So sorry I embarrassed you
And maybe ruined your life.
But it can’t even begin to compare
To how much you’ve ruined me.
A wave of the hand,
A smile here or there.
No? Not even a whispered hello?
Well, I’m sorry I said it,
Too bold, too soon.
Did I scare you with my honesty?
Did I put you on the spot?
I admit, I hadn’t expected a “yes.”
I just hadn’t expected it to hurt,
Like a dagger in my stomach;
Like a steel hand
Tearing out my heart,
Carving up my soul.
I’m sorry it’s not easy,
But I had expected you to try.
I’ve never seen you as someone
Who’d give up before he began.
But don’t you know that words
Hang heavy in the air?
Don’t you know that they grow
And fill the space above us?
And “no” becomes a scream,
A white-hot brand on my chest,
The letters N-O bruised and burned
Deep into my skin — a perpetual scar.
Now I know that love
Isn’t that sweet cozy feeling
Of butterflies and chocolate hearts
And much favored yellow roses.
But I’ll bet you don’t even know
That they’re my favorite flower.
A rose gives more comfort than you.
Oh, well, dear. I’m sorry.
What more can I say?
I’m sorry I did love you.
But I’m not sorry now I don’t.
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So sorry I embarrassed you
And maybe ruined your life.
Try saying how you did that. And it sounds as though the person hurt her, so wh yshould she be sorry. I got mixed emotions from this: Sorrow and anger.
But it can’t even begin to compare
To how much you’ve ruined me.
I don't know, this seems pretty weak. try using some descriptive words as to what she's feeling.
A wave of the hand,
A smile here or there.
This part doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem. is this his actions or hers? does this mean they still talk?
No? Not even a whispered hello?
If they don't even say hello, then the lines above don't make sense because above they seem as though they talk.
Well, I’m sorry I said it,
Too bold, too soon.
Maybe make this, "Was I too bold, did i speak too soon?" It fits in with the lines underneath, which are questions.
I admit, I hadn’t expected a “yes.”
I just hadn’t expected it to hurt,
Like a dagger in my stomach;
Like a steel hand
Tearing out my heart,
Carving up my soul.
I like the expressions here, but i think you need to add an 'or' instead of the semicolon between stomach and like. Also, maybe make the next lines, 'You tore out my heart, you carved up my soul.'
I’m sorry it’s not easy,
What's not easy? Try to elaborate just a little. talking with her? Going out?
But I had expected you to try.
I’ve never seen you as someone
Who’d give up before he began.
I like the sense of betrayal in these words, because i think thats what you want the person to sound like she's feeling, betrayed. if you make all your lines convey this emotion, then you'd really have something.
But don’t you know that words
Hang heavy in the air?
I think that you should change this to make it either, 'your unspoken words hang heavy in the air, smothering what we had till its dead and gone' (something like that) or 'the words you spoke still ring in my ears, filling the ever present silence between us.'
And “no” becomes a scream,
Maybe make this, 'and your 'no' becomes a scream'
A white-hot brand on my chest,
The letters N-O bruised and burned
I think it would sound better if you just put burne instead of bruised and burned.
And much favored yellow roses.
This sentence was awkward, try to reword it.
overall, i really liked it as a read, but i find that you lack emotion in this writing. Make her pain and betrayal obvious in every word. then it makes the whole thing much more powerful. great job overall though!
i liked it good job
Ok..I'm kinda new at this but yeah I liked it alot.
You had some grammer mistakes...I do too so don't worry.
Though over all it was really good and understandable.
Hey, Pen, here as requested! Thanks for using my thread, and so sorry it took me this long to get around to this!
Hmm, your talking about a life ruined, correct? So I'd rephrase it as 'to how much you've ruined mine'. As an added bonus, you get a nice little slant rhyme to 'life'.
