Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
he was left with unconnected thoughts
stones left overturned in a riverbed, best left forgotten
yet the memories escaped into the stream
of endless consciousness and memory
never to really leave, but to continue the cycle
bad dreams come and go but memories last forever
in the end, what we'll have left is who we are
broken bones and still-fresh scars, bleeding knuckles
empty lungs, full of water and filling at the top
maybe he can still breathe if he just takes one deep--
suffocating on emptiness is a fine way to go
memories last for a time, he concludes
pulling pebbles out of the back of his throat
skipping them across the creek
splish, splash, splosh
being a disappointment hurts more than
scraped knees on the bottom bed
and it cuts more than
jagged rocks on soft feet
and somedays, it's hard to heal
he can't go back and change the past,
so he's stuck in the future forever
frozen by the currents that anchor him to his stead
vile people are trapped forever by the water
their chains are their misdeeds
and maybe
one day
he'll let
himself
go free
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review, as promised.
This was an awkward start to the poem as we don't have context to know what the unconnected thoughts were. I thought that the "stones left overturned" was to signify not being able to walk across the river, or connect the thoughts. I suggest a comma at the end of line two, which brings me up to my next point which is that there isn't punctuation in the sense of periods and I suggest you add that. I think that the lack of capitalization is something that works well with the poem, in contrast to that last statement. It's given a softer tone. The metaphor was worded awkwardly with the memories escaping, and maybe use "slipped away" instead? I did like the concept of the last line, though.
Add a comma after "go" in the first line. The flow of the poem could definitely use smoothing out and I think a read-aloud of where you actually want all the commas and punctuation would do help for you. A comma after "forever" would also be beneficial, or a period if you decide to add those since the next line starts with "in the end". The imagery that you use in this stanza is much more vivid than the last and it's something that the reader can experience. The "--" at the end of line five was well-placed. I want to bring up something here about the actual narrative, who's the speaker? We don't really know who the speaker is in relations to the "he" or person that's being mentioned. Is there really a speaker? I wanted to question this because you used "we'll" in this stanza and I didn't know if this was intentional or correct or not.
Loved this part, really. The last line is the only thing that I had problems with is the last line because I didn't think that the onomatopoeia here fit the rest of the stanza. The other thing is a comma after the first line. The second and third line were both powerful with the image and I think you could expand on it in the fourth line and you could take the splashing sounds out.
There's not really a transition between here and the other stanza, which was a thing that got me. In the last line, "somedays" should be "some days", and then I didn't understand what the "bottom bed" was in line two. This is a strong comparison with the images of scraped knees and jagged rocks, and I think that you could possibly fit in a line kind of like: "it's hard to meet the standards you set when your bar is the sky" or something of that sort, but that's just a suggestion.
This stanza didn't really hit like the others did, or at least the first few lines. The flow is messy here and the first two lines don't really appeal. In general it could just use some rewording and I think that the buildup of the last three lines could potentially be more powerful, especially the last.
So the ending of the poem comes and goes and I still want a little bit of more clarity of who this boy is. I liked the ending but a lot is still up for interpretation, and I guess it's meant to be or you intended it to be that way? It's an ending as endings go.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hey there! Sky here for a review in the last minutes of review day. To start, I really love the structure of this. The short lines in the last stanza are a clean contrast to the longer lines above. The lack of capitalization gives it a softer, more colloquial feel. I do think that you need to use periods. It may be your style to not use any, but a few are needed in this. The diction in this work is stunning. It tells a beautiful story, but some of the lines have a strange flow to them of awkward wording. Just read it *out loud* once or twice. You should catch any snags then. The theme is really well developed in this, and the end is well done. The best thing about this is that you stick with the elements of rocks, rivers, and memories. Some writers tend to wander off, but you do not. Thank you for this wonderful read and happy review day! I hope I read more from you!
Write on!
-thecolorofthesky
Hello, hello! Eternity here!
Poetry reviewing is new to me, hence my reasoning to focus on poems this review day to learn the arts of poetry reviewing, so if this is a horrid review, lmk and I will improve! Heh!
Okayy
EDITING ZONE:
I like the entirety of this poem. I really do. It's different and definitely intriguing to me. (Poetry isn't my favorite thing ever because I find it frustrating to write. Sooo intriguing me with a piece of poetry is *thumbs up*)
As a former poetry writer though, I really like your writing style. All lowercase. I love the fact that I'm not the only one who does that. Word of warning, some poetry writers don't like that and I think it honestly looks neater and organized. I like it a lot.
Anyway, this is really more complimenting you than actually helping you, but to be honest, I can't see anything to help with so well done!! Keep up the amazing writing.
FAVORITE PART
and maybe
one day
he'll let
himself
go free
This part really stands out to me. I love it. I feel as though I can relate to it and it's a poem stanza. Keep up the amazing writing!
~Rin