we sat together on the pier, surveying the ocean ahead.
i told you it was called 'clearwater', but it didn't live up to its name.
waves crashed back and forth, spraying us with brackish water.
yet you never complained about the wind in your hair--the salt.
our legs dangled over the edge of the water, with truth spilling out;
"i never liked the seagulls much," you confided, hoping the sea
would drown out your words, much like it drowned our friendship.
you leaned over and bit off the top of my ice cream cone, one gulp.
i didn't have the heart to tell you that a seagull had stolen my ice cream.
you picked up my fries and started to test me, taking them one by one;
i let you take the rest of my ice cream, like the seagull before you,
and i rested my head against your shoulder, despite the riptide in our lives.
"much of the sand on this beach is made up of quartz crystals," i said,
tasting the remnants of vanilla in the corner of my mouth. i smiled.
you combed your fingers through my blonde mess of hair, struggling
through the fine layer of aerosolized seawater, yet we both laughed.
"crushed seashells make for pretty beaches," was your only response.
i wondered if the riptide could overtake this moment, pulling you under.
the seagulls wouldn't save us, despite my previous (unwilling) offering;
so i held you tight on the pier, as you stole my food (but i kept my heart)
some white sand beaches come from parrot fish crap,
but i didn't tell you that.
Author's note: I realize I have some problems with punctuation, being specific, and I fear that I'm never clear enough with my imagery. I also fear that this was a bit more sad than I intended, haha.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Castor!
Here, I dont think 'surveyed' is a good word to use instead to seeing. It implies something formal and more of an inspection which I dont believe is the intention here.
It always gets readers, especially me, irritated to see the lack of capitals. Your "i"s should be "I"s.
I cant imagine waves crashing back and forth, seems partly chaos, this makes it seem explicit that you have added this only to increase the effective line length. As a reader I shouldn't come to such a conclusion.
I would use a comma instead of a "--" . I'm not quite sure what this punctuation mark is used for, but I'm always ready to learn something new!
Capitalization again.
The first part, you saying that your legs dangled over the edge of the water, makes no sense. Water doesn't have an edge.
The preposition "with" has no meaning here, I cut it out. maybe convey the idea that even though you try to conceal it the ocean somehow forces this truth out.
I dont understand why telling you hate seagulls is in the category of confiding. If they symbolize something else, you should say or rather, indicate that in the poem somewhere. then this sentence would have meaning.
THe third line is structured beutifully. I like the character of the girl. The ocean is being portrayed as something that is not very liked by both of them, but she seems to have some tolerance towards it. If only you could make the ocean itself a metaphor for something...
I'd use a 'but' instead of an 'and' for the start of the last line to show that even though she did all this, the narrator is still ready to be with her. Or maybe cut the conjunction altogether.
I like the use of "riptide" to remind us that we are still near the ocean. Great job!
I liked the enjambment in the last lines. It emphasizes the struggle by going to the next line.
"aerosolized"?
The "yet" seems out of place.
I feel like the flow is being cut here. The response to me at least seems no where connected to what the narrator has said previously.
Second line is just brilliant.
As for the third and fourth I thought that the parentheses would be better substituted with a comma. Because what you wrote in them seems important and things in parentheses can be quickly overlooked even though they really matter. But that's really up to you.
A caesura would have worked well in the last line. A period/full stop after food. And then as if introducing a whole new idea, you could say "But I kept my heart" or "But not my heart". this will bring the point home more and the pause allows the reader to consider what you are saying because the period/full stop forces him to stop and think.
For some reason, you may or may not have intended this, I read these line as a change in the narrator's attitude from tolerance to right out loathing.
I like this ending. Maybe the narrator has just had enough. I dont know though.
If you intended something else. I'd love to know.
Your poem was great overall.
Keep writing!!!
~ILived
Thank you so much for the review! I will definitely try to keep some of the suggestions into account when I edit this!
I couldn't think of another word to aptly describe the sea spray on the narrator's hair, haha.
The Big Book of YWS Codes Perhaps this might help formatting your reviews in the future! It's easier to read the feedback when the review and the poem both look like separate pieces of text, rather than similar paragraphs all bunched together.
As for the capitalization, it was really a stylistic choice; however I will take what you said into account. (I tend to use lowercase i's for the tone, although I might try to rewrite this using proper capitalization and seeing how it affects the poem's overall feeling.)
Thank you so much for the review!
-Castor
Glad I could help. Even for the tone, I'd go with capital "I"s and try to bring the tone through some other way.
As for the quotation, i was wondering how you guys did that. I'll check out the guide, thanks!
Hi Castor!
Oh my goodness I loved this piece. I will definitely be reading more of your work once this review is done. The first thing I loved is the title. It was intriguing and also appropriate for the piece! In response to your fear that it is sad (well more sad than you originally intended), I only found one part of this poem that was slightly melancholic was
"hoping the sea
would drown out your words, much like it drowned our friendship." Other than that I honestly didn't find any sadness in it.
This line was also really useful to me because when I first read it, I skimmed over the friendship and finished the piece confused if this was written to a friend or a lover.
Also in terms of your other fear of not being clear enough with your imagery, the only part that I noticed would benefit from some clarification was "as you stole my food (but i kept my heart)". I didn't quite understand why you included what was in the parenthesis, and could use some clarification on that part. I have an idea of what you had in mind but don't want to make assumptions.
Feel free to contact me anytime!
-BubblegumGoddess
Don't be afraid of making assumptions! Poetry is very much an experience for the reader as it is for the writer, so I would love to know what you thought I had in mind!
As for the parentheses: I mainly used them because I thought it would make that line softer somehow, almost like a whisper. It was supposed to be separate, but not on a completely different line.
Thank you so much for the review!
Hey, Castor. Storm here for a review (like I said I would do) so let's jump right into it and hope I touch on a few good points!
You used the word water twice in two lines. I don't think it flows (hehe, I made a pun) very well with the repetition there.
First, since you were a bit concerned about your punctuation, this is a fragment. Do what you will with that information. Second, that last bit, 'the salt' seems like too much of an aside. It just takes the reader's attention away from that line. In short, it's too off topic.
I personally like 'much like it drowned out our friendship' better, but it's really up to you.
To be honest, I didn't see much imagery in this. I don't know what to say other than that about it. This poem seemed plain and unornamented with imagery. Other than that, I didn't see many issues with it. I enjoyed this, it seemed very sweet and earnest.
You know how to contact me if you have any questions
~Storm
Thank you for the review!