Alright, so. I like this! I completely agree with Suzanne, though, about this being a poem that we can't entirely appreciate without understanding the situation. For example:
Yes to what? We can't understand why this "yes" is shocking without knowing what the initial question was. And then, here you seem to contradict yourself:
So now it's a "no"? When did that happen? You are poetically rambling, and it's a lovely poem by itself, but when we try to actually follow a story behind it, we find that we can't because we aren't given enough information.
That said, I do think it's excecuted well. The imagery of words hanging heavy in the air is something I can appreciate and envision, and the lines about butterflies and chocolate hearts were a nice touch. I do have one complaint there, though:
This line seems to be written in a different tone, a different emotion than the rest of the poem. In the whole poem, although you're talking about a rather troubling event, your words are careful, measured, and not at all angry. The tone is cold and, despite the title, rather unforgiving-- however, it doesn't seem whiney. This line here jumps out as more scathing than the rest of the poem. It's blunt, unlike the rest of the poem, and it's almost like you've suddenly gone from controlled anger to an immature whine.
All that paragraph for me just trying to tell you that I didn't really like this line, dear.
If you unravel the double and triple negatives here, you'll see that these two lines are stating the exact same thing, despite the 'but' which would indicate a contradiction.
Does that make sense? The rewrite would be either:
I'm sorry that I loved you
But now I'm sorry that I don't.
-or-
I'm sorry that I loved you
And now I'm not sorry that I don't.
I personally, like the first suggestion better, because it means you, despite the entire poem, despite all of the pain and the tears and the hurt, are still a little bit in love with the guy. The second suggestion means that it was all one big mistake, and you're not sorry to leave him behind and move forward.
Lovely poem, dear.
~Evi
Howdy! Your constant grammatically and spelling-ly correct poems are starting to irritate me Eliza. Can't you mess up on something just once?
Anyway, though I sort of know what you're talking about, I have to agree with Suzanne that this isn't really a poem for other people as much as it is for yourself. I get that it's about you and that special someone and rejection, yada yada yada, but I'm not really sure what happened and well, I don't know. It seems to me as though you wrote this expecting all who read it to know exactly what you were talking about and how you felt, like they were there watching your life. Anyway, one little thing I found so far as flow and all that jazz:
I had to read this a few times to try and figure out how you wanted the breaks to go, and I actually still don't know. I would get rid of a comma or two and maybe combine something. Either way, your basically flawless poetry is making me jealous in that best friend sort of way.
Hey there! Here to deliver my review as promised.
The biggest issue in this poem, I found, is that you're talking to someone and about something that I, the reader, don't know at all. This seems like a great poem to get out emotions, but as a poem for others to read, it needs work. Good poetry involves the reader by either making him think, react, feel, or anything else. In some way, it has an effect on the reader. Since this poem was about something I could neither relate to nor understand, you have immediately made it hard for me to enjoy this poem.
Try to write not about the situation, but about an event, or talk about the situation through an event. Explain the emotions in not so a detached way. You don't need to give every detail, but make the situation apparent so the reader can relate to it in their own lives and share your emotions. Your asking questions and speaking directly too a person who isn't reading this poem. If you want to write a poem for that person, give it to him. But obviously you don't, so write this for your reader, not that guy! Whoever he is.
Remember that poems consist of a lot more than words: imagery of the senses (touch, taste, sent, hearing, and the most abused, sight), figurative language, sound devices. There are so many things you can do to make your poetry more lively for your reader.
Maybe look around for some poetry online. I find reading poetry to be one of the best ways to learn poetry. Some of my favorite poets: Longfellow, Dickinson, T.S. Elliot, Pound, Spenser, and Byron.
Here are just some minor comments:
This doesn't really make sense. It should be written, "I'm sorry I did love you, but I'm not sorry now that I don't." Grammatically, that's good, but it still reads funny so you might consider rewording.
Pay attention to grammar. You have periods and commas in places where they don't belong grammatically, and it makes reading it choppy. For example:
Should be:
So sorry I embarrassed you
And maybe ruined your life,
But it can't even being to compare
To how much you've ruined mine.
Best of luck!