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12+

reality doesn't work

by Evander


my nightmares now are my constant lullaby;
terrors keep me clinging onto soft blankets at night.
with my nightly cup of Sweet Dreams, all i know is:
the world won't stop spinning to meet my demands

wait for a minute and then stop at eleven.
close your eyes, don't pray, wait for heaven.
keep your plushies close and your friends closer,
wait for the news to bring stories some closure.

the description goes a bit like this: me, only worse.
dreams melting into the backgrounds of reality;
black ooze dripping out of pale eye sockets, finally.
wake up in the middle of the night, breathe in life

my lullabies sing high in pitch, throwing fits--fists;
i'm kept from sleep until the last note is sung.
the bruises on my thighs turning mint green
i spit out my mint tea onto the floor and fade

wait for a minute and then stop at eleven
close your eyes, don't pray, wait for heaven
keep your plushies close and your friends closer
wait for the news to bring stories some closure

keep the wheel turning, the cycle of fear going
the walls of my mind close in on my thought
everything i dreamt turning out to be for naught
keep the spokes in rotation, for the sake of hate

wait for a minute and then stop at eleven
close your eyes, don't pray, wait for heaven
keep your plushies close and your friends closer
wait for the news to bring stories some closure


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18 Reviews


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Wed Sep 14, 2016 3:08 am
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GeorgiaMasonIII wrote a review...



Well, I loved this. I especially love the level of detail here; it's very vivid, almost difficult to read (in a good way).

The only critique I have is that your rhyme scheme seems to differ between your first and second verses. If that was intentional, I personally would be bothered by it as a listener, but that could be just my personal tastes talking.




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Fri Jun 17, 2016 9:39 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey, Adri! I figured I'd drop by and give you a quick review on this set of lyrics, but you already knew that, haha.

So to start with, when I read this shortly after you posted it, I figured that you meant for it to be sung in a hip-hop style -- and I was right, from asking you -- so you already have points in my book for being able to accurately convey that. Not only that, but knowing one of your big inspirations for this style, I can say that I can hear her in this, but I can also hear you.

You wrote a piece where the style was inspired by someone else, but you made it work in your own style, too. That's something that people have to really work at doing a lot of the time -- in some cases, some songs, it just falls together like this, but there's still a lot of refining work that can be done.

I'll start with my first critique being your consonant sounds. Especially in lyrical hip-hop, consonants are a big deal, I'm sure you know. They're what breaks up the sound and gives a sense of the lyrical beat and rhythm. You have a few lines where you have soft consonant sounds that I feel aren't broken up well ("soft blankets", "dreams melting"), and they might bear re-organizing the sounds to figure them out.

In general, soft consonants -- like F, B, and M -- should probably be paired with harder consonants -- like T and K -- so there's a more clearly delineated break. Or, if you're so inclined, you could have a momentary rest or pause between the words (like "dreams (beat) melting") so the consonants don't bleed into each other. Both of these are things that you can finagle with a performance, since you can make soft consonants sound harder and insert beats into your lines.

Another critique I have is with your rhyme scheme. If I'm right, in your verses you have an ABBC rhyme scheme, where the inner two lines rhyme and the first and last don't, which I think is a cool way to handle stuff like this. You also have some interior rhymes within a few lines that fit wonderfully within the beat I'm hearing from these lyrics.

However, your first verse at the very beginning seems to have an AABC rhyme scheme instead; I don't know if you're planning on starting the song off one way and changing it to another to match this musically, but as it is on paper, it looks kind of awkward. If you were to put this directly next to the rest of your verses, it feels off to me, like it doesn't quite match.

Moving on to word choice. As you know, it's incredibly important, especially in a genre like this where every sound adds up to a greater whole. In your chorus, you repeat "wait" within two lines, and it sounds kind of like a repetition that doesn't quite work. Maybe replace the second one with something else that has a similar meaning and sound?

As well, your repetition, especially in the chorus, feels a little off. Maybe it's because I'm used to the chorus changing a little by the end to convey some change in the narrator's ideas or some revealed part of them. With how desperate this narrator sounds in the verses, the dry repetition of the same chorus over and over doesn't match the tone of the rest of the piece. Even if you just changed the ending chorus a little, then I think it would help a lot with the feeling of repetition.

If you have any questions, of course feel free to ask me! I hope you have a great day, and above all else, keep writing!




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Fri Jun 17, 2016 5:08 pm
reikann wrote a review...



To begin with, musical lyrics are always a challenge without their accompanying music, but we can look at this like a poem nevertheless.
The nightmare feel of verses three and six do an excellent job with the motif of nightmares. I almost find them hard to read, as if each line is a body of its own as well as being a part of the whole. As a song, that can either be a boon or a bane, depending on the genre.
As song lyrics, the repetition of verse two, verse five, and verse seven sound like a good way to lend rhythm to and tie off a song - or narrative. The contrast of the constant reference to heaven and the hellscape of nightmares are probably the best thing about your chorus.
As song lyrics, it would sound nice. As a verse of poetry, the repetition is an opportunity that feels partly wasted. If you could find a way for the verses to lend a new meaning to chorus each round, it would work better as a poem.
I especially like line 4 and and line 9. Line 4 could either be a plaintive cry of distress or a cold, hard, fact, and it feels like both. I also like how it ties to line 24, which is the last unique line in the poem, with their themes of spinning and rotation. Line 9 I read as a lyric in a song, where the music stops and the beat shifts as the music fades into the nightmare zone. 'me, but worse.' - we've all felt that before, somehow. It's personal.
In conclusion, I like it. If it were to be a poem alone, I'd recommend you work with the 'chorus' and make it mesh with the verses better, and as a song I'd recommend finding a way for each line to flow into the next more gracefully, but the lyrics alone are only half the story.
Good luck!




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Thu Jun 16, 2016 6:17 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello, AdrianMoon!

ooooh lyrics.
To be honest, I don't believe I've reviewed lyrics? I might've before, but I wouldn't have remembered, I haven't reviewed in quite a long time.

Now let's start with things I like. I absolutely adore the chorus, especially the part about the plushies. One of many music artists I like is Melanie Martinez. I don't know if you've heard of her but this gives off a vibe very similar to her music, mixing innocence with deeper emotion. If you haven't listened to her, I suggest you'd do so.

Now I previously mentioned innocence mixed in with deeper emotion. Almost nobody can successfully do that, and I congratulate you for being one who can!

If you compare this to my lyrics, mine are trash (but to be fair I haven't written lyrics since I was like, 9)

I usually fear trying to interpret poems and lyrics in fear that I'll be wrong or possibly offend the author, so please correct me if I'm wrong. I interpreted the lyrics as somebody young, who's becoming traumatized, or possibly in fear of reality.

I found nothing wrong with the lyrics, and I loved the use of words in the poem (I know, very unspecific, but I loved the word use in the entire poem)

I'll wrap up the review here. I'd love to hear this set to music sometime! Keep on writing!

~Moonwatcher




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Wed Jun 15, 2016 4:46 am
Charm says...



I love me some good lyrics and these are better than good. Great job, Adrian :)




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Tue Jun 14, 2016 9:39 pm
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NerdGeek says...



Wow, I really like this. I'm assuming they're lyrics to a song; I can imagine them set to rock music. Good job!




Evander says...


Thank you!




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