Young Writers Society

Hello, Adri. I'm here to review your poem.

I feel like I'm fairly up to date on current events and what you're referencing in this poem. I appreciate how timely it is, and the subject you're trying to tackle.

That being said, you're right that it needs a bit of work. This kind of poem relies a lot on emotional impact. You have some gut-wrenching moments, like the mascara moment. I think that image is really powerful.

I think the biggest issue with this piece is that a lot of it seems disjointed. I can see that you were trying to go somewhere with it, but the effect isn't working for me. The phrases in between the stanzas obviously have something to do with the movement (I've seen them around, and they work independently), but do they work for the poem? I think you should integrate them more into the main body than leave them floating in space.

This needs more end of line punctuation. Poetry does not necessarily end a statement at the end of a line, and I needed a little help here, especially because you choose not to end the statement at the end of the line sometimes. I think that would actually help the disjointed feeling I'm getting, too. Never underestimate the power of the ;

I usually don't do this, but I'm going to go through your poem line by line and make suggestions.

his name was, "the empty void in their hearts, young men dying"

Phrase this differently. And italicize instead. You could say,

his dying name was the empty void in their hearts.

And if you don't change it, remove the comma after was. Also add end punctuation.

thuglyfe selfies being shown around, but he and his little sister
can't get the time of day in her fuzzy pink shoes as they smile

This sentence is a doozy. "Being" is not the right form of the verb to be here. Use "are." Try incorporating things that identify people as adjectives for them and see how you like it. Like this:

thuglyfe selfies are shown, but he and his pink fuzzy
sister can't get the time of day as they smile

Or something to that effect. If you have a question about it, ask. Also, you need end punctuation after smile. If you want it to be connected to the cameras, add "for" at the beginning of the next line, and "that" after camera.

the flashing camera takes a photo for widespread media to ignore

Widespread is tripping me up. I don't think it's really needed? I understand that you're trying to get at that not all media ignores it, but I think that this could be indicated in a different way. I like the idea of capitalizing Media, so it becomes something with a name rather than something nameless. But after all, it's your choice.

five days dead.

Who is? Is this connected to the previous stanza, or the next one? This is the problem I'm running into. Where does this belong? What is the narrative here?

mothers write up long posts, mascara leaking down their faces

This is the most powerful part of the poem.
Tangent contained in spoiler:

shaky hands over keyboards, words like lightning on the page

This is a small thing, but I saw "page" and it took me out of the world of the poem. Change it to screen. It's more in with what you're saying in the rest of the piece.

her baby sits in a cell, schrödinger finds this scene fascinating
"she's never wanted to die, you have to believe me. save her"

The grammar in the first of these two lines needs work. You have a comma splice here. A comma splice is two independent clauses connected with a comma. If you want them to be in the same sentence because they're related thoughts (they are), use a semi-colon instead of a comma. A semi-colon connects two independent clauses (independent clauses are basically full sentences. They have a subject and a verb). Also, use some end of line punctuation after that first one. I included the second line in this part because it seems to be connected to the first line. However, I am confused as to how. I need more connection to the rest of the stanza. Is this the post the mother is writing, or is this about the mother? Who is "her?"

#sayhername

While this was not the first inkling I got that this poem was about race issues in America, this one solidified it. I think that this is actually a good place to put this, but integrate it into the stanza beforehand. It's floating off into space right now.
Another tangent in the spoiler:

cameras with sound are ideal, but kid, please don't go out there

I think it would be more effective if you talked about the camera differently. The way you plunge into this stanza is a little jarring. Perhaps you could say something like,

please don't go out there, kid, even if you're just recording.

I think that that speaks to the climate of police brutality more directly. It also supports the rest of the stanza in a more effective manner. Also put some end punctuation there.

"i have to do this, no one else will" you're charged with shooting

I think you should change that comma into a period in the middle of the quoted sentence. It would make the character seem to have firmer resolve. Also, put a period after will, before the end quotation mark. You don't use "you" very often in the poem, but you do here. Is there a better way to say that, or is the narrator talking to the kid right now? I'm not necessarily suggesting that you change it, but it's something for you to think about.

if you have an iphone, because wounds of flesh hurt less than

"wounds of flesh" bothers me. I would say "flesh wounds." That way, you have a double meaning. "Flesh wounds" generally mean that it's not that bad. So you could be saying that recording and showing hurts way more than minor wounds. It's serious. Also, I think you should break the line after "less." It's a stronger word to end the line on.

a corrupt officer's paycheck and publicity "don't slander, don't hate"

You need more punctuation before your quotations. Add a period here. I think you should also remove "and publicity" because we get the idea of it, anyway.

shoot children up

To be honest, I'm not sure what this line is referencing. Is it like the other floating lines, where it directly references someone else has said?

violence and brutality leaves marks on cultures that echo

Leaves should be leaves because you're talking about two things. And honestly, I think you could do with just violence. Or just brutality. Not both. I'm not sure what you're getting at when you say "cultures that echo." I mean, I get the feeling, but I think you could find a more specific and articulate way of communicating what you mean. Are they echoing because they happen over and over again, but quieter, or because they're hollow?

we're painted as violent to slander us but my little brother

You use violent pretty close to violence, so in the previous stanza, I'd stick with brutality. So they're not so much the same. Comma after "us."

he plays outside with the toddler and gentle souls connect

Small things here. I'd take out "he" because it's redundant. Also, I'd change "the" to "a" in front of toddler simply because you haven't introduced us to one yet. But that one's a small thing, and you're the poet, so do what feels best to you on that one.

they connect in powerful solidarity, that we all should have

I would phrase this differently. Maybe,

I hope we all find the peaceful solidarity they discover

or something like that.

I'll say about the last line what I've said about all the other floating lines. Connect it with the previous stanza somehow. Physically and thematically.

Altogether, I think you've got a really powerful message, and I was happy to try to help you whip it into shape a little. If you have any questions about my review, feel free to ask me about it! I hope that this proves useful to you! Happy poeting!