i asked my mother
when i was young
"what is it like to disappear?"
but i don't think she understood
maybe, with my chubby hands and hallowed face
adorable voice with phrases that could cut steal and bone
and my mismatched polka dot-striped shoes and socks
it didn't seem a serious question could ever cross my lips
but it did with cutting edge precision
i had practiced for hours for sure
my winding hands behind my back
standing on my tip-toes nearly wobbling
"what is it like to disappear?"
i asked again, hoping for a reply
that was not in my plan to say it twice
so my face heated up and my nose stinged
she folded her hands in her lap
a condescending smile graced her face
"you're not planning on running away, are you?"
her eyes glittered with a strange delight
i chomped down on my teeth and tried to not wince
my voice stopped up in my neck and the world closed in
my mismatched clothes suddenly felt silly and wrong
to her, a serious question hadn't passed my lips
so with a look of untrained malice
and a shaky step as i grew closer
my hands at my sides dangling there
no longer wobbling for i was grounded
"what is it like to die?"
the smile wiped off her face
her hands took me by the shoulder
her eyes didn't gleam anymore
after that with a fearful, rushed
"i don't know, dear. are you okay?"
and a smile grew on my face
and i felt like walking on air
she never misunderstood my simple words again
even with my striped pants, shoes, and socks
her eyes grew old with knowing i knew of death
but i did not care, for i had knowledge of hurt
disappear, die, vanish, go away
same thing, in my large, brown eyes
for when my siblings had gone away
my father said, "oh, they died"
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey @AdrianMoon I was just sitting her thinking that I've NEVER read one of your works so I decided to read one. So here it goes. I love this by the way!
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The thing that sticks out right away is you need to capitalize the word I. (Small but important change, unless you did this for stylistic reasons.) The only other thing that I would change is starting with and. It makes sense but slightly disrupts the flow of the poem.
Other than that I love the poem. Your description paints a very good picture. It's as if I can see the event in my mind, complete with what I picture the child and mother looking like.
Overall, an excellent poem!
P.S. Sorry for reviewing an old poem, if this isn't helpful I'm sorry.
Keep writing!
I love the poem, I love the way its written, it feels written from your soul, which I love when people pour their souls into their writing, it seems sad, but I still love the poem, the idea of the poem is brilliant, I love the way the story lays out, and how they interact and react, it all seems so realistic. i love how the mother learned to understand what he/she was meaning, the words are so beautifully in place, I love your work Adri, keep it up!
You're only 11. And I felt just like the mother in this poem when I read it. I think you proved your point, kiddo. Love the imagery too. You're one great poet~
It's surprising. I liked the familiar stanzas and even more the story they contained. I almost wanted the poem to continue. keep it up.
Hello retro here for s review!!!!
I'll do some nitpicking and then talk about what I loved, okay?
Right my main nitpick is I don't understand "poka dot - striped shoes and socks" you had striped shoes and polka dot socks? One foot was one and the other was another? Can you get polka dot shoes? ... In all fairness this could be me being dense but it isn't the clearest of descriptions in my opinion and with the running message of getting words out and asserting oneself with knowledge I don't think ambiguity is the way to go. I think it almost needs an edge of bluntness to it, just due to the PoV as it is them wanting to asset themselves and they do have knowledge but it is childish so the description should be accompanied by some raw edgeness...however, I may also be being dense.
My second nitpick is the mother. Okay I get the change when they question changes okay, but they don't match up. If you had described her as tired, purple bags hanging beneath her eyes, bloodshot eyes, drooped then the condescending smile has a motherly feel to it and then to move to the panic worry makes more sense. But your description of her feels so distant, like she goes from an almost Disney villain mother with gleaming eyes at the thought of the child running away to doting mother. I feel like the characterisation is too big a jump in my personal opinion, but that may just be me misinterpreting!
However, on the whole this poem is fantastic. - anyone who knows me knows that the main thing for me is the ending of a poem. I want to be left with a fragment I can take away. That can be true loves kiss or what the hell I didn't see that coming. And you have achieved it. That ending was perfect. The bluntness. The nonchalant nature of the child. The beauty of the twist. Mother versus father role of dealing with a situation like that! I commend you. Truly. And the rest of the poem is fantastic as well. I love the PoV of the child and I think you write it excellently. I think that you have excellent points and get some excellent characterisation. Well done. I shall give it a like!
Keep up the excellent work,
Here if you need anything.
~Retro
Retro, you have to consider (s)he's also 11, this is probably the most skilled 11 year old I've ever seen at writing.
Retro posted an excellent review that made me rethink the way I wrote my poem. The feedback he gave me was what I needed!