It started out so innocently,
No one knew the real me,
I hid the truth from myself,
and tried my best to do the same thing,
to everyone,
for everyone,
so everyone could
go on with their lives
and behave like they should.
Well mom and dad, they're not too proud of me...
but who could ever be?
Secretive lives, smother everything.
I'm left to wonder why, I act like it matters.
Lives are dust, or so I'm told, by the padre with eyes of gold.
Even God is said not to love me.
Midnight came around, its embrace was cold,
a new day, but the same things;
playful flirting, stoked the embers,
till I felt the warmth of your awkward fire.
Hold me close.
Hold me tight,
lets you and me outlast this summer night.
Don't wake up , our convictions, they'll try to make us wonder why,
why now,
why here,
why me,
was it easy?
What words,
what lies,
what mask will I wear?
I just got scared, please don't stare,
I think I'm smiling its too dark to tell.
I'm sorry for all the things that came afterwards;
the strange proposals, the guilty smile, the stupid assumptions.
It started out so innocently,
but now I know the real me,
I feel so relieved,
and still at peace.
At times I feel like I hate myself,
because I didn't fall into line,
no matter what, no matter what.
I am me.
Wont you be you too?
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Wow, I love this, it's a bit awkward at moments, but even it's awkwardness has it's value: you know how sometimes a work's weakness is it's greatest asset, while I think this could be said here.
I hope you take that as a compliment :p
It also treats so many issues, I can tell you just had a lot to get off your mind and this came out all in a rush, but maybe try to focus poems on one issue, it gives them more sense.
Ok so here goes for the linear analyses,
SO this bit is strange because it both announces this revealing relationship and deals with what you were before you met this person.
That said, I like the "to everyone, for everyone" it works really well.
Ok so here we get the continuity, but even if the last verse is powerful, we've had mum and dad's disapproval, do we need God's too, or should that be left a mystery?
This bit works perfectly, no criticism to be found!
Ok, correct that typo: it's "don't" !
Oh and it's also "you and I"!
It works really well, you really set the picture in it's stillness, and have comes this desire to break solitude and quietness, exuberance in its purest shape?!
"What" mask so there's a typo.
I like the questioning, it sets unease and lack of self confidence which are both so youthful and candid that it gives an extra edge to your poem.
Ok that line is the best of the entire poem, in fact i think you might to repeat it at some point!
This is strange, because we, as a reader, know nothing if what happened between you too, so maybe give us more details.
Okay, so I like the idea of this but it doesn't always work
All in all I can really identify with what you're trying to say, but there's too much and it's too chaotic and obviously that's a very easy criticism to make and a very difficult one to remedy, but I think you should try and focus more on what you're doing and try to achieve ends by purpose and not by luck.
Maybe like Krupp suggested try and find something in you writing which really does work and develop it further.
hmm if I wasn't persuaded otherwise, I'd be convinced you were ripping off my concepts
no offense, but except for a few stanzas like my friend Krupp said, this writing is rather empty...
() ()
(-' w '-) CHI CHI CHIM!!!!!!
( U U )
m m
rabbit says you have something beautiful inside of you and you just have to refine a way to express it.
peace!!!
This reads more like prose to me, but that's not a big deal. It's good, but the problem is that it isn't challenging to read; I didn't see anything that caused me to imagine this really happening. It seems kind of devoid of emotion, etc. The only stanza that really worked out great was this one:
"Midnight came around, its embrace was cold,
a new day, but the same things;
playful flirting, stoked the embers,
till I felt the warmth of your awkward fire."
I think you should try to write every stanza like this one, because when you do stanzas like this one, it works great. Otherwise the poem just feels deflated.
If you write stanzas like this one, this poem and others will be much more impressive in the future.