she takes the cigarette from her mouth and blows smoke into the wind. it's gray. it's going to fade away. it's going to leave stench. a lasting impression like italics and bold. it makes no sound but i can hear it, ringing. it's horrible. i'm choking.
dad said she's going to die.
dad said it's called the stick of death.
dad said to never follow in her footsteps.
dad said to not confront her about this habit.
dad says she quit months ago.
it leaves a lasting impression that i want to burn away. burn. burn it all. it makes me sick to my stomach. i resist the urge to vomit all over the stained carpet. i think she's going to burn out soon.
the time the odor fades away. gone for good. she slowly steps up the stairs. ready for the next one. dragging her feet with her. she looks tired. there are bags under her eyes. she's brushing her teeth more often now. yellow. the color yellow means happy, but it's dreary. and dead.
calling.
waiting.
everything.
she says, after a hallow laugh, "I meant to quit two weeks ago. My last pack was bought on the trip. Someone gave me more. Gifts are funny things, aren't they?"
'i meant to quit two weeks ago.' i never knew she started again.
that's a lie.
i knew that she walked up the stairs. hiding something beside her. didn't look. assumed she was enjoying fresh air. i ignored her.
she knows she's going to die.
she knows it's called the stick of death.
she knows i will never follow in her steps
she knows we won't confront her.
she knows she quit months ago.
but that last comment isn't lasting. it doesn't leave an mark. it hurts. but it fades away after a time. burning on my memory until it's gone. then she'll come back up, dragging her feet with her. ready to start again.
the urge is calling.
waiting.
everything.
she can't just quit.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Man, I don't think I have much to say, but I'm going to try to give you a quality review anyhow.
I like the repeated sequences, but I'm sticking to what I said before-- get rid of the extras.
For example, the lines about you following in her steps. Yes, I know that that's important, but is it important to the point of the poem? This poem is about her quitting, not you starting.
A lot of this poem is leaving me wondering why? Like, why not confront her? It's not explained, and I really don't think you should explain. But I don't really think you should explicitly state it either. It's obvious that they aren't confronting her, no? The "Me" character in this seems to be just accepting it, so no confrontation.
I like the thing with the yellow.
This poem just seems to take a long time to say something I think you could say just as thoroughly in half the length.
I think you captured the sort of deadinside emotion well.
Let me know if you have any questions, and Keep writing!
~fort
Wow, so very depressing. I think that's the most depressing poem I've ever read on here. I give you that. Man, talking about depressing...
Anyways! Review time! I noticed there was no capitalization whatsoever. I think it was probably because you just didn't want to or something. Your punctuation was really good though, and that made it very smooth to read. To be honest, it was more like a poem/story. I like the contrast between them, and the idea was a very good idea for this kind of writing. Okay, I'm rambling now. I like to compare every poem I read to two words. 1) Feelings: This was so clear, I thought it was ice. It was crystal clear what you were trying to say. I imagined everything in my head, like a story, but felt the intense feeling in it, like a poem. It was awesome! 2) Wording: This was precise, and perfect. Of course in my opinion. Everything seemed to flow easily. There wasn't a glitch, and if there was I probably looked over it. I usually do that...bad habit of mine.
Okay, time to say goodbye, and awesome job! You rocked with this poem! Write more, and keep 'em coming. May you find a four-leaf clover today (or tonight depending on your time zone), and good luck!!! BYE!!!!!
~Laelle
This is a beautiful and excellent work that you have created here, Adri. Great job!
I like how the message is clear and profound - smoking is a harmful habit, but it is virtually impossible, without assistance, to quit. The way that you communicate the message over the course of your work is incredible. Even the narrator, who isn't smoking at all, is being hurt by the cigarette, by its noxious fumes and its horrid smell. The way you describe how the narrator's mother is slowly dying in front of the narrator's eyes is incredible, and it is that description has to be my favorite part in the story. The final lines in the story, which communicate her inability to quit, are also instrumental to the story, and stick in the reader's mind as an example of the influence the cigarette has on people. When it comes to your plot events and your setting, you picture everything so clearly, and I'm amazed by your skill as a writer.
I like the way that you incorporate the series of poetry lines into this prose story - they add to the story and make it unique, and also develop your message in a vivid way. By describing the cigarettes as "sticks of death," you make it clear how harmful and lethal they are. When you combine those poetry lines with the prose on the state of the health of the narrator's mother, you make a powerful message that sticks in the mind of the reader, leaving an impression just like the one left in the air made by the cigarette smoke. The images are vivid, powerful, and thoughtful, and your ability to craft such a story like this is remarkable.
In all, I am deeply impressed by the story that you have created. Not only did you skillfully compose a story, combining elements of poetry and prose to communicate a message, you made it clear the harm of cigarettes, and the inability to escape the urge. The urge that calls, waits, is everything in the mind of smokers. I have no complaints - this story is beautiful, heartfelt, excellently composed, and I'm amazed. Well done!
Oh wow , here for a review for team WHY?
keep on writing!
This was a really inspirational poem, just wow . I must say I loved the usage of short sentences, it added to that serious, sad, empty feeling I got from reading this poem.
You didn't capitalize a single thing, not even the letter "I" . Usually you capitalize the beginning of sentences and the letter I . Something that would make this poem even more lasting in the readers mind and not quite so intimidating to look at (I don't like reading long poems) would be breaking this up into stanzas so it would be something like this.
..................
................
...............
.............
or for this poem in particular I would go two long lines, a group of stanzas , two long lines , another group, and then the last stanza. That'd be really pretty here and help with flow making an amazing poem even better ! I'd love to see that
Also, just a few grammatical errors here and there that a quick proofread would totally fix.
The best part here was the use of repetition with she she she and dad dad dad and ho those two stanzas were also similar. Beautiful done , repetition is a miracle worker for poems in which you really have a strong message like this one.
Certainly a unique poem that some formatting would really enhance . But, really, it was amazing especially for someone your age and I encourage you to take the advice you get on this site an use it, it helped me grow so much
~Kat
Sorry it keeps posting twice.
I think it might be a little better without the second 'burn'.
Here. (to burn away. burn. burn it all.)
I feel after vomit you sound add a comma, it adds an effect that just seems a little right to me. I think, instead of all those periods you should have some commas. I mean I get that they're phrases and all, but don't always end two words with a period.
Here. (the time the odor fades away. gone for good. she slowly steps up the stairs. ready for the next one. dragging her feet with her. she looks tired. t)
Lastly I kind of feel like you need a different word than everything, to me it just doesn't fit perfectly.
Here. (the urge is calling.
waiting.
everything.)
I don't know I could be wrong with half of this but this is how I feel.