very well... and now i don't feel verbally abused
anyway, would be longer, might have been an actual review (O_O)
but, alas, i have run out of time
well done, and keep writing!

-Grimy

Hey, Explosive I seem to be on a roll for random pieces of work that appear at the top of the screen as yours did, so let's start. xD Hm... I like both versions. I'll do the second one first:

Choking on make-up and brand names,
She mouths "ugly" with a whispered breath.
But I'd rather be hideous than be vain,
Callous and self-absorbed. You have this wonderful voice in your poetry, it's almost as if through words you are truly true <weird phrasing > you do get what I mean though, right? I hope xD
My face is no enemy to her
But her shrill voice
And petty chatter
Insult me like nothing else can.
She gossips and prattles on,
But there is nothing Shakespearean,
Metaphorical or political.
Her painted face
Is only a mask. Really nice thought, I love it. I adore the thought of them having nothing underneath, they're so superficial and shallow. It's very unfair on people who actually possess intellect, and interest.
If I am ugly,
At least I am honest about it;
Unlike her,
Strutting about and putting on
False smiles and fake courtesies.
At least I don't pretend to be skinny
And stuff myself into jeans
Two sizes too small.
At least my face,
Made of paper, mud, and pink erasers, I adore that line!
Has never been marred
By powder or gunk.
Men pass by her D'ya think pass her by would work better? I personally think it reads and flows better, but you might disagree so...
And look her up and down.
They wink at her;
Why?
Because she is pretty?
Like a spider,
She draws them in,
Only to catch them in her web.
Her beauty is the lie
For which she is ogled.
But my ugliness (Couldn't seem to think of what to replace that "ness" word with)
Gives way to the respect
That can only be earned with the mind. I absolutely adore the end, adore it. Only be earned with the mind. It's beautiful, Pen, I love it

Although the poem was pretty simple and slightly cliched, you did a good job of expressing the emotions. It was really powerful and when I read it, it was as if I could feel the anger that you've felt.

Well, I have nothing to point out except for this line:

"I would rather respected for my mind"

Are you trying to say that you "would be respected for your mind" or "would rather respect your mind?"

Well, anyway, keep writing, and keep up the good work!

Hm. I'm not sure which version I like better, actually. The big chunk you added at the end of the second draft--

Men pass by her
And look her up and down.
They wink at her;
Why?
Because she is pretty?
Like a spider,
She draws them in,
Only to catch them in her web.

This is very powerful. And it was all throughout the poem, until we hit the VERY last line:

"I would rather respected for my mind

Than ogled for forged beauty."

I think that that is a lovely line, but i don't really think it is the right ending... to me it came out as just talking. I hope I am making sense! I just mean that the flow of your beautiful poem seemed to have trailed off in that last line?
PM if you have any problems with what i said!

I can't wait to read more of your work!!

i like it a ton better. i would say its 99% better. very very very well done.

Alrighty! I think I've got enough advice to do a rewrite so, here goes.


Choking on make-up and brand names,
She mouths "ugly" with a whispered breath.
But I'd rather be hideous than be vain,
Callous and self-absorbed.
My face is no enemy to her
But her shrill voice
And petty chatter
Insult me like nothing else can.
She gossips and prattles on,
But there is nothing Shakespearean,
Metaphorical or political.
Her painted face
Is only a mask.
If I am ugly,
At least I am honest about it;
Unlike her,
Strutting about and putting on
False smiles and fake courtesies.
At least I don't pretend to be skinny
And stuff myself into jeans
Two sizes too small.
At least my face,
Made of paper, mud, and pink erasers,
Has never been marred
By powder or gunk.
Men pass by her
And look her up and down.
They wink at her;
Why?
Because she is pretty?
Like a spider,
She draws them in,
Only to catch them in her web.
Her beauty is the lie
For which she is ogled.
But my ugliness (Couldn't seem to think of what to replace that "ness" word with)
Gives way to the respect
That can only be earned with the mind.



Hmm.... I'm not so sure if this works better, what with the whole added middle part. I think that added more show, though.... So let's see what the readers think!

Woot for empowering poetry

My advice, summarised, would be that there's some excellent lines that are getting lost in the blah lines, and you'd pack a lot more punch if you streamlined.

Let me try and explain myself...

Call me "ugly" one more time.
Come on.
I dare you.
I'd rather be hideous than be vain,
Callous and self-absorbed;
Choking on make-up and brand names.

There the end line is a really interesting image, but we open with a lot of chatter, something you could here in everyday conversation. If you opened with that last line, pow, we'd be straight in there...

Choking on make up and brand names,
and yet you find the breath to call me ugly

Aaaah, I just love that choking image, I want to run off with it now! Be wary of anything that trips out of your fingers easily. If it just comes to you, it's quite possibly ordinary speech that's obscuring your more beautiful lines.

Take the section where you detail the things she can't do, which implicitly, the narrator can.

I doubt you've ever read Shakespeare
Or watched Monty Python.
I doubt you understand politics
Or can unravel metaphors

I like that it's personal, you get a sense of a real person instead of just a generic "I'm cleverer nuuuuur", but it feels like a bit of a list. So if you streamlined, you'd get more punch. Like "Your pout spouts no Shakespeare, no politics, no poignant metaphors'. Put all your good ideas in one condensed bit of space and your reader is left reeling from the impact. Drag them out and we yawn.

Before I close, I'd just like to say that I love 'Made of paper, mud, and pink erasors'. Not only is the image really strong, but there's a bit of assonanse going on between the paper and erasors, it feels a bit lyrical

So yeah, streamline, make it all fresh, if we've heard it, cut it! Hope that helped

I loved this poem. I mean, absolutely from the bottom of my heart loved it. This poem describes my life to the tee.

I love the meaning behind this. It's wonderful that you ccan except you as you. I like the imagery, your diction seems a little blane but that can't be helped.
I like how strongly your feeling are expressed, BUT the line seems thin between who you're angry at and who you can contrast with. Is there no one else you can relate to? It's almost like you're isolating yourself. Like you're the only one...But that's not a bad thing when the poems meant to center your emotions. I'm just a bit confused on were your passion burns and were it's at ease.
Nice. ^^ Two thimbs up.

Hey there Pen! June here!

Suzanne just pointed out what I was going to say. Gah, she took the words out of my mouth. Or fingers.

Made of paper, mud, and pink erasors,

wow!
i really like this poem.
i could not explain how do i feel as i read it.
it's true, it's good to be ugly than wearing mask and hiding who you are.

Great work!

Hello Pen!

My ugliness is honesty;
Your prettiness a lie.