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12+

obsessive compulsive

by Evander


Author's note: I'm looking for general thoughts on this? I really want to improve upon it. Uh, literally, any and all feedback is welcome! 

-

i never got to kiss you under the moonlight;
you thought the exchange of saliva triggered my ocd,
but i deal with larger beasts in the middle of the night.
regardless, you hold my hand to point out constellations,
assuring me that my obsessions didn't dictate the universe.

intrusive thoughts are like pop-up ads on a windows desktop,
but i can't change that simile into a metaphor about the stars,
so i'll have to wait for your expert paintings until i pay 100 dollars
for a therapy appointment to remind me how to click the red 'x'.

there's a virus in my operating system that infiltrated every file,
so i want to kiss you under the moonlight atop this hill but i can't.
because i don't want to infect you with my pop-up ads and so i'll
hold your hand as the wet grass soaks my moth-bitten clothes.

maybe one day i'll get this metaphor strai-- WARNING, WARNING,
SYSTEM SHUT DOWN. SYSTEM SHUT DOWN. WARNING.
DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS COURSE OF ACTION. YOU ARE
A MONSTER* AND HERE ARE FIVE THOUSAND IMAGES DOWNLOADED
TO YOUR MAINFRAME. YOU CANNOT SLEEP TONIGHT.

hold me during this sleepless night and
hang me next to the constellations when
my body turns to stardust and my brain shatters

*intrusive thoughts toned down
for the sake of the viewing audience.


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Tue May 01, 2018 9:55 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Thought I should follow through and review this since you made my ocd kick in.
Thanks for that.

These are just some general thoughts because there's not too many overall reaching issues. You're pretty good on flow, there's some lines that stick and I'll probably just point those out somewhere down there.

i never got to kiss you under the moonlight;
you thought the exchange of saliva triggered my ocd,
but i deal with larger beasts in the middle of the night.
regardless, you hold my hand to point out constellations,
assuring me that my obsessions didn't dictate the universe.

- Maybe/maybe not misread beasts as something else the first time through and then felt the need to make a joke about it down here.
- So teen fiction is what the genre is labeled, so that means by default it will have some involvement of romance, so the opening line starts to connect. It sounds more like mournful teenager than anything else but you are a mournful teenager so lol, take that comment whichever way you will.
- The alternate character to the narrator seems more like a doubter than anything else, even though there's all these compassionate descriptions around them.

intrusive thoughts are like pop-up ads on a windows desktop,
but i can't change that simile into a metaphor about the stars,
so i'll have to wait for your expert paintings until i pay 100 dollars
for a therapy appointment to remind me how to click the red 'x'.

- The imagery really was something that drew me to this poem, aside from like the obvious relatable parts that we have talked about so many times. Get too many pop up ads and there's no computer program to get rid of them, which leads us to the very, very dark side. I'd like to avoid the dark side and I know you would too lol.

there's a virus in my operating system that infiltrated every file,
so i want to kiss you under the moonlight atop this hill but i can't.
because i don't want to infect you with my pop-up ads and so i'll
hold your hand as the wet grass soaks my moth-bitten clothes.

- Shucks, you're gonna make me cry.

maybe one day i'll get this metaphor strai-- WARNING, WARNING,
SYSTEM SHUT DOWN. SYSTEM SHUT DOWN. WARNING.
DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS COURSE OF ACTION. YOU ARE
A MONSTER* AND HERE ARE FIVE THOUSAND IMAGES DOWNLOADED
TO YOUR MAINFRAME. YOU CANNOT SLEEP TONIGHT.

- Some more commentary on how this is a bit unique and thanks for cutting off the electronic screeching before it got too bad. The ideas are switching tracks a little bit too quickly for my tastes, but you get to the next part on time. I get having the footnote at the bottom but consider splicing it in higher.

*intrusive thoughts toned down
for the sake of the viewing audience.

Loved this a bit too much. The formatting is also great and you've got the unique aspect going on, so enjoy that.


hold me during this sleepless night and
hang me next to the constellations when
my body turns to stardust and my brain shatters

- Shucks, you did make me cry.
- Twas teenage drama.
- I managed not to criticize it too much.

Alright darling, sorry this wasn't much of a review.
I'm saving my savage critiquing for someone who really needs it.
Just think a bit about getting to that focus and ping me on discord for some specifics discussion.
~ lizz <3




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Thu Apr 26, 2018 5:10 pm
Ishan212 says...



Ocd ocd ocd. I could really relate to this..Do check out my work in the same topic...




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Thu Apr 26, 2018 12:57 pm
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fishsashimi wrote a review...



Hey, Onii-Chan here!

Wow, this was deep. I’m a bit bipolar so I can partially relate. I love how you used a virus in a computer to compare with your OCD. It was really original of you to come up with that idea, especially the fourth stanza, yet I think you could have wrote that stanza better. Also, ocd is capitalized, unless you meant to be (everything else was lowercase). This was a great poem!

Keep on Writing!




Evander says...


I was torn between capitalizing OCD and leaving it lowercase. Do you think the poem would be improved stylistically by capitalizing it?

Haha, I think I actually took the pop-up metaphor from a book that I read!

Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the fourth stanza? I know that it isn't my strongest in the poem, but I'm unsure of how to make it better. Is the flow off? Is it the usage of caps?

Thank you so much for the review!



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Thu Apr 26, 2018 12:29 pm
sagnik wrote a review...



so so deep.So there's a conflict between peace n ocd in the poem .The reference of stars n constellations keep on recurring themselves time to time as they represent everything harmonious n beautiful.there is ocd which is beastly n manifests on the speaker from time to time.Love has become unattainable or unreachable for the speaker because ocd has come in between. The similes n metaphors from the digital dimension tend to make the things more simple n relate-able for the readers.Very well execution of this complex topic.Keep writing.




Evander says...


Thank you for the review!




I don't do time.
— Liberty